To think DP is being selfish

[kiana2015]

We've just moved home, I would like to get a couple of bits for the house, new rug, curtains etc, the bits I've picked doesn't amount to more than £200. I was about to buy and my DP insisted I wait until payday which is 2 weeks away, baring in mind he had just spend 400 on a new gaming set up and spends about 200 every 2 weeks on pints after work.
Aibu to think he's being selfish

Lots of alcoholics can go for brief periods of time without a single drink

If you’re sharing a house, bills and a child together and you earn roughly the same amount each month then why not work out what all your joint outgoings come to, and pay half each. Whatever you’re both left with after that is your own disposable income to do whatever you want with.

His money he pays for his other child should come out of his disposable income, you shouldn’t be paying for all the food shopping because he pays that.

Kiana you need to find a back bone and stop babying this man

Are you afraid of losing him?

What Does he bring to your life? I guess he must be good in bed 😂

Try and raise the bar next time

@kiana2015 "meanwhile he gives his ex money regularly for their DC"

Hmm. You might have listened to me here. You think he shouldn't?

Seems like you're happy playing mummy to him, maybe it makes you feel needed or something, but it's a seriously unhealthy dynamic.

You’re the person who is massively impacted by it, in having to pick up joint tasks like evening housework and childcare, and who is having to pay for these drinks and the gaming equipment.

Becoming 'grumpy' to avoid having a difficult conversation is tactic number one in the Abusers' Handbook I'm afraid.

But it sounds like you’re happy to be his doormat, whilst biting back at all the posters trying to help you, so crack on.

You sound like no one ever really considered you and your feelings ? That you always place yourself and your needs last ? That you don't know how to have a fair sharing relationship ?

It's not controlling to refuse to bail him out.

He can cut back on drinking, and sell his console.

You are being used here.

Plus he has an alcohol problem if he's drinking every night.

Google adult children of alcoholics to see what you're doing to your child by staying. I'm that child too. My dad started with a couple every night. It gets worse.

What a low bar you have your partner, yourself and by extension your DC.

Bailing him out to because he spends all his money going to the pub then having to cover food for the household too... Why live like that?

And then what would happen?

It's up to you if you want to live with someone who is using you as a cash cow and easy shag or if you want something more from life

Why are you with such a loser? He goes to the pub daily, spends loads of time gaming while you don't even have time to wash your hair, relies on you to bail him out MONTHLY because he's pissed away all his spare money, he doesn't clean but you seem to think he's fine because "he helps more than most men would"?

He's a waste of space and a leech. If he stopped going to the pub every night he'd have enough money to support both his children without you bailing him out. You're being a mug and he's using you.

I think people are suggesting he should be spending more of that time with you and your DC. Also doing more of the housework & childcare so you have an equal amount of time to relax or see friends.

Does he drink an amount where you wouldn’t be comfortable leaving DC in his care for the evening?

Definitely never marry this guy.

It's his decision to spend loads on beers after work, or whatever.

It's yours to bail him out most months if he chooses to do so. You can stop doing that.

In answer to your original question; buy the rug etc. Then when he runs out of money, he’s run out of money. Not your problem.

I would also check how much he is sending to his ex. I suspect it’s less than you spend on food & things for DC - especially if you are also giving him money each month. Does he pay this back to you?

OP - personally I think if you share a life you should share a budget. You mentioned you are not controlling - but I don’t think it’s about control it’s about respect and working together. If he spends more than he has on non essentials and then asks you to bail him out he not showing you respect and not working as a team

edited to ask if you’re married? I’m assuming not but want to clarify

edited again - to say buy the bits you want. I wouldn’t let a partner (husband or not) to dictate what I can or can not buy so I can have enough money left to bail them out.

You're clearly happy with your situation. If you want the household items and can afford it, then buy them. If he runs out of money, then maybe he needs to improve his money management skills. The only way he can achieve that is if you don't facilitate or bail him out.

Your bar is so low you must be constantly tripping over it.

And your DC will grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable

You could manage without him and you're choosing not to

I have no words...

But when do you get this amount down time? Why do you get to go out, see your mates, go the gym, do your hobbies or just do anything for yourself.

You said you both work, and bring in similar amounts of money but it sounds like you're also doing all the cleaning, most the childcare and most of the cooking?! This is insane, why do you have to do another full time job on top of your full job? Plus pay for all the food and stuff for your DD. The money he sends for his other child has nothing to do with your money as a couple, it essentially doesn't exist. He should send the money to his child and still contribute equally to bills, rent, food and stuff for DD.

The level of inequality in your relationship is astounding! Not getting your curtains and rug till payday is the least of your problems.

Either this is fake or you're monumentally stupid

Not very nice

Grow up!

The whole relationship sounds dysfunctional.

Because your DC should be more important to you than him