DB’s “fun uncle” behavior during the kids’ meal times

[BadHairForDays]

I’m going to start with a disclaimer; I am strict/uptight-adjacent about the DS (6) and DD (3) eating well, trying new things, and learning good table manners and. I promise, I do try to relax and let things slide from time to time, but it’s definitely a parenting Achilles’ heel of mine.

For further context, both my kids have a number of food allergies which a) they have been hospitalized for in the past and which b) mean there are certain things they cannot eat, and my DH and I are trying to educate them about the food they can have and give them as varied a diet as possible within the constraints we work with.

DB is a great uncle (no kids of his own), loads of fun with the kids and very hands-on. He also really boils my p*ss when it comes to meal times and he’s staying with us.

He’ll constantly distract the kids, trying to make them laugh, tickling them, pretending to be a spider and nick their food, dancing in front of them, cracking jokes. I’d hate to have a silent Victorian style meal-time, and we always chat over dinner, but he literally goes out of his way to distract them from eating. Like, they just don’t eat whenever he’s in this mode.

I have not lost my rag - yet - but I do ask him nicely to let them eat. It also really aggravates DH too but I appreciate that it’s my DB so my responsibility to address this with him.

When I do ask him to let the kids eat, he is visibly annoyed or will smirk and roll his eyes.

At a big family meal over Christmas we were all talking in general about kids and food and their various whimsies and I talked about my anxieties over meal times and how I am trying to ease up and he announced in front of the whole table that I “just needed to make allowances” and “chill out”.

I’d love a bit of advice on what to do. DB is not great at accepting criticism, however light and can be incredibly cutting and unpleasant when he feels “told off” which means I am now anxious about how to deal with this.

YABU - chill out, the kids will be fine
YANBU - you need to find a way of asking him to lay off the comedy routine at meal times.

"If they're hungry, they'll eat!"

That's like saying "if they're tired, they'll sleep!"
"If they need to wee, they'll go to the toilet!"

[Laughs bitterly]

Your brother sounds like an attention seeker. He smirks when you tell him to stop so he's doing it on purpose to wind you up. Stop having him at mealtimes and tell him it's because he won't respect your wishes to knock off disrupting your children eating. There has to be consequences for people like this.

Yes, and with the wider family too. He has at times alienated other family members with his temper/attacks on their character.

I agree that this sounds like a power play. I would tell him that he can decide how mealtimes are conducted when he's in his own house and when he has his own children. If he can't respect your reasonable household rules, he can just not come around any more.

I love it when family members who push the, "just this once" line are also the ones who want to be around ALL the time.

Either you want to be an occasional fun guest who exceptions can be made for, or you need to be a bit more reliable/in tune with the kids' needs and structure.

The compromise if he's staying a few nights could be a "fun first night" then lower key the rest of the time.

Do your children get so distracted dinner doesnt get eaten? Or are they behaving like uncle at other mealtimes? If not just use him as the bad example of how not to behave and leave him to it. Sounds like he is trying to wind you up and i wouldnt rise to it.

I would definitely say something if children are not eating or misbehaving due to his behavior.

Happy memories aren't the only thing that matter. They can laugh with their uncle at other times, can't they?

Can't imagine OP is jealous because her DB likes to wind the kids up at mealtimes, apparently just to prove he can. For the three year old especially it's not fair. Kids are easily wound up to the point of bad behaviour or overstimulation, it's OP's job to make sure they eat and sleep so they, not just her DB, can enjoy his visit.

Bide your time.
My brother was the same, until he had one of his own, much younger than mine. Now we are the 'fun family', with teens and us clowning, while he has steam coming out of his ears because his little one won't sit still to eat. And he can say not a word about it.

Go full out Friday Night Dinner on him —- salt in his drink, pepper or chilli in his food, laugh uproariously at his misery, oh it’s only a joke, I’m lightening up. Then stop abruptly, stare him in the eyes and say my house, my rules. Mess with me again and you’ll be eating worse. Far worse.

If this only happens occasionally, I wouldn’t give it another thought. And, in the nicest possible way, I’d think about whether you’re finding his behaviour so triggering because you are incredibly anxious and regimented about mealtimes, food, allergies and table-manners, and are in danger of making meals incredibly tense and joyless occasions. They’re only six and three, OP!

Alas I don't have the balls to do the first part (might end up being pushed the second part), but boy will I daydream about it!

Tell him that if he distracts them from eating he will be the one dealing with any bedtime supper requests

I would tell him it's your house and your kids so this is how things are done at meal times.

Tell him to grow up.

Genuinely, thank you for this super thoughtful response. ❤ Lots to think about.

dont invite him for dinner / staying over. it doesnt work for you

I’ve had to do the children's version of the Heimlich on a 4yo child too, at a birthday party - they were laughing so much, they inhaled their food. Also nearly died. I wasn’t in the room when it started but not a single bloody adult (there were about 12) in the room acted. I was only alerted as the church hall went quiet apart from the seal-like honking of a child trying to breathe past an obstruction.

I’m afraid I’d be telling DB that as lovely as his relationship with my kids is, it’s my house, my rules and the DC’s safety is paramount. He can josh around with them at any and all times AWAY from the table. And if he won’t support your parenting decisions, he’d best stay away.

I agree. He stays every couple of months, it's not like it's every day.

I mean the thing is you do admit being quite strict and uptight about meal times. Is it possible that you actually do need to chill out and relax a bit? Before long you won’t even remember this time.

Can you just not have him to stay so regularly? - you say he comes about every two months and stays a while - why? Can you not just have him less? And if he comes to stay because he ‘needs’ to for work or whatever then he should be bending over backwards to be useful rather than be a dick. Feed kids separately when he’s around is another option …though you shouldn’t have to change routines in your own home!

I wonder if he is doing this because your anxieties are making meal times tense and anxious affairs?

Why on earth are you putting up with this stupid juvenile behaviour?
Just stop having him in your house. He's a nasty piece of work and will start on your children soon.

Yes, and with the wider family too. He has at times alienated other family members with his temper/attacks on their character

Lighten up on the mealtimes - but keep an eye on this above happening with your kids. Don't be scared to halt the visits if when he gets in a mood with them.

For sure, and I am trying to work on this. I've not snapped at him and he's had nothing but free passes. I'm definitely more relaxed when he's not staying with us and clowning around.

@BadHairForDays But are the children more relaxed when he visits?