DB’s “fun uncle” behavior during the kids’ meal times

[BadHairForDays]

I’m going to start with a disclaimer; I am strict/uptight-adjacent about the DS (6) and DD (3) eating well, trying new things, and learning good table manners and. I promise, I do try to relax and let things slide from time to time, but it’s definitely a parenting Achilles’ heel of mine.

For further context, both my kids have a number of food allergies which a) they have been hospitalized for in the past and which b) mean there are certain things they cannot eat, and my DH and I are trying to educate them about the food they can have and give them as varied a diet as possible within the constraints we work with.

DB is a great uncle (no kids of his own), loads of fun with the kids and very hands-on. He also really boils my p*ss when it comes to meal times and he’s staying with us.

He’ll constantly distract the kids, trying to make them laugh, tickling them, pretending to be a spider and nick their food, dancing in front of them, cracking jokes. I’d hate to have a silent Victorian style meal-time, and we always chat over dinner, but he literally goes out of his way to distract them from eating. Like, they just don’t eat whenever he’s in this mode.

I have not lost my rag - yet - but I do ask him nicely to let them eat. It also really aggravates DH too but I appreciate that it’s my DB so my responsibility to address this with him.

When I do ask him to let the kids eat, he is visibly annoyed or will smirk and roll his eyes.

At a big family meal over Christmas we were all talking in general about kids and food and their various whimsies and I talked about my anxieties over meal times and how I am trying to ease up and he announced in front of the whole table that I “just needed to make allowances” and “chill out”.

I’d love a bit of advice on what to do. DB is not great at accepting criticism, however light and can be incredibly cutting and unpleasant when he feels “told off” which means I am now anxious about how to deal with this.

YABU - chill out, the kids will be fine
YANBU - you need to find a way of asking him to lay off the comedy routine at meal times.

Stop having him over at mealtimes. Does he ever cook for you?

Just tell him he can’t stay because he refuses to abide by mealtime advice you have given.

I'd take him to one side before meal times and just tell him if he can't eat his meal without acting the clown, he can eat separately. And if he gets the hump about it, tough 🤷🏼‍♀️

There are way too many kids these days who grow unable to sit at the table and eat a civilised meal because their parents aren't firm enough. I'm with you OP.

Thank you for this response. I'd not thought about that way. You're right, if he's going to react however he wants, then there's nothing to lose by calling him out. Ugh family dynamics - does it ever get easier?!

It says in the op that DB is staying with them…

I think at that frequency of visits you are being unreasonable. I thought he might be round a couple of times a week. I can't believe people are suggesting cutting him out of family meals over silly behaviour. He's the kids uncle and clearly brings good stuff to their lives.

I know you are trying and allergies are so stressful but you didn't still sound very anxious and uptight about food and to be so focused on it isn't necessarily good for your kids either.

Take a step back - are they healthy? Generally okay with food? Let the kids have fun.

Let the kids have fun?

What's fun about them not eating their dinner and the inevitable fall out?

There's plenty of time to have fun, just not when they're trying to eat, for goodness sake. If someone tickled me when I'm trying to eat I'd probably bite them.

Every 2 months? then you are being uptight, controlling food/eating leads can lead to eating disorders.

Presumably it is within your power to withdraw the invitations to stay?
He has no automatic right to come and stay with you for several days every couple of months.
I would tell him he can't come and stay until he apologises to you and changes his attitude. It is YOUR children and YOUR house.

You are not being uptight by insisting on teaching your children proper table manners. You are understandably anxious about the allergies, and concerned that they get to eat enough food without choking.

If it was just one meal each time, you could let it go, but if he stays for several days then that is many meals in a row where your children could be under-eating, then getting hangry and wanting snacks later etc. You don't need that stress.

Personally I hate people that dick about at dinner time, providing kids with distractions or tickling and winding them up like spinning tops.
Especially since you have good reasons for wanting a calm, controlled meal time.

They can have their fun before and after the meal surely. He needs to wind his neck in.

I'd stop inviting him over until the children are a bit older.

I'd go the other way - when he comes to stay, just do easy kid meals at their teatime maybe let them have a carpet picnic or go sit in the garden with the food, so it's not a dining table thing.

Then, just eat as adults later. The kids then know the rules for dinner table eating and that when Uncle comes to stay, the picnic meals are a treat with different expectations

Just tell him to knock it off. He'll probably be cutting and sulk but he'll either get over it or die mad. Look at it this way, you are angry now, who would you rather was angry? You, or him? If he moans about it point out that he and his children can leap around the room flinging food, and possibly poop, at each other when he has them, these are your children and they need to learn how to be pleasant meal companions.

Who tickles someone while they are eating? That sounds like an invitation to finding out how to deal with a choking child.

This is a really good idea.

I think he's on a power trip, tbh OP. He knows this winds you up, but he persists and the children are young enough to enjoy it (if anyone tickled me while i was eating i'd probably lamp them 😂) He can play with them at any time, why does it have to be at the table when they're eating? Because it annoys you, that's why.

As others have said, he gets to be 'fun' but doesn't have to deal with the potential fall out - over excited/hungry children. I've always been one for good table manners, albeit relaxed - but buggering about is a no no because of the choking risk, if nothing else.

When he has children he can prat about as much as he likes with them, but these are YOUR children and you decide what's right for them and your family. Never mind he doesn't like being told off, he needs telling very firmly to pack it in and if he can't behave he either doesn't stay, or eats separately. His choice.

What are the happy memories they will recount as adults ? Learning to sit straight, and eat everything in the plate, or, laughing with thier Uncle?

You sound a bit jealous that your brother is more relaxed, whilst you are unable to be anything but uptight.

If he's cutting and unpleasant when criticised, he really isn't a 'fun uncle' at all is he? He is a guest in your home and should follow your rules at mealtimes. I know from experience that mealtimes with children with food issues can be really difficult and he should respect your wishes. Don't invite him any more as he isn't very nice.

I don't think he is genuinely good humoured because he cant take criticism and gets nasty; so he's doing it for another reason.
Does he have a track record of finding ways to piss you off that you 'can't' complain about?

Of course he is more relaxed. He couldn't care less whether the children are eating properly. He can do all those fun things outside of mealtimes.

I have to agree with you.
There is a massive gap between a Victorian style silent meal and what he is doing. The kids need to learnt they can (and must) hold polite conversation at the table, can laugh, share stories and jokes, but must eat properly, and safely and that food is to be treated with respect.

I talked about my anxieties over meal times and how I am trying to ease up and he announced in front of the whole table that I “just needed to make allowances” and “chill out”.

He's partially right, IMO. But by your description, his distracting behaviour at the table isn't good either.

There needs to be a compromise. He's not there every meal, is he?

Maybe have a chat with him away from meal times, and say how much you appreciate that he takes time with then, and obviously loves them. But that if he could just moderate his distraction of them at the table, you'd be grateful.

But you do sound a bit controlling over food and eating. If they're hungry, they'll eat!

"You sound a bit jealous that your brother is more relaxed [...]"

I'm sure a lot of parents are a little jealous of our siblings / extended families and how they get the fun part without having to be bad cop. Of course he gets to be more relaxed.

"[...] whilst you are unable to be anything but uptight."

This feels unfair and unwarranted. Beyond what I've admitted about my take on mealtimes, you have no other idea of how I parent.

If they're hungry, they'll eat!

This is literally untrue as anyone with small children knows. Of course kids can be (easily) distracted from eating even if they're hungry. Then they whine for sweet snacks later

Exactly.