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AIBU?

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Original poster

Will we lose our home ? Should I lose a husband

189 replies

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 20:10

Hi everyone 👋
I'll try and keep this short , we bought our first house 3 years ago , since then , me and my husband had a separation of 9 months , things had been bad tbh and I never would have bought a home with him but we found ourselves in need of somewhere new to live and had the means to buy a home , anyway , we decided to work through our issues and things have been going well since Christmas... Today I found letters he has hidden from me from land and property and turns out he has never paid the rates , like ever 🥺, we agreed that he would be responsible for them and he's told me numerous times they were paid for , we now owe 1000s and we honestly don't have the money., he's ignored the last letter that would have given him the option to pay off in installments, he's been working overtime every weekend for 5 months and I also buy all food , all school meals , all kids clothes ect I worked out he should have few hundred left at the end of the month after the bills he pays NOT Inc overtime ,and now he tells me NOW he tells me he couldn't afford it 😡 have I a right to be livid , and what will happen to the home now ? Is this unforgivable to you ?

OP posts:
IcyHare · 28/01/2025 21:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2025 21:21

Call the local debt charity first, work out what info you need to give the Rates people. Ask how you can negotiate it so that you don't end up responsible for the whole amount, only half.
Have a good look about to find any financial statements - I know everyone frowns on this but he has lied about finances and potentially landed you in debt whilst you have been responsibly paying for more than your share from the sounds of it.
You MUST check the mortgage too.. he might only be paying interest, or hiding bills.

Best of luck.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:21

Holy shit, he's an utter fucker if he's done that.

He's a shit husband and father, he can go move in with mummy if he'd rather pay her bills than his own.

Greyish2025 · 28/01/2025 21:22

suburberphobe · 28/01/2025 21:13

OP @Derrygirl09

To reply to an individual, you type the @ sign and go through the list of names the name will pop up that you want to reply to.

or else you can select the ‘’quote’’ button at the bottom of the post

Whooooo · 28/01/2025 21:23

Doggymummar · 28/01/2025 20:21

Rates are from before council tax - how many years are we going back 20 or more for sure edit guess you are not in England

Edited

@Derrygirl09 Blimey, how old are you??

Polll tax came in in 1990

OpenFox · 28/01/2025 21:23

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:08

Can someone tell me how to reply individually lol maybe I'm stupid 🤷 we just both agreed no joint accounts because in his words he's bad with money , I'm aware it's my home and safety but why should I be responsible for absolutely everything, they are his kids too he had 2 jobs I asked had he set up direct debits and he said yeah all done , I didn't think I needed to worry on top of being responsible for absolutely everything eles it's a direct debit you set it up and that's it 🤷 tbh i'm responsible for absolutely everything eles I've bills coming out my ears 🙈 I've worked out the money , he should be able to afford it with few 100 spare before overtime

Your husband is clearly financially incompetent.

The ONLY way to move forward is for you to do all the finances.

Go through his money with him, then get him to transfer you a lump sum every month to cover everything he was responsible for plus enough to pay off this debt each month. Make sure he transfers the money the same day he is paid. He can then have whatever is left.

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:24

BakedAl · 28/01/2025 21:18

I am surprised they haven't tried to get the money directly through his wages. I have had these kind of orders before for employees in NI.

I wish they would so I don't have to worry about it tbh 🙈 I'm just disgusted he wasn't mentioned , its like 20 pound a week , I could have afforded it tbh , I didn't know there was an issue with money , he told me everything was fine on his part , I'd no reason to not believe it's all he pays and gets more than me in wages 🙈 it's not like he was struggling and I refused to help with 'his' bills , he told me everything was ok 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:25

OpenFox · 28/01/2025 21:23

Your husband is clearly financially incompetent.

The ONLY way to move forward is for you to do all the finances.

Go through his money with him, then get him to transfer you a lump sum every month to cover everything he was responsible for plus enough to pay off this debt each month. Make sure he transfers the money the same day he is paid. He can then have whatever is left.

Show quote history

He woudlnt do this tbh we e had this argument before , everytime he says he's skint I ask how could you be I worked out you get X y and z and you pay x y and z ... It normally ends in mind your own business it's my money

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:26

Whooooo · 28/01/2025 21:23

@Derrygirl09 Blimey, how old are you??

Polll tax came in in 1990

Show quote history

No a few years tho

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:26

Whooooo · 28/01/2025 21:23

@Derrygirl09 Blimey, how old are you??

Polll tax came in in 1990

Show quote history

Isn't it bloody obvious that the OP is in NI?? The post is regarding their Rates. Rates being the correct name for where OP is located.

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:27

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2025 21:21

Call the local debt charity first, work out what info you need to give the Rates people. Ask how you can negotiate it so that you don't end up responsible for the whole amount, only half.
Have a good look about to find any financial statements - I know everyone frowns on this but he has lied about finances and potentially landed you in debt whilst you have been responsibly paying for more than your share from the sounds of it.
You MUST check the mortgage too.. he might only be paying interest, or hiding bills.

Best of luck.

Mortgage is defo paid I found all the paperwork for everything .

