To not want to pay this much for a hen do

[Brooomhilda]

A family member is having a hen do. It's at a friends house and is cocktail themed. They have asked for a £50 contribution per head. I'm pregnant and won't be able to drink. I'd love to go and celebrate but £50 is steep considering all I'll be able to have is the nibbles. But I feel a bit cheeky/stingey asking for a discount. What would you do?

Many of the things MN finds tacky I think are okay under the right circumstances, but I'd be annoyed by someone requesting money for drinks and nibbles. You can ask people to bring something to contribute—even have a sign-up sheet type thing to be sure the essentials are covered—but that's a lot of money for a single night visiting at a friend's house. I'd either tell them I was contributing less or just not go at all.

You can nit pick and say you won’t be drinking anything but where does it end?? Some of the other girls might be driving and limit themselves to one glass of Prosecco. Auntie Sue may be teetotal, the brides Nan might have a sip of fizz to make a toast. But Lucy, Clare and Jane might have an afternoon off from the kids and plan to fill their boots. You can’t charge people different amounts.

My guess is a large part of the £50 is for hen party tat, sashes, masks, badges, cardboard cutouts - that sort of high jinx.

Do you think they’re perhaps having someone in to teach making cocktails? My friend had that, they did no tails for the non drinking people, it was fab! But yes either way I’d ask

£50 is very cheap by hen party standards! It’s not just about what you get from it, it’s about facilitating a nice time for the bride. That money is probably also for decorations, games, activities and themed stuff YABU

I would just not go and keep things simple. I guess it depends on how tough your budget is. It’s not like you’ll be having a really fun time while pregnant anyway - surely you’d rather be snuggled at home. Why don’t you just take her out for lunch instead.

Agree 100% and I think that it’s an honour to be able to share these memories with someone. I think either money is an issue for you or you’re not that close.

Don't go.

Do they know you are pregnant? If so can you check whether there will be a range of non alcoholic drinks and that the nibbles won't just be fancy cheeses etc which you may not be able to eat

This 100 per cent - i say there is a few things added to that
I had 40 people for my big birthday bash in my house and it cost 1k all together that was for catered food, drinks supplied decorations and birthday cake
You need to find out exactly what it covers, For waht its worth my cousin had her hen party at someone's house, it was described as cocktails, nibbles and music and we contributed to that. What it was actually was a fab heated marquee in the back garden, dj playing music with games and a cocktail making bar tender, it was great crack.

well in that case there's no need for OP to post, is there? If she doesn't want to go at all she can just politely refuse.
So don't really see the point of your comment as it's irrelevant to what OP is asking?

We don’t know if caterers and a bar plus staff are involved though do we??

I had a party for about 40 at our house for Christmas obviously on us - the catering (a food van) cost about £1k. We didn’t mind paying for guests but caterers/ pop up bars cost money.

If they are heading down the supermarket for booze and nibbles and charging £50 then that’s taking the piss.

That is why we need clarification on what the £50 covers - otherwise we can’t judge!

They could well be hiring a marquee- it’s hard to fit 30 in a house…

Offer less, simple. Will they be supplying soft drinks/mocktails for you?

Perhaps message the organiser and say you're pregnant so not drinking and you just wondered what exactly was planned in case it's not really suitable for you.

This is what I would do.

Not for cocktails. With cocktails it doesn't work on a per-drink basis as certain ingredients need to be bought regardless of whether the whole thing is drunk. You aren't buying individual drinks for everyone - you're buying a bulk bar of drinks that will barely change in price if it's 31 versus 30 people.

I think we all need to know what the actual plan is for that £50. Yes in a bar they charge practically the same for a mocktail or a cocktail. But if I’m making a friend a mocktail at home I won’t be wasting money on alcohol free gin that hardly anybody wants.

If it’s £50 each and Janice pops down to Asda for a couple of bottle of Spirits and a few bags of Sensations sweet chili crisps that’s a rip off. If it features the hire of a bar and cocktail shaking barman, a catered buffet, and a DJ, then £50 is a bargain and you would get your moneys worth even without alcohol.

I think it sounds fine.

You’d pay that for three cocktails in London.

Id rather that preggers than abroad or overnight in UK for hundreds of pounds.

Yes but it isn’t 3 cocktails in London. Well, I suppose it could be someone’s house in London. But you know what I mean.

but again we just need to know what is included! I’ve never heard somebody ask for £50 and not give any information at all:

I'd just message back and say something along the lines of "Thanks for the invitation but, as I'm pregnant I'm not going to be able to take part in a cocktail party, so I'll see you all at the wedding. Looking forward to it." Then leave it at that.
If they really want your company, they can say something along the lines of pop in anyway, even if it's for an hour. We'd love to see you, but understand you can't drink at the moment.

I wouldn't be paying £50 for cocktails round at someone's house, pregnant or not.

There is no way 31 people are close enough to the bride to want to pay that, so it’s inevitable that at some point the cost will rise. I’d get in early and decline now.

Why don't you ask what it covers, then you'll have a clue what to offer

That’s a terrible way to look at it, I’m sure they’re not profiting from it. Offering to host a hen do in your home for 31 will be a huge amount of effort. It’s a really generous thing to do. That’s 31 champagne flutes to wash-up, different cocktail glasses, crockery, making sure the house and garden are epic and span. I hosted for 42 recently for a family party and it nearly killed me.

I would be so keen for a breakdown to find out how on Earth a few cocktails/nibbles/decorations are costing £50 a head! How many people are going?! It’s really costing hundreds?!

• Sorry, edited to say I just saw your post where you said 31 people and it’s costing £1.5k…I don’t understand how a house party can cost so much but maybe I’m just out of touch 🤣🙈

@CandyCane457 i think it could easily cost that much tbh! It usually costs me at least £200 just to host a dinner party for two other couples. Add the special occasion element on top I think it would easily be around that