To think DP is being selfish

[kiana2015]

We've just moved home, I would like to get a couple of bits for the house, new rug, curtains etc, the bits I've picked doesn't amount to more than £200. I was about to buy and my DP insisted I wait until payday which is 2 weeks away, baring in mind he had just spend 400 on a new gaming set up and spends about 200 every 2 weeks on pints after work.
Aibu to think he's being selfish

So, he pisses his money up the wall, buys gaming consoles like a little boy, nabs money off you every month, has no interest in buying anything nice for the house? Tell me, OP, when does he leave 6th Form?

But it's Her choice!

Why are you complaining then, @kiana2015 ?

Yes he is selfish, but why wouldn't he be? This is his norm!

You don't split bills if you pay all the food. It doesn't sound like you have equal amounts of down time or an equitable split of the chores. Your DP isn't helping by doing household jobs (and he isn't babysitting when he looks after his own child).

It's not controlling (who told you it is?) to want your DP to live withing his budget and take on some of the household responsibility. It sounds like you are getting a hell of a lot more than you deserve and you've been conditioned by him to think the tiny scraps he gives you is more than most...

In which case, I'm not sure what you want people to say. You posted because you thought the money situation wasn't fair, but when people have agreed that it isn't, you are getting cross and defending your DP.

You are enabling him to be a selfish idiot.
You just hand the money over every month & say you "aren't controlling."
But he is royally taking the piss.
You could be saving for a holiday/new car/ deposit for mortgage/ to help your child later in life, or just make your living environment nicer for yourself & child. But No. You hand it to him to waste.

Then maybe he would learn not to spend £400 on games.

And why on earth have you moved into a new home with him (or jointly purchased one if it’s not a rental)?

The person who will have to give him money when he’s broke from spending £800 on booze and gaming (while not contributing to food for his family and forbidding you from decorating his home). That’s who you are.

I’ve read all your comments and I’m starting to think this is a windup. If it’s not, and a woman who is this level of doormat genuinely exists, I’d be quite scared.

By nothing do you mean no beer money?

Only it sounds like he would still have a nice home, food and his children clothed and cared for.

Hardly nothing is it.

Yet he makes you feel bad if you don’t enable his drinking?

I think it’s fake. Nobody is this thick.

‘We’re a team’ and ‘I’m not controlling’ jumped the shark for me.

OP, from what I understand from your posts, is that he will run out of money to do fun stuff (pub after work, new games) before the end of the month and look to you to sub him. But if you have spent YOUR money, that you have budgeted for, from your earnings, on nice things for the house that everyone benefits from, then you can't sub him for beer money, can you? And nor should you feel you have to. And then he would need to learn to budget his expenditure so he doesn't run out of money half way through the month. What would be wrong with that?

Is this a wind up post?

You have moaned he wouldn't let you buy the items you wanted for the house, which was out of your money but you are happy for him to spend his money on whatever he wants because you aren't controlling. Don't you see that he is controlling you? Do you think that is fair?

If all the bills are covered and he runs out of money you bail him out because 'its not nice' to leave him with nothing. Why are you paying for his leisure activities? If he runs out it is not essential he goes to the pub, that is a him problem not a you problem.

The food bill. Why is he not paying this? Why are you letting him get away with this, as others say it is you basically paying for his other child and you are rightly upset he isn't contributing to your family. You are enabling this though.

If this is all real you need to make sure he pays his fair share of all the bills and then stop giving him money. If he whines about it, tough luck, tell him you have put it in savings and cannot touch it

How about you start with telling yourself: I am responsible for me and my child, not for my partner, because be is an adult.
I won’t bail him out at the end of the month. He can be as grumpy as he likes.
Step 2, he will start paying half of the food bill, because he is an adult and the food is for him and his child.

OP, it’s in your hands. Stop being a constant people pleaser who shuts up the moment the other person gets grumpy. Let him get grumpy. You are upset too and have reasons to.

