Page 5 | Will we lose our home ? Should I lose a husband

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 22:57

AInightingale · 28/01/2025 22:48

I'd say most likely that he has either got a mistress (working overtime every weekend, huh?) or is buying sex. I don't know exactly what prostitutes charge but I'd imagine it would help explain the mysterious disappearance of a 'few hundred' every month. My ex partner never had any money either and managed to burn through nearly £10K nest egg in a couple of years, he was spending a lot of it on prostitution, regular as clockwork every Friday night or 'at the shops' as he described it.

He works overtime ,starts at 5am and is home for 12 midday and wears his smelly work gear lol , I doubt it's that tbh , but I'd actually end up in jail if it turned out to be tbh 🙈 he doesn't go out with his friends anymore tho any night out he turns down so surly if he was cheating that would be perfect excuse

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Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 22:58

snoopsy · 28/01/2025 21:52

do you think he has a gambling problem? Or he has been lending money to his parents?

Highly suspect he's lending them money , once a month he'd get a phone call from his mum and I could hear her saying thanks so much son when I pulled him up on it she never rang again , like not even to say hello which is odd too me

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Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 22:59

SeaToSki · 28/01/2025 22:09

So did he tell you outright that he hasnt actually been paying it?

Im wondering if he set the direct debit up but fucked it up somehow and has been paying someone else's rates, or something equally stupid.

I would ask him to show you the payments coming out of his bank account, its also quite possible that the council have mis coded them.

Also, if he thinks you might be able to fix it all, you might have an easier time getting to see his statements

Yh he says he swore he was paying it but then why hide letters

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Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:01

healthybychristmas · 28/01/2025 22:41

Honestly I wouldn't be able to rest until I knew what he was doing with that money particularly given what you say about his mum and dad's houses.

Realistically he is either saving the money completely separately, using drugs, gambling it away or giving it away. There is no other answer.

This has been going on for years tbh , I think he might have secret savings account because there's just no logically explanation, he does smoke weed

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Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:04

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/01/2025 21:36

If you had a joint bills account you'd have known the council tax wasn't getting paid which was the point some PP were making. Not that you should have paid more, but that you should have made sure it was getting paid. Not that that's really fair in a relationship and you shouldn't have to check your partner isn't lying to you about paying bills, just that a joint bills account provides greater transparency and oversight for everyone.

What I'd do immediately is deal with the rates problem and leave him on the side till you're ready to deal with him. Call the council ask for a payment plan. For me this would be a deal breaker, its endangered your home, but before I told him that I'd want to know where the money went. Some people do just piss away a lot of money buying things, gaming, tech, could also be drugs or gambling or money given to family.

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I honestly didn't , we don't have a joint bank account and they were addressed to him only I don't know how I've never seen a letter from them untill now but I honestly haven't he gets home from work before me so picks up the post that's been posted that day

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MissUltraViolet · 28/01/2025 23:05

At this point, if he wouldn’t sit down with me with bank statements and wage slips for an honest conversation and lay everything out in the open, I’d be leaving.

But I also wouldn’t buy a house with someone who wouldn’t let me see a bank statement in the first place!!

If he’s working full time, earns more than you and works overtime on top of that, he needs to start explaining where his money is going. No idea how you’ve lived like this for so long, it isn’t a partnership, you’re living two separate lives and know nothing about him.

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:06

Mamabear999 · 28/01/2025 21:41

I would knee cap him! (Not literally). Ring first thing and explain, tell them anything ( he has lost his mind etc)to get you on a payment plan. I would be taking 💯 control of finances. I am sure you are just raging🙈. Honestly you don’t want to bankrupted over this and lose your home as so hard to get rentals in NI. 🥲

Think I have tbh how can I live here now , he can't be trusted

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PleaseAndThankYou12 · 28/01/2025 23:07

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 20:10

Hi everyone 👋
I'll try and keep this short , we bought our first house 3 years ago , since then , me and my husband had a separation of 9 months , things had been bad tbh and I never would have bought a home with him but we found ourselves in need of somewhere new to live and had the means to buy a home , anyway , we decided to work through our issues and things have been going well since Christmas... Today I found letters he has hidden from me from land and property and turns out he has never paid the rates , like ever 🥺, we agreed that he would be responsible for them and he's told me numerous times they were paid for , we now owe 1000s and we honestly don't have the money., he's ignored the last letter that would have given him the option to pay off in installments, he's been working overtime every weekend for 5 months and I also buy all food , all school meals , all kids clothes ect I worked out he should have few hundred left at the end of the month after the bills he pays NOT Inc overtime ,and now he tells me NOW he tells me he couldn't afford it 😡 have I a right to be livid , and what will happen to the home now ? Is this unforgivable to you ?

