Will we lose our home ? Should I lose a husband

[Derrygirl09]

Hi everyone 👋
I'll try and keep this short , we bought our first house 3 years ago , since then , me and my husband had a separation of 9 months , things had been bad tbh and I never would have bought a home with him but we found ourselves in need of somewhere new to live and had the means to buy a home , anyway , we decided to work through our issues and things have been going well since Christmas... Today I found letters he has hidden from me from land and property and turns out he has never paid the rates , like ever 🥺, we agreed that he would be responsible for them and he's told me numerous times they were paid for , we now owe 1000s and we honestly don't have the money., he's ignored the last letter that would have given him the option to pay off in installments, he's been working overtime every weekend for 5 months and I also buy all food , all school meals , all kids clothes ect I worked out he should have few hundred left at the end of the month after the bills he pays NOT Inc overtime ,and now he tells me NOW he tells me he couldn't afford it 😡 have I a right to be livid , and what will happen to the home now ? Is this unforgivable to you ?

Not sure if this has already been suggested, but have you taken legal advice as to what would happen if you file for divorce? You may find that the house would have to be sold and your husband would have to contribute to the costs of the children which might mean you could actually afford it. Living in the kind of atmosphere which must surely exist will be picked up by the children and is not in their interests. Perhaps if you got some advice and then laid it out to your husband then you might actually find out what he is doing with all the extra money he allegedly has. It sounds as if he either has debts you don’t know about or that he is subsiding his parents which he should not be doing at the cost of his own family.

Get onto Women's aid, you are being financially abused by him.
You need advice and support.

This.

About right yes.

I am sorry op you are in this situation. Call them, say you just have been made aware of this and want to pay the installments. Anything you solely pay must be in YOUR name coz what you say of him does NOT smell good.

Good luck op 🌺

I understand your position. Of course you can go forward with clubs , sofa etc because you thought the other bills ie the rates were being paid for . That was the deal that he made , why would you question him? Especially as he seems to have no reason not to as he has the funds .

But he has lied . My ex lied too . I am like you, I could have budgeted with what we had IF he had been honest about his money . The fact that he hides his accounts is concerning . I wonder if he is helping out his mother . And that is OK too IF he had discussed it and you knew what amount was left to manage everything else.

@Derrygirl09

I feel the pity of you , I really do

Not much help here, but just wanted to give a bit of support

Im English, Married to a NI man, living the other side of the mountain to you and I swear I could string him up at times over money and lack of responsibility

!m 60, I work with lasses in their 20's and we were chatting today, and I was saying how fecking stressed I was looking after two weans at home - doting mother and DH, esp with a 5 day power cut

My DH was reared by a NI mammy and so therefore has never ever in his life had to think for himself , mammy was always there.

God love her, she was a beautiful and lovely woman, but as of that generation, she treated her sons like wee gods, lifted and laid for them and then passed them on to another woman to do the same

The young lasses I work alongside say their fellas are a lot more switched on, will help with the kids, cook, do the shop etc, but the minute they need care - they are running back to mammy as the lasses refuse to make the GP/optician/dental appointments.

So when it comes to anything of importance in my home - bills - I take care of them, I cant trust DH to make sure the money is there on time. Hell even though I wrote the cheque, stuck in it an envelope with a stamp on it for his tax bill, it was still sat here at the weekend - with a week before fines kick in !!! All he actually had to do was post it

DH does work hard, does earn good money - but with him its easy come and easy goes. We have a joint account and I have my own account, because I cant sleep without something tucked away, where as he will spunk the lot on a car as quick as he's got it

It’s now council tax.

The Irish lads do love their mummies 🙈🙈🙈

Definitely not your fault for trusting him. People on here will always try to find fault with every little detail. As others have said, call them tomorrow and arrange a payment plan. As for him, I’d definitely be leaving him or asking him to leave, he’s a disgrace to risk you and your children’s wellbeing.

Not where the OP is.

