Will we lose our home ? Should I lose a husband

[Derrygirl09]

Hi everyone 👋
I'll try and keep this short , we bought our first house 3 years ago , since then , me and my husband had a separation of 9 months , things had been bad tbh and I never would have bought a home with him but we found ourselves in need of somewhere new to live and had the means to buy a home , anyway , we decided to work through our issues and things have been going well since Christmas... Today I found letters he has hidden from me from land and property and turns out he has never paid the rates , like ever 🥺, we agreed that he would be responsible for them and he's told me numerous times they were paid for , we now owe 1000s and we honestly don't have the money., he's ignored the last letter that would have given him the option to pay off in installments, he's been working overtime every weekend for 5 months and I also buy all food , all school meals , all kids clothes ect I worked out he should have few hundred left at the end of the month after the bills he pays NOT Inc overtime ,and now he tells me NOW he tells me he couldn't afford it 😡 have I a right to be livid , and what will happen to the home now ? Is this unforgivable to you ?

You can check on the land registry if he owns his mums house for a small fee.

Call up and sort a payment plan, that's the easy part.
Going forward, do you Want to be with this man? Not because you can't afford not to be with him or because of the life you/kids have. Do you actually want to stay with him? Because the responses will be different depending what you decide

No that's why I ended things for 9 months , I physically couldn't find anywhere to live , so I just accepted my fate so to speak

I agree with |@Lavender14 's advice about contacting Citizen's advice.

You've got so much to sort out.. but you don't have to do everything at once. Sort the priorities first. For eg
Don't let this derail your promotion. It's upsetting but as many have said, the rates arrears can be dealt with. The promotion will give you so much room for manoeuver.
I'd play your cards really close to your chest with DH, until you've made your various decisions based on research and facts.

Information from Citizen's Advice and or a debt charity re any arrears. Ask about financial planning (what you could be entitled to) and how to protect yourself financially, given the current situation. Advice about best approach to the council to work out a repayment plan As you've said its £2k that's big but not completely unwieldy. It's in their interests for it to be manageable.

Your DH said he had to be at the Council phone call.(My first thought was I bet he does!!) ..
but maybe contact them first yourself for info so you have time to think about it, if the debt people advise this.

He's saying he wants to take part in the conversation - but he's not sharing information. This will either be a good chance to get some more info from him, or for him to spin some flannel to them or to stop you from telling them too much?

The relationship stuff, a potential move, change of schools etc other debt discovery.. are further down the line. This can be put to one side for a bit until you've worked your way through, hopefully with landing the promotion you've been working for.

You mentioned he collects the post before you get home. Any way to make sure you get to see this stuff? Can you ask any accounts with your name on to also come through to your own email as well? Lots to sort, but one step at a time, good luck with the work stuff.

This is what I’ve been thinking. I’m sorry to be harsh OP but stand away and look at the whole family dynamic :

your H is working 2 jobs and overtime to pay for mortgage rates and his costs, I can’t recall if you work but your money is going on clubs, the electric, holidays, “the plumber”? Your children are horse riding, football etc and you’re pulled every which way delivering them back and forth to clubs?!

this isn’t working from either of you. If he’s having to lend money to his Mum as well as pay for a mortgage alone, he must be under an immense amount of pressure- as are you. But your lifestyles seeem well out of whack.

you’ve said you can’t afford to live alone- it says it all really. You need him to meet housing costs.
There just isn’t enough money for the lives you’re leading. you’re furious at him for not paying bills you’re jointly responsible for, but you are not able to pay either.

I assume, like GB, rates are a significant but small amount of money each month- they are really the worst thing to avoid paying. You can’t find any evidence of wrong doing yet you’ll be in jail for harming him if he’s cheating?!

its all mad OP. You need to start taking responsibility for yourself. Forget controlling the finances etc… take some time to really think about the situation. What is going on here? I don’t think it’s as simple as presented

But it's NOT his money. It's family money and you work as a team. That's the whole point of being a couple. He is failing the family and putting you in debt because he is not being a team player.

The fact that he sees it all as his money speaks volumes about what he thinks about your relationship.

Finances are part of relationships. If he can't be open and honest with you and let you help him, then why are you together? What's the point?

Either he is part of a couple and will let you help sort out the finances and go through his finances with him, or he is hiding something!