You won't go to prison, however Land & Property Service can take you through court to recover the debt. It's a lengthy process.

If you give them a call and explain the situation, they should allow you to set up a payment plan. Ensure you keep a paper trail of anything you receive from them/send to them etc.

Good luck x

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:07

healthybychristmas · 28/01/2025 22:41

Can you check his credit rating?

He got a credit card last year so it must be ok ,

OP posts:

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 28/01/2025 23:08

Land and Property will work with you to get the rates paid off so there will be a way out of this.
As for the arrogance of your useless husband, well there's a way out of that too.
I'm so sorry this happened OP, I'd be bloody fuming. It's not just the rates is it, it's the trust going that he's lied to you and has landed you both in this situation.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 28/01/2025 23:08

ru53 · 28/01/2025 20:19

Sorry for the stupid question what are rates?

Council tax

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:10

MissUltraViolet · 28/01/2025 23:05

At this point, if he wouldn’t sit down with me with bank statements and wage slips for an honest conversation and lay everything out in the open, I’d be leaving.

But I also wouldn’t buy a house with someone who wouldn’t let me see a bank statement in the first place!!

If he’s working full time, earns more than you and works overtime on top of that, he needs to start explaining where his money is going. No idea how you’ve lived like this for so long, it isn’t a partnership, you’re living two separate lives and know nothing about him.

He's quite a bit older than me so I think looking back I was a bit native really 🙈 but I'm 29 so what's my excuse for past years , I didn't want to buy the house but the rental we had was sold and literally had no other option , we couldn't find somewhere to rent and wasn't willing to pay same as a mortgage to live in some tiny house miles away from the kids school , we both dont drive , Im doing my lessons ATM , he could never be arsed

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ByQuaintAzureWasp · 28/01/2025 23:12

Soonenough · 28/01/2025 21:14

Three years rates shouldn't add up to that much do they . Anyway you absolutely should contact them to work out a payment plan . It costs them money to take you to court , get bailiffs. Any reasonable offer will do it. The fact that you contact will always go in your favour . In the meantime you have to have an honest discussion about finances . He needs to disclose his income and outgoings to you. If there is a huge gap you need to know why . Gambling , drugs , debt he should not be keeping this from you. Otherwise get rid for good this time. Make arrangements about the house and file for child support .

Mine would be over £9k

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:13

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 28/01/2025 23:08

Land and Property will work with you to get the rates paid off so there will be a way out of this.
As for the arrogance of your useless husband, well there's a way out of that too.
I'm so sorry this happened OP, I'd be bloody fuming. It's not just the rates is it, it's the trust going that he's lied to you and has landed you both in this situation.

Exactly he had one job 🫠 , I'm pulled this way and that everyday with clubs and football and horse riding and swimming and discos ect ect all he has to do is come home get his dinner handed to him and had to set up a direct debit once

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LostTheMarble · 28/01/2025 23:15

Exactly the same thing happened with my ex. Several times. First time swore it was a mismanagement, managed to cover it but we’d both recently been made redundant and that was almost of our emergency funds gone. Happened again, lucky was in a better position to sort it. The third time (yes, I bloody know) I lost my shit completely. Called them and sorted a payment plan, had the next few future payments come from my account (until I moved out and into my own place).

The first couple of times were almost excusable, thinking the money was needed elsewhere as a priority, then absolutely convinced me there had been a mixup in setting up a DD when moving. By the last time realised he was just shit with money and life management in general (whole other story). Thing is, he’s now earning more than ever, has very low day to day living costs, and I know for a fact he’s done it again. There is no helping some people - you’re better out than them dragging you down with them.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 28/01/2025 23:16

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:25

He woudlnt do this tbh we e had this argument before , everytime he says he's skint I ask how could you be I worked out you get X y and z and you pay x y and z ... It normally ends in mind your own business it's my money

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TbH he wouldn't have his own account because he clearly can't be trusted. Joint account and his salary paid into this so you can see where money goes. If not, he can leave.

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:18

LostTheMarble · 28/01/2025 23:15

Exactly the same thing happened with my ex. Several times. First time swore it was a mismanagement, managed to cover it but we’d both recently been made redundant and that was almost of our emergency funds gone. Happened again, lucky was in a better position to sort it. The third time (yes, I bloody know) I lost my shit completely. Called them and sorted a payment plan, had the next few future payments come from my account (until I moved out and into my own place).

The first couple of times were almost excusable, thinking the money was needed elsewhere as a priority, then absolutely convinced me there had been a mixup in setting up a DD when moving. By the last time realised he was just shit with money and life management in general (whole other story). Thing is, he’s now earning more than ever, has very low day to day living costs, and I know for a fact he’s done it again. There is no helping some people - you’re better out than them dragging you down with them.