Ah this is sad because I bet you think that you're helping him out of love and that he will love you back.
He will not respect you for being such a pushover. He will likely end up resenting you for having so little self respect. Pushing and pushing to find your non-existent boundaries.

Because he can’t afford it for a start

Come on now! Yes, money and material goods are not the be all and end all. But this is not about money is it? It is about irresponsible behaviour and you enabling it by bailing him out. Unless you have a massive reset in your relationship, this does not bode well for the future.

OP: I think my DP is being selfish
Mumsnet: Yes you’re right he is.

OP: actually it’s fine because he sometimes spends time with his own child and if I don’t continue bailing him out financially each month then he gets grumpy 🤦‍♀️

seriously OP if you’re not winding us up then I’m very worried about how deep in denial you are about how unfair this relationship is.
He needs to be an actual team member if he wants to be in a team which means pulling his weight financially, with his child and house.

Wait.....what?

You says he's a good dad and helps more than most men, yet you have no time to eat or even wash your hair?

I gotta say, I had 3 kids under 3, a DH who worked 12 hour days 6 days a week and he ALWAYS made sure I had time to eat and shower when he was home. He would go without sleep after getting home from a nightshift to ensure I could get a nice bath, he would come home with breakfast for me.

You don't have a good partner OP, you have a selfish man-child living in your home.

@kiana2015 When your daughter is an adult, what would you think if she came to you and said the following -

Mum, I want to buy curtains & rugs out of the money I've saved up to make the new house nice & cosy for us.
But Jonny says I have to wait for payday.

Why is that DD if you already have the money?

Well he goes to the pub & games and runs out of money and then wants mine so he can keep going to the pub with his mates. I don't go out drinking & waste mine so have a bit left over & he knows this.

But he's a good dad. He always says bye bye to dd on his way out to the pub & tells her nicely to be quiet when he's gaming. He even cooks dinner once a month. I always clear up though because I can't expect him to do that as well.

Seriously, would you want this for your DD? Because that's what you are showing her is ok.

As others have said put the bills together and add a bit for household expenses like curtains (it's his home too) then split the lot down the middle. Whatever you each have left is yours to spend as you choose.
If you are going to the use the argument that he pays maintenance for his child then add that in too and then split the total (at least that way you'll get something towards food shopping and his beers at home!!)
I agree you can't dictate what he can and can't do but don't facilitate his gaming and nights outs to your detriment. In other words don't give him any money - what's yours is yours and his is his own. Start being selfish OP - he has no problem doing it!

It's not controlling to not bail him our financially and facilitate all of his drinking. Arguably it's a bit controlling of him to stop you spending your own money on things for your home so he doesn't have to adjust his activities to his budget. I mean this really kindly, but are some of the things you are saying things that he has said when you have tried to talk to him about this in the past? Has he told that it's controlling if he doesn't get to have complete freedom? Has he been telling you he does more than other men and that you should be grateful? Because it doesn't sound like this is true.

I get that you just posted in frustration because you couldn't do what you wanted with your money and that the unanimous response has been about how unacceptable his behaviour has been which must have come as a bit of a shock. But the thing is, he has all the reason in the world to con you into thinking that this is how things should be. These random women on the internet with all kinds of different life experiences have no skin in the game at all, no reason to take the time to tell you this isn't OK. Except the hope that if you were our mum, sister, friend etc someone would help you see what's going on here isn't great. If you love him, you are well within your rights to ask for change, supported by a counsellor to facilitate communication if that helps. If you stay the way you are, this is what your kids grow up thinking a marriage is.

All my relationships have relatively been the same so if there's no cheating, why would I leave

Because you deserve to be in a relationship with an actual adult, rather than a man child who needs mummy to bail him out when he overspends his pocket money, @kiana2015.

@Shelby2010 yes but we have had this argument over and over about him spending more time with us and I'll give it to him since the last time we argued about it, he does spend all day on his day off with us then goes to play in the evening. No he only ever has the two but if I had to leave her with him I wouldn't want him drinking anything