DB’s “fun uncle” behavior during the kids’ meal times

[BadHairForDays]

I’m going to start with a disclaimer; I am strict/uptight-adjacent about the DS (6) and DD (3) eating well, trying new things, and learning good table manners and. I promise, I do try to relax and let things slide from time to time, but it’s definitely a parenting Achilles’ heel of mine.

For further context, both my kids have a number of food allergies which a) they have been hospitalized for in the past and which b) mean there are certain things they cannot eat, and my DH and I are trying to educate them about the food they can have and give them as varied a diet as possible within the constraints we work with.

DB is a great uncle (no kids of his own), loads of fun with the kids and very hands-on. He also really boils my p*ss when it comes to meal times and he’s staying with us.

He’ll constantly distract the kids, trying to make them laugh, tickling them, pretending to be a spider and nick their food, dancing in front of them, cracking jokes. I’d hate to have a silent Victorian style meal-time, and we always chat over dinner, but he literally goes out of his way to distract them from eating. Like, they just don’t eat whenever he’s in this mode.

I have not lost my rag - yet - but I do ask him nicely to let them eat. It also really aggravates DH too but I appreciate that it’s my DB so my responsibility to address this with him.

When I do ask him to let the kids eat, he is visibly annoyed or will smirk and roll his eyes.

At a big family meal over Christmas we were all talking in general about kids and food and their various whimsies and I talked about my anxieties over meal times and how I am trying to ease up and he announced in front of the whole table that I “just needed to make allowances” and “chill out”.

I’d love a bit of advice on what to do. DB is not great at accepting criticism, however light and can be incredibly cutting and unpleasant when he feels “told off” which means I am now anxious about how to deal with this.

YABU - chill out, the kids will be fine
YANBU - you need to find a way of asking him to lay off the comedy routine at meal times.

Do a kids tea and adults dinner later when the kids still join you but they've already eaten.

I would put him in charge of kids' mealtimes and just leave the room. "Right DBro, since you've got everything under control, I'm popping upstairs to have a nice relaxing bath, which is well overdue. Have fun, everyone!"

This but only if he does bedtime as well. And then when that takes forever, and they're hopelessly underslept, he needs to do getting ready for school in the morning. And then the fraught afternoon after being exhausted at school.

all this is a great idea but not really fair to the kids?

@BadHairForDays - you wrote "DB is not great at accepting criticism, however light and can be incredibly cutting and unpleasant when he feels “told off” which means I am now anxious about how to deal with this"

So what? He doesn't like criticism. Who does?

You tell him that if he wants to visit, and it happens to be around the time of the kids meal time, he has to wait for you and the kids in the living room. He doesn't get to come into the room where you're eating. Better yet, he schedules his visits for when you're not going to be eating at all.

If he shows up at your front door and you're about to plate up for the kids, give him two options - come in & wait in the living room or go home and come back later. That's it.

It's actually not a criticism at all. You (as a family) are implementing new rules around mealtimes. This is one of them. If he doesn't like it, he can go home. He gets to spend time with you and the kids when he can follow the rules of your home!

We had a 'fun uncle' who used to tickle us. It became less fun as we got older. If nothing else, get the tickling stopped. Don't normalise it.

Just tell him to tone it down a bit during meal times.

Explain the reasons. Getting kids into good eating patterns is obviously very important to you, so just explain why.

You are not uptight, you have children with food allergies and a history of hospitalisation! Worst case, you are a concerned mother.
What your DB does is self-centered and stupid: I've known adults like this, trying to outfun children themselves and presenting as a cool friend of theirs. I cringe whenever I think about it. So no: YANBU.

Have a serious talk with him, when the children aren’t there and preferably with your DH there supporting you, or even DH giving the main message. Tell him that if/when he has children he can choose how to bring them up, but he should respect your and DH's decisions about how to bring up your children, whether he agrees with you or not.

Tell him the children love him and you really value his input of fun into their lives but you don’t want it at mealtimes. Pre-empt his usual nasty responses by saying something like "I won’t be rude to you if you’re not rude to me." He might not be rude to DH if he gives the message.