Sorry to hear that , it's like a punch to the gut isn't it , I'm a natural big worrier too so the thought he could just lie for years disgusts me , I don't think there's any going back , I'm so disgusted, came to pick out bathroom and a kitchen with me knowing he never once paid the rates , not once from the day we moved in

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Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:19

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 28/01/2025 23:16

TbH he wouldn't have his own account because he clearly can't be trusted. Joint account and his salary paid into this so you can see where money goes. If not, he can leave.

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Unfortunately you can't force someone to do that nor force him out of the home I've tried 🤣

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Joy69 · 28/01/2025 23:30

Please do not set up a joint account with him. You will have joint liability, which means if he takes out loans, overdrafts etc you will be liable for them. Also to come of it if it goes wrong is a nightmare.
I think there's probably a lot more going on than you realise. I really hope you get sorted out. It sounds like you will be fine on your own - probably better off. I'm on a low wage, but actually managed to save a little bit when my exh left because I was in control of the finances.
Good luck 💐

Tahlbias · 28/01/2025 23:50

I would be furious with him! 🤬

DorothyStorm · 29/01/2025 06:05

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:19

Unfortunately you can't force someone to do that nor force him out of the home I've tried 🤣

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He is a very selfish man doing all this harm to his family and not even caring about it.!

ThatAgileLimeCat · 29/01/2025 07:01

He is very clearly lying about something and ,while my first thoughts were debts, gambling, drugs, affair, your updates make me think they money is going to his family. If it's via a mortgage then it will show on credit report. If he owns other houses then make sure the solicitor knows this as that will be factored into the settlement.
I'm sorry.x It does look like you are being financially abused. He earns more than you, contributes less than you,does not support the children, and funnels his money elsewhere. He won't change.

Taigabread · 29/01/2025 07:26

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 20:56

Hi I'm new to this so don't know how to reply individually, im in Derry , what I pay is more than what he's responsible for , he earns more than me without the extra overtime money , hes always worked hard and always been skint apparently, never understood were money goes , it's been left to him because that's what we decided, i thought it was easier for him to pay mortgage and rates and I'd take care of monthly club costs for kids , any holidays , school meals , uniforms , Christmas , food , electric, TV licence ect he's bad with money so I just told him to set up direct debits , I don't think that is it being left up to him he had 2 jobs , mortgage and insurance, rates , I pay off the kitchen , I pay off Argos card , I pay off the sofa , I paid the plumber ect ect ect ! Yes the mortgage is paid , he's also quite bit older than me and just said he wanted to be responsible for that .. I let him because tbh that's much easier than what I pay , I've constantly have money for clubs and swimming and electric and food every week, we've never had a joint bank account, like I said he's bad with money so I thankfully made the right decision to keep our bank accounts separate,believe me I got the short straw, but it's not even he's paying more or I am tbh it's not saying anything about it that's the real issue , I would have cut back to make the rates as much as I could have ,I would have sorted it tbh like I always do 😡

Edited

It sounds like you have both spent money you didn't have with things like a new kitchen, new sofas and big spends in argos.
When you first buy a house it's expensive and it used to be the norm to make do for a few years with perhaps a dated kitchen, second sofas gifted from a family member etc.
If money wasn't easy why did you run up a load of debt?
Very few houses are sold with a kitchen that literally is not liveable - because it makes the house unmortgageable. However bad it was you probably could have managed with it for a while instead of building up debt

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 29/01/2025 08:25

Taigabread · 29/01/2025 07:26

It sounds like you have both spent money you didn't have with things like a new kitchen, new sofas and big spends in argos.
When you first buy a house it's expensive and it used to be the norm to make do for a few years with perhaps a dated kitchen, second sofas gifted from a family member etc.
If money wasn't easy why did you run up a load of debt?
Very few houses are sold with a kitchen that literally is not liveable - because it makes the house unmortgageable. However bad it was you probably could have managed with it for a while instead of building up debt

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Im doing fine paying off everything lol I only thought we had the money because he was in charge of rates and mortgage, I worked it out before of course there should be a few hundred left for him after bills are paid BEFORE overtime , I'm not the sort to just buy kitchens and sofas without going through my finances to see if it's affordable, that's the thing ..it is 🤷 and that's me responsible for that it's nothing to do with him all he has to do is pay mortgage and rates and his wage before overtime is more than enough, it's never been a we can't afford it issue or so I thought

OP posts:

Yalta · 29/01/2025 08:47

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:19

Unfortunately you can't force someone to do that nor force him out of the home I've tried 🤣

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Well he is going to have to leave when the house is sold and he finds himself divorced