DB’s “fun uncle” behavior during the kids’ meal times

[BadHairForDays]

I’m going to start with a disclaimer; I am strict/uptight-adjacent about the DS (6) and DD (3) eating well, trying new things, and learning good table manners and. I promise, I do try to relax and let things slide from time to time, but it’s definitely a parenting Achilles’ heel of mine.

For further context, both my kids have a number of food allergies which a) they have been hospitalized for in the past and which b) mean there are certain things they cannot eat, and my DH and I are trying to educate them about the food they can have and give them as varied a diet as possible within the constraints we work with.

DB is a great uncle (no kids of his own), loads of fun with the kids and very hands-on. He also really boils my p*ss when it comes to meal times and he’s staying with us.

He’ll constantly distract the kids, trying to make them laugh, tickling them, pretending to be a spider and nick their food, dancing in front of them, cracking jokes. I’d hate to have a silent Victorian style meal-time, and we always chat over dinner, but he literally goes out of his way to distract them from eating. Like, they just don’t eat whenever he’s in this mode.

I have not lost my rag - yet - but I do ask him nicely to let them eat. It also really aggravates DH too but I appreciate that it’s my DB so my responsibility to address this with him.

When I do ask him to let the kids eat, he is visibly annoyed or will smirk and roll his eyes.

At a big family meal over Christmas we were all talking in general about kids and food and their various whimsies and I talked about my anxieties over meal times and how I am trying to ease up and he announced in front of the whole table that I “just needed to make allowances” and “chill out”.

I’d love a bit of advice on what to do. DB is not great at accepting criticism, however light and can be incredibly cutting and unpleasant when he feels “told off” which means I am now anxious about how to deal with this.

YABU - chill out, the kids will be fine
YANBU - you need to find a way of asking him to lay off the comedy routine at meal times.

It's absolutely terrifying. Things have come a long way with our understanding and provision for food allergies, but there's still a really long way to go, and we often find the battle is trickier with family members rather than say with school and nursery

It would drive me mad if there was any ‘horseplay’, for want of a better word, at the dinner table. Chatting, jokey remarks, gentle amusement, all fine, but tickling would be a big no, whoever was doing it - adults or children. I have to admit, I’m not a great fan of tickling at the best of times, but while people are eating it’s completely inappropriate, so I’d put a stop to it right away - say it’s liable to lead to indigestion or choking if you need a reason!

Just speak to him about it calmly. I noticed with my nephews when they were very young that if I even chatted to them at meals, no comedy routine, they got distracted and didn't eat much. I mentioned it to their mom, she agreed and so I left them alone while they ate. Just tell him so he knows, not everyone is observant.

So he doesn’t stay. I wouldn’t want someone like this staying in my house it’s just annoying.

But he does know! He rolls his eyes and laughs at the op and tell her she needs to chill out.

Totally get this OP! DS also has allergies and is underweight, so we try to do really focused mealtimes, making sure that he eats enough and also checking what is/isn’t safe to eat. ‘Fun’ visitors drive me absolutely bananas as he just stops eating or starts mucking about, and it then takes several days to get him eating decent amounts sensibly again, and in the meantime we’re stressing about his calorie intake. Argh! I’ve held off saying anything, but it is hard to know what to do for the best.

I agree that tickling isn’t on. But I hate being tickled.

I grew up visiting my GPs and staying weekends. My dad was the eldest of 8 and 5 uncles were still at home. Youngest was 17. They larked about with me and I have fond memories, usually stealing their food 🤭

I think the general entertaining you maybe need to just let him get on with. It’s a bond they’ll treasure as they get older. The tickling, could you just say no and they could suck in a breath and choke? End of

The problem with the perennial MN advice to “just say something” is that rarely does it make any difference. Either the person takes it on board for a short period then reverts - do you then become the nagging sister? Or they take umbrage are defensive and ignore it.

What you really have an issue with his personality. And he can’t or won’t change that.

There’s no obligation to have him to stay anyway. He could stay in an Airbnb. I don’t think that it is pushing him away, but establishing boundaries that work for you. Does he have you to stay at his place?

There is a few different issues in your post. The stuff about allergies is quite different to saying you are extremely uptight at mealtiimes about good table manners etc.

You also say you let go sometimes. But presumably this can't be in relation to the allergies if they have been hospitalised? Do you mean you sometimes are more relaxed about the table manners side?

