Inheritance issue

[MountainMomma26]

My DH and I have 3 kids 2 boys and a girl aged under 11

We own a farm- 50% is in my name. This was done at the purchase mainly to save money.

DH also expects to inherit land from his elderly father. Please don’t think this is a situation where we are being greedy - rubbing our hands waiting for someone to pass away. This has never been discussed before and only arose today as we had a meeting with our accountant to finalise this years accounts and my husband wanted to discuss the new tax regulations coming in regarding farmers and inheritance.

Neither of us have made wills. During the course of the conversation DH discussed with the accountant how he would be making his will leaving everything to our sons. I had assumed if he was to pass before me I would be his benefactor and he would be mine if I go first and then upon either of our deaths it would pass to our children. This is what my father had done.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed by this it feels like DH doesn’t trust me/is putting me in a vulnerable position where my child would own the house annd property I live in? I feel this is dangerous as my children are lovely but unfortunately no one knows what way they’ll turn out - we have young extended family members with serious mental or addiction issues so he should know now that this is always a possibility.. I’m also pissed off that my daughter was not mentioned in the conversation. She is her dad’s right hand person. They’re very close. She loves animals and is a hard worker yet she doesn’t seem to come into consideration.

AIBU to be annoyed?

Not sure how he can leave something you own to someone of his choosing

You may not know it yet but he may be expecting you to transfer ownership to someone else a few years down the line

Farmers are funny when it comes to inheritance there’s always disputes and it is mega hard for the wife married to farmers sons as there always seems to be something preventing her getting her share of things especially in the event of a divorce!!!

watch out!

Honestly, there is absolutely no way I could continue to be in a relationship with a man who thought his sons were more valuable than his daughter. I'd be off to see a solicitor and initiating divorce.

What a disgusting man.

Thank goodness you have 50% but yes your DH is an absolute misogynistic knob and you need to give his head a wobble. Preferably with a blunt instrument

A specialist solicitor is better than an accountant on this as they deal with iht every day and are used to the complexities of setting up trusts, agricultural relief etc. You need a decent sized firm that has farming clients.

Well that's one way. Another is that the farm is held in trust with various members of the family being beneficiaries and receiving a share of the profits and others also being paid an income to work the land.

Agree with this.

My "specialist solicitors" almost completely messed it up, subsequently we use an accountants who specialise in agricultural property to do everything, accountants that deal with estate planning can also deal with trust matters and they deal with IHT more than solicitors do, most solicitors just hire in accountants to do the IHT calculations at a hefty mark up. You are best off using a good accountant and a good solicitor rather than relying on one to do everything, two sets of eyes are better than one.

I dont know if you are from a farming background but Farmers seem obsessed about inheritance and children remaining in the industry

Its very shades of the 3rd Reich.

You dont get the same obsession in any other industry

The issue of course is that farms are just not able to make enough money to cover the cost of buying the land

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm only catching up now as I've had a busy day with sick kids. You've given some great advice and given me plentry to think about. I'm off to check the land registry just to make sure I still own 50% and to see if we're joint tenants!

Throughout our marriage I've worked full time, ran and paid for house and kids and most of everything else. He has took a fit every time he noticed any money out of the joint account. I returned to work when my children were 14 weeks old rather than taking a year so he wouldn't be under pressure - what a fool I was!

Male farmers do seem to marry 'the help' (as in your money & time & free labour are what they want from marriage) and expect an heir & a spare to be produced. The spare often gets shafted, even if they are the better prospect for the farm (see golden child/scapegoat). Women are even further down the list, but it's rare from them to be completely cut out as you and your DD seem to have been.
I have a horrible feeling he's changed the ownership so you longer are a partner.
If he has then hopefully you can divorce him to get some return on your investment and contribution.