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:27

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:26

Isn't it bloody obvious that the OP is in NI?? The post is regarding their Rates. Rates being the correct name for where OP is located.

Show quote history

I'm 29 🤔

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:28

@Derrygirl09 just out of curiosity, is it in both of your names? Is the mortgage and deeds in joint names?

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

His das also doesn't work now and still has his house which I don't understand as he had interest only mortgage

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:30

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:17

Whilst I agree it's bad, it's not as bad as it could have been. Three years of rates isn't that much, unless they live in a large house under an expensive area.

But overall, it's certainly a betrayal, and this would be relationship ending for me. I just didn't want OP to get freaked out about the amount they need to pay.

Show quote history

It's over 2 grand !!

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/01/2025 21:31

Sit him down and both of you log into his bank account and go through the statement together. That should answer most of your questions about where the money is going.

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:31

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:28

@Derrygirl09 just out of curiosity, is it in both of your names? Is the mortgage and deeds in joint names?

Yes both , I don't think he'd of got a mortgage on his own tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:32

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/01/2025 21:31

Sit him down and both of you log into his bank account and go through the statement together. That should answer most of your questions about where the money is going.

Be better chance of pigs flying tbh never seen his bank account in my life 🙈

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/01/2025 21:32

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:32

Be better chance of pigs flying tbh never seen his bank account in my life 🙈

Show quote history

Did he fuck up this badly before? Make it non-negotiable

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:34

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/01/2025 21:32

Did he fuck up this badly before? Make it non-negotiable

Edited
Show quote history

No he's just always been funny with money and used the I'm bad with money excuse but tbh is he really ? Maybe I'm just a fool tbh he doesn't seem to buy anything so how can he truly be 'bad with money ' I met him when I was quite young tbh and maybe I've been a blind sighted idiot

OP posts:
YourAzureEagle · 28/01/2025 21:35

The council would have to go to court for the rates, get a ccj, put a charge on the house, go to court for an order for sale - slow and expensive.

If you offer to pay in instalments I would imagine they will bite your hand off, especially as offering that in court would likely be accepted by the judge.

Make sure you get all the post going forward and respond to any court summons that may arrive.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/01/2025 21:36

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 20:56

Hi I'm new to this so don't know how to reply individually, im in Derry , what I pay is more than what he's responsible for , he earns more than me without the extra overtime money , hes always worked hard and always been skint apparently, never understood were money goes , it's been left to him because that's what we decided, i thought it was easier for him to pay mortgage and rates and I'd take care of monthly club costs for kids , any holidays , school meals , uniforms , Christmas , food , electric, TV licence ect he's bad with money so I just told him to set up direct debits , I don't think that is it being left up to him he had 2 jobs , mortgage and insurance, rates , I pay off the kitchen , I pay off Argos card , I pay off the sofa , I paid the plumber ect ect ect ! Yes the mortgage is paid , he's also quite bit older than me and just said he wanted to be responsible for that .. I let him because tbh that's much easier than what I pay , I've constantly have money for clubs and swimming and electric and food every week, we've never had a joint bank account, like I said he's bad with money so I thankfully made the right decision to keep our bank accounts separate,believe me I got the short straw, but it's not even he's paying more or I am tbh it's not saying anything about it that's the real issue , I would have cut back to make the rates as much as I could have ,I would have sorted it tbh like I always do 😡

Edited

If you had a joint bills account you'd have known the council tax wasn't getting paid which was the point some PP were making. Not that you should have paid more, but that you should have made sure it was getting paid. Not that that's really fair in a relationship and you shouldn't have to check your partner isn't lying to you about paying bills, just that a joint bills account provides greater transparency and oversight for everyone.

What I'd do immediately is deal with the rates problem and leave him on the side till you're ready to deal with him. Call the council ask for a payment plan. For me this would be a deal breaker, its endangered your home, but before I told him that I'd want to know where the money went. Some people do just piss away a lot of money buying things, gaming, tech, could also be drugs or gambling or money given to family.

Completelyjo · 28/01/2025 21:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Oh come on what a ridiculous comment. Why did she leave it to him? Why didn’t she have her eyes on it?
Probably because she dealt with every other thing and he had two single things to manage!

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:39

YourAzureEagle · 28/01/2025 21:35

The council would have to go to court for the rates, get a ccj, put a charge on the house, go to court for an order for sale - slow and expensive.

If you offer to pay in instalments I would imagine they will bite your hand off, especially as offering that in court would likely be accepted by the judge.

Make sure you get all the post going forward and respond to any court summons that may arrive.

Yh he's off work tonight said you better ring when I'm there of course he's refused to do that , but I want to be there to take phone off him and tell them I'll pay them. I'll also be looking somewhere else to live but tbh I was looking for 9 months , there's literally nothing I can afford now , I know if I move out he'll end up losing the house completely 🤷 he's incapable

OP posts:
Mamabear999 · 28/01/2025 21:41

I would knee cap him! (Not literally). Ring first thing and explain, tell them anything ( he has lost his mind etc)to get you on a payment plan. I would be taking 💯 control of finances. I am sure you are just raging🙈. Honestly you don’t want to bankrupted over this and lose your home as so hard to get rentals in NI. 🥲