To think DP is being selfish

[kiana2015]

We've just moved home, I would like to get a couple of bits for the house, new rug, curtains etc, the bits I've picked doesn't amount to more than £200. I was about to buy and my DP insisted I wait until payday which is 2 weeks away, baring in mind he had just spend 400 on a new gaming set up and spends about 200 every 2 weeks on pints after work.
Aibu to think he's being selfish

I would also be tempted to stop bailing him out. I expect he factors you bailing him out into his spending. So I would “extend grace” and not start it until the next payday, but I would say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry but I’m not going to have any extra funds this month as I’m buying a few bits for the house”.

Next month, “I’m sorry but I’m not going to have any extra cash to sub you this month as I’ve promised DC a trip to the zoo and it’s going to be quite pricey”.

The next month, “….I need to get my hair done”.

Every month warn him that you can’t bail him out. Eventually he will understand he needs to manage his money.

You shouldn’t need to resort to these tactics but it will be lower conflict than that stopping without having an “excuse” in place.

So let's get this straight - your "partner" contributes nothing towards the food he eats, nor pays for anything for your child together. He spends £100 per week on drinking, but you have no problem with this, because "why shouldn't he unwind". He spends so much on drinking and gaming that, not only can he not contribute to normal life expenses but also you have to lend him money. And yet you refuse to not bail him out because "then he'd have nothing" and that wouldn't be fair.

OK.

I don't understand why you've posted.... Either you're pissed off with your "partner" and want him to grow the fuck up, start contributing and acting like an actual adult / father / partner.

Or you are happy to continue mollycoddling him, paying for him and letting him drink himself into an early grave.

To be honest, from reading your numerous posts, it seems like the latter. You won't accept any criticism of him so in that case, we'll have to leave you to get on with things as you don't actually seem to want any help.

It baffles me why some women set their bar so low, but if you're not unhappy or angry then it sounds like you just want to get on with your situation. It wouldn't be for me, but then it takes all kinds.

To be completely honest it's mainly my fault, if I asked him to help with money he would
'help' again. He shouldn't be helping. You say you're a team. Team members pull their weight and do their share, not help.

Can you promise you won't marry him? Do you understand what would happen to do if you do?

Does he pay you back when you "bail him out"?

Yet you say he's a good dad. FFS.

Please stop giving him money. He can learn to budget, like you do. He refuses to, because he sees you as a cash cow and doesn't respect you.

Imagine this was your best friend telling you this - read through your comments like you were hearing it for the first time - what would you tell your friend?

It is not your fault that he is bad with money !

Is he gaslighting you as well?

Well we are engaged but have no plans to marry in the near future. To be honest I have thought many times what life would be like without him and I've chosen to stay as I think it's better than being a single mum and struggling

I seem to have missed the bit where you explain how he is a good dad to both his children @kiana2015 When does he fit in time between work, drinking and gaming to be a parent?

@Snoken

I don’t think they can afford to marry

Unless he's buying drinks in a London nightclub, having two beers a night does not add up to £100 a week.

This man just uses you. It's so sad that you cannot see it. You're his live in housekeeper and nanny. I hope one day soon you will wake-up.

So you are not struggling at the moment ? Despite effectively being a single mum; despite have so little self esteem ? Despite struggling to get a haircut if I remember correctly ? But that's not struggling ?

My experience was that Being a single mum outside of a bad relationship is miles better than being in a bad relationship

I think this sums it up, and its sad to read. You are not silly, you get it. The relationship is not great, it really isn't but you have decided to settle for this because a) he hasn't cheated and b) keeping your family together is more important. It doesn't matter what anyone says. I know I'm wasting energy even typing this but I'm going to do it anyway. I sincerely hope that one day you decide otherwise, that you realise that you are worth more, that relationships should not be about settling for less than you deserve, ideally before your DD grows up watching you and repeats the pattern - which she will, and frankly that you raise the bar. Maybe do a search on the number of children who had miserable childhoods because a parent prioritised keeping an unhappy home together.

Well if you already do this who is to blame here? Why are you asking for advice, you're enabling it.

how does he help more than most men, if he doesn't clean, cooks only on his days off, doesn't pay for his DC, spends his money on drinking and needs you to bail him out regularly?

It's so unfair that your money is supposed to be all shared but his is all for him, he has so much more free time than you and so much money for fun while you have none. You could be saving 100s a month for your dd, for a rainy day, for your retirement, for a down payment. But not if he's going to drink it all and game it all away. Really sad for you and your dd.

Don't prop him up.

His money is his money. If he can afford a £400 gaming system 3 weeks after Christmas, he can learn how to budget.

Having you there as a financial crutch every month isn't helping him.

My honest advice would be to find somewhere else to live that doesn't include him. By all means stay together in the relationship if you want to but don't live with him. Let him grow up and whatever you do, don't fall pregnant and don't give him any more money!

"he hasn't cheated" is a very low bar

Oh op, this is really really sad.

It is clear you value yourself right at the bottom of the heap.

I understand this is all you know.

But can you change it for your daughter?

Mothers and fathers are EQUAL. Equally entitled to downtime, equally responsible for their children. I imagine it's the case in your house where you might have finished work and have started on tea etc for your dd whilst he is in the pub as 'why would you deny him that?' Is there any day this is reversed? You're out doing whatever makes you happy whilst he's at home sorting everything out? Because it should be happening 50/50. Why wouldn't it?

You probably will be able to afford it on your own as he will pay you maintenance and the government is actually (I think) pretty generous in that a situation. Look in to it, you might be surprised.

Being single is a billion times better than valuing yourself so low.

You would be a normal person. There is some thing very wrong if he drinks everyday.

What does he do when his other DC comes to stay? Do you have to help fund stuff for them too?

Why are you living with him ? He is scared there is no money for what he wants.But the stuff @kiana2015 . Infact id bin him and buy whatever I liked .