Rates are local council charges

I think you need to get some external support. You're giving into him in everything. Plenty of advice here rgds dealing ei5 the finances, but at base you need to seek help in either asserting yourself within this relationship or getting out of it before you're bled dry . Is your G P. a listening ear?

What world are you living in? Most couples commit to joint housing costs which outweigh any single earning potential; that’s why people get critical illness and life cover.

Where I live, 3 bed houses start at around £350k for a shabby small one and £550k for a decent one. I earn £50k and couldn’t afford either option on my own when you add in all other bills.

OP sends her kids to clubs because she’s reassured that all bills are paid and she has excess. Clubs are a nice enhancement to her children’s lives which she thinks she can afford. Sadly, with a secretive, lying husband, it’s now transpired that she may not be able to afford it.

Thats not her fault. You can plan for someone having secret bills/payments. When you’re married, you have to assume your partner is honest.

I can’t believe you’re trying to make out this is OPs fault - what a stretch!

Unfortunately that means nothing. My now ex husband run £10k in debt on an income of £150 a month (that was his fun money from my salary, while I had nothing as he was a stay at home dad) through gambling. That was the first time. £18k was the second time and when he became the ex. I'm thinking the following are likely:

1. your husband is a gambler - he can't pay his bills but has taken out a credit card and yet still hasn't used the credit card to pay the bills. Huge red flag for me
2. he has a side piece that he is financing
3. he is financing his parents to the detriment of your family unit. Any combination of the above. He says its his business because he knows if he shows you the statements you will either find out what he has been up to and end the marriage, you will challenge him on his spending or best case scenario he is totally delusional and he thinks he can stall you to buy time to fix the black hole. Difficult though it is, I think you need to be firm that this is make or break time. All info needs to go on the table including all debts and obligations, however horrific. If he can do that and show the bank statements, you have a chance of working through things together. If he can't, this is never going to work as you are always going to be wondering what the next financial crisis is going to be. Look up Dave Ramsay baby steps. I'm not saying it's for every one, but it got me out of the financial stook after my husband decimated our finances and got me to being debt free on a single income with children and no maintenance (not because he was denying the children but he was on benefits after I slung his hook and had never had to run a house before - it's different now that his mental health is better). Good luck - you can absolutely do this.

Well done for ringing and sorting payment plan OP. Make sure its him that pays it! Stage two next - a mediator to help sort the financials if you can't get a straight answer.

Omg this exact thing happened to me! But we were renting, and found out through his credit score when we tried to buy a house.

What I did was put my foot down on what our finances are. You have to put reminders everywhere, know your dates, numbers and make sure he shoes you what has been paid

Nope, they're definitely Rates in NI, paid to the LPS.

Rates are a tax the local Council/Municipality put on the land/house that you own.

Do seek advice and support on the financial side of things. Managing to pay off (eventually, in due course) Council rates is far, far smaller calamity than many others (such as a traumatic accident, a traumatic health issue, etc). So cheer up on this side of things. There are several organisations that help people navigate through financial matters. A visit or a phone call to the Council will be a great start -- but there are others which the local library may give you details of. As to the matters of relationships etc., there is time for finance (first) and there is time for relationships. Nothing much is lost. Cheer up. Good luck.

Property tax funding local govt. We had them in the UK pre-Council Tax. Think NI still has them.

Really coudlnt see it being a side piece tbh , he never leaves the house tbh , I'm not a woman who would be in denial tbh if its just very highly unlikely, I also have complete access to his phone and use it all time when my phones charging ect so defo no secrecy were that's concerned, only social media he has I set up for him and hes never posted in his life 🤣 so that would be highly unlikely but stranger things have happened ,

good advice

@Derrygirl09

if you have easy access to his phone, would you be able to check his bank app?I know it's snooping but I think I would need to play detective to get answers. Maybe even check his messages 👀

edited as previously said 'your phone'.

This

O I can see his texts WhatsApps Facebook ect but don't know pin for his banking