DB’s “fun uncle” behavior during the kids’ meal times

[BadHairForDays]

I’m going to start with a disclaimer; I am strict/uptight-adjacent about the DS (6) and DD (3) eating well, trying new things, and learning good table manners and. I promise, I do try to relax and let things slide from time to time, but it’s definitely a parenting Achilles’ heel of mine.

For further context, both my kids have a number of food allergies which a) they have been hospitalized for in the past and which b) mean there are certain things they cannot eat, and my DH and I are trying to educate them about the food they can have and give them as varied a diet as possible within the constraints we work with.

DB is a great uncle (no kids of his own), loads of fun with the kids and very hands-on. He also really boils my p*ss when it comes to meal times and he’s staying with us.

He’ll constantly distract the kids, trying to make them laugh, tickling them, pretending to be a spider and nick their food, dancing in front of them, cracking jokes. I’d hate to have a silent Victorian style meal-time, and we always chat over dinner, but he literally goes out of his way to distract them from eating. Like, they just don’t eat whenever he’s in this mode.

I have not lost my rag - yet - but I do ask him nicely to let them eat. It also really aggravates DH too but I appreciate that it’s my DB so my responsibility to address this with him.

When I do ask him to let the kids eat, he is visibly annoyed or will smirk and roll his eyes.

At a big family meal over Christmas we were all talking in general about kids and food and their various whimsies and I talked about my anxieties over meal times and how I am trying to ease up and he announced in front of the whole table that I “just needed to make allowances” and “chill out”.

I’d love a bit of advice on what to do. DB is not great at accepting criticism, however light and can be incredibly cutting and unpleasant when he feels “told off” which means I am now anxious about how to deal with this.

YABU - chill out, the kids will be fine
YANBU - you need to find a way of asking him to lay off the comedy routine at meal times.

Counter attack?
Come out tonight dressed as a jester and tickle him during his meal?

At a big family meal over Christmas we were all talking in general about kids and food and their various whimsies and I talked about my anxieties over meal times and how I am trying to ease up and he announced in front of the whole table that I “just needed to make allowances” and “chill out”.

He’s right. What part are you taking issue with?

You brought it up to discuss so he’s allowed to pass comment.

How often is he around? If it’s not often, I’d just let it go, having some silly meal times isn’t the end of the world and education about the food can happen at one of the other many meals.

Absolutely this

Would depend for me on how often he's there.
Hardly ever: I'd lighten up a bit
Regularly: put him in his place

God he sounds annoying. Keep a taser handy and give him a little zap next time he's arseholing around like a dancing spider.

You do sound possibly a little uptight though.

How often is this happening? If we’re talking occasional events and family dinners, and the kids find him funny, I’d let it slide a bit, there are bigger hills to die on.

Kids either eat or they don’t. Special needs aside, the vast majority of them who were vegetable-refusniks at 7 grow up to have refined palates, and the vast majority who refuse to eat anything other than chicken nuggets, cheese, pasta, and toast for a year or so don’t end up in hospital with malnutrition. Sweating the small stuff and building up food and mealtimes into a battle ground doesn’t make mealtime enjoyable for children, or you.

I think yanbu actually.

I'd compromise - once the kids have eaten a reasonable amount of main course, they can mess about at pudding time.

Or they can joke around as much as they like, as long as a reasonable amount of food gets eaten.

By "the kids", I'm including your DB.

I'd frame it to him as eating being the main questline and messing about being a side questline.

Because if they don't eat properly, they'll want sweet snacks later, and then bedtime is affected, and all of a sudden your evening has gone to shit

It's hard to tell if you're a bit over anxious over mealtimes, BUT having said that, he is a guest when he eats at yours, so he should respect your rules.

I'd have a firm word with him, saying dinner is for eating and playing is for before and after.

And it's all very well being accused of being uptight, but you're the one who has to deal with the fallout if they're too hungry at bedtime

Exactly, it's quite passive aggressive to say that to a parent.

It's similar to family members giving sweets and chocolate and then getting bothered when you say, not now as they won't eat their dinner.

I can't even begin to describe how much I love this suggestion. 😂

Agree with others that it depends how often he eats with you.

And if he's eating at yours, you've got control over where he sits. Seat the kids at one end of the table, with him at the other end and you and dh in between. If he questions why, say you're trying something new as you've noticed the kids get distracted from eating when you have company.

True, but it did feel like an attack and like he'd not listened to where I was trying to come from.

The thing is, with this type of fun uncle, it doesn't matter where he sits. The whole dining room is his stage.

My own dh us very "fun" with the kids but he uses this as a strength at mealtimes to get the kids to eat vegetables. Eg pretending the spoon is a plane or pretending the food can talk "eat me! Aargh I'm being chewed" etc.

So much more helpful

If it were me, I’d approach it with him at a time separate from the meal. Ask him why he does it. Why does he do it? Because he believes you’re po-faced and stressed at mealtimes? But don’t wait til he’s doing it and you have to react, ask him to stop in a separate conversation.

I had to tell my brother to not make my dc laugh during dinner when he was over because dc2 3 years old at the time was laughing so hard he choked on his food and turned blue! Really scary. I managed to tap his back on putting him upside down but we could have lost him. So YANBU. Tell Bil you LOVE for him to play with the kids before or after the meal. It's a matter of life and death- learnt the hard way.

How often is your brother actually staying with you? Unless he actually lives with you, then I'd just let this go.

“DB is not great at accepting criticism, however light and can be incredibly cutting and unpleasant when he feels “told off” which means I am now anxious about how to deal with this.”

He isn’t going to accept your criticism, and his way of winning is to be cutting and unpleasant which he knows makes you anxious. How about you reframe it, you know he’s going to be cutting and unpleasant but you call him out on it? Why does he think it’s OK to overrule your wishes for your children in your household? (I know these family dynamics are a nightmare to change, but maybe this is the catalyst for a more adult relationship between you?)

He can lay off tickling them for starters. It’s not an appropriate time or place for him to be tickling the children (and I think tickling is an intrusive act that shouldn’t be encouraged anyway): it isn’t good for digestion to be physically squirming and gasping and laughing as a reaction to tickling, and it will hype them up and distract them more than anything else will.

I think enforcing just that will lead to calmer mealtimes. Nothing wrong with laughing and chatting, but make the tickling a hard no, ask your brother if he’d like to be tickled while eating, and if not, why? The rest will follow if you cut the tickling out: he’ll calm down too.

I talked about my anxieties over meal times and how I am trying to ease up

You are giving mixed messages. Don't put yourself down. You have reasons for wanting to have calm, pleasant meal times.

Food allergies are serious and kids at your ones' ages are important times to set expectations and encourage healthy eating. Like, they just don’t eat whenever he’s in this mode. No parent wants someone to do this to their kids!

I hope others' views here have helped you believe in yourself - your brother sounds like a pain in the arse quite frankly.

I have not lost my rag - yet - but I do ask him nicely to let them eat.

You don't have to lose your rag but I would definitely say to him before the next meal that you really need him to stop mucking about at meal times. They are for eating and it stops them eating plus it's really annoying! Maybe ask him if he would like it if a "jester" did that to him. Is he eating as well? If not, I would have him in another room, on his phone or with a book for the duration.

However, I think he will be sulky and thick about it. Tough. Your kids and your blood pressure.

That must have been absolutely terrifying for you.

It probably averages out as every two months, but he'll come and stay for a while.

Don't invite him for meals ?