Obviously you are not unreasonable at all to be worried about allergies that have sent your two to hospital. However, being really uptight or very formal at mealtimes in general could be a double-edged sword and you might end up with the kids less likely to try things and eat as you want them to if they feel like mealtimes are not relaxed or too pressurised in some way. In which case maybe fun uncle is quite a good person to have around.

I might try and separate out the issues here. Educating your kids on dangerous allergies is really the number one priority I'd have thought. But creating a very formal atmosphere around mealtimes in general might not be.

You do say your brother is a great uncle. He doesn't have his own kids and has time and energy to give lots of attention to yours. Perhaps you might even feel a bit jealous he's the "fun one" when you are having to be so responsible and think about everything else. But actually, it can be great to have close family be there entertaining your kids. You might regret it if you end up making him feel unappreciated and he doesn't bother or make the same effort. Maybe you could chat to him one to one (not in a big family gathering) seriously about the allergies and how important that is and how frightening your experiences in the past have been and agree a few groundrules together that allow you to feel more in control, whilst not stopping him being fun uncle.

it will be intersting to see how he takes this.....sensible acceptance says one thing and the bad temper and angry behaviour the Op says he has demonstrated with other family members says another. To me "he's a great uncle" has echoes of "my partner gets drunk every night and doesn't do anything to help round the house but he's a great dad"

I’m sorry, my DD has a lot of allergies as well (or as her doctors put it, she’s just allergic to the world) and it is an absolute pain (not to mention the constant worry).

If it’s only every 2 months I wouldn’t bother too much as it has no actual link to their health, but since he’s staying with you I would just warn him directly to knock it off. If it’s constant it’s too much.

Its one thing to make funny or amusing conversation, it's another to be leaping around like a prize fool and tickling people at the dinner table.

If you really can't stand it, then you're just going to have to tell him. If he sulks, then so be it. Tell him you're not criticising him, that you love his energy with the kids, but prefer a calmer dinner time so that the kids can eat their meals and aren't hungry again later.

It's important for children to learn manners when eating imo. For example, I hate it when kids eat with their fingers when they're old enough to use cutlery, or adults who have no manners and can't use cutlery properly.

You don't have to make allowances for him. You house, your children, your rules. He'll get over it.

Yes, but really quite diplomatically and thought through. She's also a history of being really very led by emotions and having significant arguments with family members, leading to longer fall outs. I've had to leave rooms or tell her directly to stop shouting or arguing before.
A lot of the issue ses to be that she had a privileged upbringing and very little awareness of society beyond her own bubble. BiL sees it and can be more balanced, but as a pair they are a real echo chamber.
You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family....

Is it just me or does ‘Fun Uncle’ - give off Colin Hunt from Fast Show vibes ?!

Sounds like my brother who also doesn't have kids, my kids absolutely love him so he gets a pass plus he's not around that often

Not sure why you are worried about allergies and your children eating food they are allergic to because gun uncle is around? Surely those foods just aren't in your home?

A bit on the fence with this one, I do completely understand how annoying that could be! But on the other hand allergies are scary, not just for you but for the children and having dinner times be fun could really help them still enjoy their food, rather than getting worried about it. Maybe ask him to make sure they are actually putting the food in their gob while he is messing around though! They don't stay small for long and honestly these are probably some really happy memories they will have, it won't be long before they are getting too "grown up" for silliness- and you will miss those real belly laughs they get. If he is staying with you he could also make the dinner sometimes for them and then be the one to settle them back down - just so he understands where you are coming from and bide your time so if he has kids you can get your own back 😆

This is where I struggle.

Agree with this. Try discuss outside of meal times - maybe if you explain to him without the pressure of it being meal time he may actually listen. Either way, what he is doing is very annoying and unnecessary.

Are you really uptight about it OP? Or is that the way he makes you feel because of the established family dynamics. My family always told me I was uptight and sensitive and as an adult I’m constantly second guessing myself but I’ve realised actually I wasn’t too sensitive, I was legitimately hurt and upset by their behaviours.

If he can’t respect your (totally fine) rules in your home then he doesn’t come over (for meals).

Once every two months is OK, and it does sound great fun for the dc.

But, it would annoy me if they weren't eating and had to manage the aftermath.

Just a thought, have you invited your in laws over at the same time? His dm might be the bad guy:)

Oh, and the tickling. Absolutely not. Intrusive imo. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm a killjoy.

No Tickling at the Table ( or anywhere else) bellowed sternly. Would your dh randomly start tickling his dB? No.

I want to put on a Disney tie so I can ‘out fun’ the fun uncle !