Just to add, my DH wasn't the greatest with money, so I did a spreadsheet, showed him our take home pay, how much essentials (gas, elec, water, mortgage, council tax etc...) were, then how much kids stuff comes to, and then we agreed an amount we each transfer to our joint account. As you don't have or want a joint account then your partner needs to transfer an amount to you.

Is he hiding an addiction? Gambling? Drugs?
Sorry haven't rtft.

this may sound silly but is he definitely working? He's not pretending to go to work but actually he's just leaving the house for hours but doing nothing?

Im so sorry OP, this sounds like a nightmare. I do agree with a PP who suggested paying a small fee to see who owns his parent's house - that might give you some answers.

This feels like you're blaming the OP. This is ludicrous. He is a grown man who agreed to take care of something and then lied and said he had.

It hasn't all been left to him.
OP pays for all the bills, food and expenses except for the Mortgage and the Rates. That is the only thing he was asked to do.
She didn't expect that he would pretend to pay, but in reality be building up arrears in secret.
Secrecy has denied OP the chance to adjust her household/child spending or do something to stop the arrears building up because he told her those parts of her bills were taken care of.

Also. the OP is also in paid work. That's how she covers all the other expenses.

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I sat and worked out the finances , he can afford the rates and mortgage, yes the plumber just last thing the house needed, that was just example ... I don't think people are getting it , I haven't went wildly spending money I didn't have , I worked it out , he could afford it , he works one job not 2 , he does overtime .. I haven't been irresponsible with money , I've only ever bought what I thought we could afford , sorry but how's it my fault hes lied for 3 years and told me a bill was paid , yes clubs and swimming ect , things the kids need , that's the issue as far as I was concerned we weren't struggling, yes he says he can't go watch football or whatever because he's skint , which I've always put down to him being tight , which he is 🤷 I asked was bills paid he said yes , so why would I not buy a kitchen and put kids into clubs when that's from my account and Im affording it , what am I supposed to do , i can't do any work to new house or stop kids clubs just incase he's lying about a bill being pay when I've worked out he can more than afford it 🙈

Also were did I say I can't afford to pay the bills ? Never been in debt in my life and I could have covered the rates as well , I was told they were taking care of , he earns more than me why would I think the man Im married too woudlnt be paying a bill he said he was 🙈 no I can't afford a mortgage and everything eles on my own but I didn't buy a house on my own I'm married , no married person says o I can't single hardly afford this house so I won't buy it , it was a joint decision, all he had to take care of was 3 bills , yes I do everything eles , and everything else is taking care off why should the kids not go to the clubs and activities because he can't pay a bill he can afford with a few 100 spare before overtime 🤷 he's a full grown man why should kids suffer for that they are actually his kids too

I am glad I am not the only one who doesn’t know what they are. I’m thinking council tax maybe but I can’t see you getting away with not paying those for so long.

OP you said you couldn’t afford to live alone during the separation which indicates there isn’t masses of money swarming around and that housing costs are quite significant?

electricity plumbers visits football training, rates- they certainly all add up. But with a recently purchased property the mortgage could easily be 1,2 or 3k a month.

And it's a figure of speech but yeah if I found out he was using the money for prostitutes I'd probably end up in jail .. absolutely 🤣 does that literally mean I'd do something to end up in jail for no ... Does it mean I'd be absolutely fumming yes 🥱

Did you phone the rates people today?

I know right , like sorry I don't process magical powers , and I didn't detect he was lieing , I know I should have let kids go without the clubs ect yano just incase my husband wasn't paying a important bill on a newly bought house he's told me repeatedly it's taken care off when it's well within his financial situation to happily cover it 🙈

They do , I take care of it , my bills are paid 🤷 no their isn't mass amounts of money swarming around but I don't think I should have sat on money that could have went towards kids clubs when he told me the bills were being paid like I'm sorry I don't understand what you expected me to do in this case , i can't afford to live on my own but I'm not on my own and never bought a house on my own I'm married 🤔

Yes they letting me pay it off thankfully,

Rates are like council tax tbh

Yeah definitely working , he works with a neighbour who gives him a lift to and from work , and work has fun days ect which I've been too like Christmas one so fairly recently

Ring Christians Against Poverty asap. They are a brilliant debt counselling charity and will help you out of your nightmare.

Ok I see. Well I hope you come to an agreement with them and sort this out, I can see why it is causing you so much angst. Good luck.