DB’s “fun uncle” behavior during the kids’ meal times

[BadHairForDays]

I’m going to start with a disclaimer; I am strict/uptight-adjacent about the DS (6) and DD (3) eating well, trying new things, and learning good table manners and. I promise, I do try to relax and let things slide from time to time, but it’s definitely a parenting Achilles’ heel of mine.

For further context, both my kids have a number of food allergies which a) they have been hospitalized for in the past and which b) mean there are certain things they cannot eat, and my DH and I are trying to educate them about the food they can have and give them as varied a diet as possible within the constraints we work with.

DB is a great uncle (no kids of his own), loads of fun with the kids and very hands-on. He also really boils my p*ss when it comes to meal times and he’s staying with us.

He’ll constantly distract the kids, trying to make them laugh, tickling them, pretending to be a spider and nick their food, dancing in front of them, cracking jokes. I’d hate to have a silent Victorian style meal-time, and we always chat over dinner, but he literally goes out of his way to distract them from eating. Like, they just don’t eat whenever he’s in this mode.

I have not lost my rag - yet - but I do ask him nicely to let them eat. It also really aggravates DH too but I appreciate that it’s my DB so my responsibility to address this with him.

When I do ask him to let the kids eat, he is visibly annoyed or will smirk and roll his eyes.

At a big family meal over Christmas we were all talking in general about kids and food and their various whimsies and I talked about my anxieties over meal times and how I am trying to ease up and he announced in front of the whole table that I “just needed to make allowances” and “chill out”.

I’d love a bit of advice on what to do. DB is not great at accepting criticism, however light and can be incredibly cutting and unpleasant when he feels “told off” which means I am now anxious about how to deal with this.

YABU - chill out, the kids will be fine
YANBU - you need to find a way of asking him to lay off the comedy routine at meal times.

For further context, both my kids have a number of food allergies which a) they have been hospitalized for in the past and which b) mean there are certain things they cannot eat, and my DH and I are trying to educate them about the food they can have and give them as varied a diet as possible within the constraints we work with.

I can see why you are perhaps anxious but frankly Id be unhappy with this behavior as well.

I do like the idea of picnic when he round - or not having him round for meals or feeding kids sperate and away from him possibly earlier.

I will say though your DH may be the one the gets listen to - despite it being your family member. I know my family listen when DH says something when they'll dismiss me - and I found it easier to say no and get that heard to IL than DH did for years.

God....he sounds awful

I suppose if he disrupts 2 meals every 2 months I'd let it go

However any more than that and I'd feed the children separately to the adults when he's there

I see no point causing an argument, however if he decides to kick off, maybe you could use it as an opportunity to find your voice

I think that poster is asking if you’re rigid and joyless at mealtimes around your children, not around your brother when he visits!

Sounds an oddball tickling when eating.
Get rid.

I can’t decide what to vote to be honest.

YANBU in the sense that he sounds annoying

but YABU in the sense that him joking too much or interrupting has absolutely nothing to do with allergies. I’m not even sure what’s the connection you make here.

If you don’t want a confrontation I’d just say I like quiet meal times and it’s your chance to unwind so to please cut it off and he can go play with them later.

He's undermining you in your own home.
He's also deliberately teaching the children that mocking you is fun.
He's also a sensitive flower who doesn't like being told off. Is he getting back at your for childhood favouritism? Probably needs to see a therapist.

So, less sensible but more interesting answer.

Next time he's eating without the children present, you do what he does. Poke him. Hide his food. Climb on the table. Blow raspberries in his ear. Pretend to burp. Pretend to fart. Get a straw and blow bubbles in his drink. Crawl under the table and mess with his laces. Pull faces. Roll your eyes. If he reacts, tell him to lighten up. Meals are supposed to be fun.

Every few months isn’t the end of the world. I’d probably say to ease up and let them enjoy his company.

No, (though I appreciate everyone will say/think ‘well of course you’d say that OP’!). We always chat over dinner, and have a joke. We use it as a time to ask the kids about their days, what shall we do at the weekend etc. I don’t want that to change and I also know there’s a lot of joy to be had when other relatives and friends join us, and the benefit to the kids that this has too.

He sounds about 12 years old! Why do some men think the only way to interact with kids is to wind them up to fever pitch? It's weird and immature.

Have a polite word about how the kids aren't eating properly when he's encouraging them to muck about, and you all need him to be calmer at the table.

