Will we lose our home ? Should I lose a husband

[Derrygirl09]

Hi everyone 👋
I'll try and keep this short , we bought our first house 3 years ago , since then , me and my husband had a separation of 9 months , things had been bad tbh and I never would have bought a home with him but we found ourselves in need of somewhere new to live and had the means to buy a home , anyway , we decided to work through our issues and things have been going well since Christmas... Today I found letters he has hidden from me from land and property and turns out he has never paid the rates , like ever 🥺, we agreed that he would be responsible for them and he's told me numerous times they were paid for , we now owe 1000s and we honestly don't have the money., he's ignored the last letter that would have given him the option to pay off in installments, he's been working overtime every weekend for 5 months and I also buy all food , all school meals , all kids clothes ect I worked out he should have few hundred left at the end of the month after the bills he pays NOT Inc overtime ,and now he tells me NOW he tells me he couldn't afford it 😡 have I a right to be livid , and what will happen to the home now ? Is this unforgivable to you ?

@Derrygirl09 please don't panic £2K, whilst it may seem a lot to you now, it's a manageable amount to pay back. You'll be ok x

It is possible if he earns enough to be on two mortgages, especially if they said the other property was an investment one to rent out. That would absolutely be the last straw for me. If he's done that behind your back I'd tell him to fuck off and live with his mum. Since you're married if his names on another title deed you should have a claim against that too. Id use that as leverage. Could you afford the mortgage on your own?

Would.ypu be financially better off it you sold the house now (he can organise a repayment plan for the rates) and just make a clean break from him? Rent for a bit if you have to.

I couldn't be with someone who wasn't prepared to be transparent about their finances. I don't know how you've coped for so long!

Exactly he puffed out his chest and said me big man me pay mortgage insurance and rates , and I agreed because I thought well you can't mess THAT up ,🤔 I'd honesty go insane if I had to take care of everything, I'd understand if I was single that's what single mums do ( shout out to you girls because I don't know how you do it ) but I'm apparently not ... I mean right down to cooking and cleaning it me all he had to do was set up direct debit and go to work which he does 🫠

I looked for somewhere to rent for 9 months and couldn't afford anywhere 🙈 unless I moved miles away which would mean moving kids schools ect I won't get into it much but my son needs that school it's a special school , I also don't drive so I'm kinda stuck as too how far I can move away

Yeah but that would mean serious reduction in quality of life , I could cope. I don't think it's fair on the kids , he woudlnt move out anyway hence why when he split up for 9 months we lived together because he expected me to move with the kids

Can you afford the mortgage, rates and bills on your own if you're getting child support? There won't be much equity in the house after 3 years unless you had a big deposit so if you could manage it on your own that might be your best bet. He's a complete shit doing this to you.

Thank you that means a lot tbh , Ive big day in work next week as well and my nerves did NOT need this , its look good for promotion for me ATM if all goes well , which looks like I seriously need 😭

Realistically no unfortunately

do you think he has a gambling problem? Or he has been lending money to his parents?

If I were shit with money I would happily sit down and come up with q plan. He knows something about where his money is going that he doesn't want you to know.

My OH was 'shit with money'. He actually had massive fines from unpaid bills / speeding tickets he couldnt be arsed to do the admin for.

So did he tell you outright that he hasnt actually been paying it?

Im wondering if he set the direct debit up but fucked it up somehow and has been paying someone else's rates, or something equally stupid.

I would ask him to show you the payments coming out of his bank account, its also quite possible that the council have mis coded them.

Also, if he thinks you might be able to fix it all, you might have an easier time getting to see his statements

Id have also suggested he tips his wage and you pay everything and give him soending money, but since he wknt share his income i honestly dont think he can be trusted at all. He is a liar. And you are so young still. Dont waste your life with a useless manbaby liar.

I have a small flat and 3 years rates or council tax would be nearly £6000

Iii

This is not a partnership.
He does not respect you or care about you.
He is deceiving you.

You say your son needs that school.

What he needs is to not grow up in a home with a father that could financially ruin him and his family at any moment.

He will grow up with the wrong idea of women if he watches his father get away with the bare minimum, daily, while his mother runs around breaking herself into pieces.

Look into ANY area thats cheaper that has a suitable school.
Anything is better than living with him.

Ah op that's horrendous what an arse he is to do this to you.

I think for me I'd lose the husband just because he's lied so much. I'd be trying to do as much digging as you possibly can to try and identify where that money has gone. It seems crazy to me that he'd take out another mortgage for his mum without being able to pay his own family bills for the family home first. The current refusal to address it in front of you is also very suspicious.

It sounds like things have been very difficult for you and it sounds like there are more issues than just the financial aspect. I'm actually thinking this is really a form of financial abuse and gaslighting and I'm wondering if there's been any other abusive behaviour in the past from him?

I would ring citizens advice and get as much information on your options as possible (including what you'd be entitled to if you leave him). I'd also think about how much equity is in your home if you were to get 50% back after selling (after the bank is paid) would that give you enough for a deposit on somewhere of your own? CAP are also great with budget support and negotiation with lenders and they could work with your husband but the problem here really op is that he doesn't seem to have any buy in. If he was genuinely just bad with money, to me, he'd be so upset and guilty and wanting to do whatever he could to work with you to resolve this. The fact he doesn't even want to address it and is so minimising it is just really shady and its actually extremely disrespectful to you and your family. My guess is that he expects you will sort this because you sort everything else. Which is where its actually quite controlling manipulative behaviour.

That amount of debt is very repayable on a low enough rate so this isn't really an affordability issue - it's a willingness issue.

I personally would tell him that if he doesn't start playing ball he can add paying for a divorce and child maintenance payments to his hefty bill. If you divorce him for proven unreasonable behaviour (financial mismanagement) he will likely be liable to pay a significant portion of divorce costs. I'd want to see bank statements, and absolute full financial transparency. And to be perfectly honest I'd probably still leave him.

Honestly I wouldn't be able to rest until I knew what he was doing with that money particularly given what you say about his mum and dad's houses.

Realistically he is either saving the money completely separately, using drugs, gambling it away or giving it away. There is no other answer.

Can you check his credit rating?

I second CAP.

They're a great group.

If you're Co.Derry there's one in Coleraine but also might be one in Derry City.

I didn't see it. Calm down 👇🏻

I'd say most likely that he has either got a mistress (working overtime every weekend, huh?) or is buying sex. I don't know exactly what prostitutes charge but I'd imagine it would help explain the mysterious disappearance of a 'few hundred' every month. My ex partner never had any money either and managed to burn through nearly £10K nest egg in a couple of years, he was spending a lot of it on prostitution, regular as clockwork every Friday night or 'at the shops' as he described it.

Yh I suspect he's a narcissist tbh , he was amazing at first tho he's like a different person now