Stop having him to stay as often- if he wants to visit, he can stay elsewhere and he can go out for his meals. You're not running a B&B here.

Every two months? Ease up. It’s not the end of world at that frequency. Unless there is a backstory let him bond with your kids.

That's my point... I'm illustrating that db's behaviour has a wider impact than just thar one mealtime.

When young kids skip a meal, the domino effect of shit lasts over 24h.

I've spent many years gently pushing back or ignoring an SiL of mine who was obsessed with telling my two teenage lads all about her drunken endeavours as a youth, offering alcohol at any opportunity, trying to talk to them about girlfriends and generally trying to be 'party aunt' and encourage them to be as wild.
She now has an 18 month old daughter. I joked this Christmas, at the dining table, about my lads taking cousin out for her first drink - and it was like the ice queen from my SiL end of the table....she properly took me aside afterwards and was not happy about such suggestions.
She has no idea of the dissonance between how she's behaved for the decade I've known her and what she is now saying.

I'm wondering OP if your brother has kids of his own?

Thank you everyone, truly. I forgot to add, we do try to feed the kids separately when he comes (also so the grown-ups can eat at a more sociable time) but he’ll pull up a chair, or do some weird brass band entrance.

Next time he comes I’m going to have a quiet “easy-breezy” word about it and weather whatever storm may or may not follow, and I may very well borrow some of the lines suggested. If that doesn’t work, I will ask DH to have a word.

What this thread has made clear is that this is all indicative of deeper issues I have with his behavior, and I agree that a good way of addressing this is to just say something.

Our DM died when we were small and DF passed away 18 months ago and I’m very conscious about not pushing him away. But it’s also tiring treading on eggshells.

In the meantime, I will try to let other smaller things go too.

My brother was once tickled too much and he wet himself.

I can recall the sudden change of atmosphere even now fifty years later.

This is the reason that I have personally never tickled a child

This is v resonant of what @FindusMakesPancakes said.
No he's no kids of his own and has been single for a while.

This: your house your rules. Stop inviting him over. And tell him you don’t enjoy being turned into his straight woman and foil over food issues with two kids with allergies.

When you are feeding the DC try and send him out on an important errand.

Need wine/booze/essential ingredient.

@BadHairForDays - you wrote "Next time he comes I’m going to have a quiet “easy-breezy” word about it and weather whatever storm may or may not follow"

Why wait until the next time? I'd tell him before he books his next visit - so he can make the decision to either stay where he is (not at yours) or agree to follow your house rules and come for a visit. It will be his choice and if he doesn't follow the house rules, then you get your DH to kick him out!

My daughter had an anaphylactic shock aged three

If anyone minimizes allergies I explain in great detail exactly what happened and what the doctors at the hospital said may happen if she had an other one

I'd tell this to your db in private and tell him to pipe the fuck down at dinner time

You don't sound very good at taking criticism either. You said yourself you need to ease up and then got offended when he agreed with you!

Did you point out the dissonance? Over the years of ‘gently pushing back or ignoring’ did you ever take her to one side and clearly state you were unhappy with her suggestions?

She now has an 18 month old daughter. I joked this Christmas, at the dining table, about my lads taking cousin out for her first drink - and it was like the ice queen from my SiL end of the table....she properly took me aside afterwards and was not happy about such suggestions.
She has no idea of the dissonance between how she's behaved for the decade I've known her and what she is now saying.

IL used to facilitate DH and his best mate growing up under age drinking - they were fun parents. Best mate had kids well before DH and rapidly changed his view as kid got older looking bad with horror.

DH struggled more with the no wanting GC to use kettle or go out by themselves or be left in house by themselves -at much older ages than he was.

Perceptions change with age and own kids and often people don't want to examine that - I would have personally pointed out though your comment was tame in compassion to what she said prior - but then I've been doing that with IL for years now.

I have also told my brother that my sons will be ready providers of alcohol +/- inappropriate boyfriends when his daughter hits her teen years.

As he also has the philosophy of 'never saying no' to her, she is going to run rings around him. I love him to bits, but I am looking forward to him trying to start saying no when she gets to her teens. 🤣

That is absolute nonsense