If he doesn't like it that's his problem, and he can choose to stay away - his loss!

Exactly this! Your brother is looking at this as a 10-20 minute slot in the day, whereas you may be looking at 3 hour consequences! If your brother says goodbye at the end of the meal, he will have no concept of the fact that dinner was drawn out 40 minutes longer than it should, the kids have not enough eaten, the kids get hangry, they spiral in their silliness and refuse to do what they should be doing, decide at bedtime that they are starving and want to finish their meal, cry because it has been cleared away, insist on something else to eat and can't sleep well because they haven't digested their food and end up ratty the next morning!

A "jester" 😂😂😂

Yes I can see how that link came off as being tenuous. FWIW, the point I was trying to express was that my kids will have to work that bit harder at making sure they eat well and foster a healthy relationship with food. DS has already been flagged for possible growth issues.

Thank you for the suggestion re DH, I can totally see your point and this is something I think I will ask him. DB is less likely to get spiky with him.

I honesty found the hardest bit of parenting was managing the wider family - when to lay down the law and when to accommodate and how not to be undermined by relatives who "knew better" - there quite a few who just roughshod over others.

Ticking and excessive laughing and increased risk of chocking - I'd be absolutely firm on TBH and blunt about.

All the picnic ideas and early tea is to avoid getting in the position where you have to be firm TBH - to avoid big fall out.

I wonder if the allergy stuff made you worried about perhaps you being too anxious and a bit worried about being very firm - and frankly no you are not. Tell him to stop and make in non negotiable.

X -posts there - well good luck and hope you mange to get it stopped without a big fallout.

While I agree with you that his behaviour is annoying, you may give there's little to be gained even if you have the difficult conversation.

As an aunt who encourages my niblings to sit nicely and eat properly at meal times, the fact that I'm a 'boring aunt' at meal times actually has little effect. My niblings are often so excited to have guests/ by whatever occasion I'm there to celebrate, they're bouncing off the walls and too excited to eat much anyway.

I agree though with pp's who have said don't put yourself down. Meal time behaviours are important for everyone, and whether you have (justifiable) anxiety due to their allergies or not, it's entirely reasonable for you to want your kids to learn how to sit and eat properly. And whilst your DB changing his behaviour may have little effect, he should be supporting you as a parent, not undermining you.

I had a wonderful day with my son yesterday. Playing in muddy puddles, drawing together, rolling on the floor, laughing til he almost burst in the bath.

Still managed to sit him down calmly for two meals and three snacks, and keep things chill around bedtime too.

The thing about "super fun" people is that they force all the accountability and "sit up straight" onto the parents. Which is a tiresome dynamic.

when he comes, sit the kids between you and DH. Just say they don't eat when distracted.
Or - i do like the jester suggestion.

What is uptight-adjacent?

If he's not eating meals with your kids very often then it's probably not going to be detrimental to their table manners/eating.
I can see it gives you a lot of anxiety. I guess he's picking up on that and almost trying to tease you and test your boundaries.
If anything it would be better if you just roll your eyes at him and the kids will grow out of him acting this way soon enough.
If you give a big reaction it might well be fuelling him. Childish as it sounds.

If it’s every two months, I’d just let them enjoy the time with their uncle. Just catch them up before bed with a bit of porridge or something. It’ll be nice memories of having a good laugh with their uncle when they are older.

If someone is doing something to, with or around your small kids that you don’t like, you tell them to stop. No ifs, ands or buts. It’s not a debate.

You sound scared of your brother, OP. I get that family dynamics can be complicated, but you’re a grown woman, they’re your kids and it’s your house. Tell him (politely) that you don’t like it and that you need it to stop. I wouldn’t have said conversation at a meal or in front of the kids. If he takes it poorly, that’s on him.

Omg do this OP 🤣

I think that it doesn’t actually matter whether I think you are being “uptight” or not. He is not their parent and he should therefore respect your way of parenting. The allergy thing is very relevant here too.

then its time for the foot to go firmly down. No more visits until he can behave. Setting aside everything else, tickling children or making them laugh uncontrollably when eating is dangerous.

Ooh isn't op uptight?it's just a bit if fun!

Next mumsnet post- i was out at a cafe/restaurant etc and the next tables kids were little shits. Not eating, messing around being silly and annoying. Can't people teach their children to sit and behave properly? If not they shouldn't take them out!! Really ruined my meal 😒