You must be terribly hurt and shocked.
I hope you find a way to keep/get security for your retirement, I'd be furious at how disposable he seems to view you. As dreadful as it is for your DD at least she is now forewarned that she is not considered part of the family and will hopefully be able to plan her education and career so she can't miss what she didn't have. I definitely would be steering her to financial independence.

I’d empty the joint account personally- sure you might have to give some back legally, I wouldn’t spend it, but I’d take it all now to communicate with him in the only language he speaks- I’m your wife and partner not the indentured slave you think I am.

That is, I’d do that after I’ve checked the deeds and changed the tenancy if needed so I can leave it separately in my will.

He sounds even worse than I imagined. Your salary from your full time job is keeping the family afloat, yet he is policing the joint account and getting angry if you spend anything?

I would speak to a solicitor to see what you would be entitled to in a divorce. He seems to think that what's his is his and what's yours is also his. Every thread on here from women who are married to farmers and who are experiencing issues with their husbands and/or in-laws reveals a culture that is toxic for women and female children.

Whoa, your last comment makes it even worse. How on earth? Some farmers just cannot comprehend that their business is unsustainable.

best of luck op

Leaving you homeless is none of your business.
You need to divorce him before he dies.
This would kill any love I had for him- especially the misogyny and awful treatment of my daughter

And it sounds like you have the evidence that it’s all your money in there anyway. You empty it, say I realised we aren’t a team and I’m paying for us all but get zero respect. You haven’t even allowed for me to live in our home if you died and say it’s none of my business. You can start contributing to our costs, Mr none of your business. I’d like to see you putting money into the joint account not just calling my money yours and yelling at me if I dare spend anything. How dare you.

I honestly think you need to sit down calmly together with a solicitor as things might not be as bad as you think. Don't do some of the mad things suggested on here! Often things are done for legal and tax reasons and all parties can be protected and benefit without killing the golden goose. You just need to know the reasoning and facts before you react (in whatever way you see fit). I know I'd want to know the score before I blew things up.

I wouldn't do this because it will give him warning which will allow him to "outplay" you. Keep your cards close to your chest and create your safeguards for yourself and your daughter in secret.

Under the new inheritance tax rules the levels at which you will pay tax will be much more beneficial if your husband and yourself leave their 50% share to each other and then pass it on to the children. Obviously depending on the value of the farm. If one of you doesn’t use up all your tax entitlements they can then pass onto the remaining spouse.

This is not correct. Unfortunately the APR of £1million per person is not transferable between spouses (unlike the Nil Rate Band and Residential Nil Rate Band).

It will be a little more fiddly as one of them will need to leave part of the farm to their kids on first death to be able to use x2 APR allowances.

Yep, this!

And I say this as the granddaughter, niece, and daughter-in-law of farmers.
My ILs in particular are stuck in the 1800s in terms of equality! Luckily my DH escaped and went into a completely different profession.

What a twat how can he leave you vulnerable like that what if a money grabbing partner comes along and pushes them into selling their share you need to tell your twat h that is not happening it’s yours until you pass then dc get a third each what chance do women have when ever there own fathers a sexist selfish pig. It makes me so sad that men treat women like this.

I don't think that leaving your daughter 50% of the farm is the solution, because it won't benefit her and it will tie her to a family who don't think she's worth anything. The only way she could benefit from it would be to sell it. She might have to fight every year to see the books and receive any income.

So he was happy to use a woman to buy the farm when it suited him, but now he just wants to pass it on to males. And the farm is half yours which is even worse!!!!

Tell him he's not on, it's half yours.

I would be most annoyed about my daughter being left out

If it helps to hear why I have left everything to my DC (with life interest in property for my DP who owns 50% of the house) it is because of a cousin whose DM inherited everything from DF, remarried and the new partner actively caused conflict and estrangement and inherited everything. Cousins DF would have been so so sad about that. However much I can think my DP wouldn't do that to my DC I think anyone at a vulnerable time could be preyed upon by someone unscrupulous and I want to be 100% certain my DC will have what I have saved for them