Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

[greyA]

Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

Wow what a horrible post and complete ‘whatabouttery’. He didn’t die, he’s well enough to do the things he wants to. And it’s a very dangerous road to go down thinking ‘well what if he wasn’t here’ - that can easily lead to a woman realising it wouldn’t make much difference to her if she already does everything anyway.

People die from sepsis but they also make full recoveries.

Has your husband been tested for chronic fatigue syndrome, op? That can be a post sepsis complication and would maybe explain why he's so exhausted still.

Well said

Im not a sahm. Youre embarrassing yourself now. I work full time. As does my dh. We do equal housework and he does all cooking. I am also not default parent when children have been ill. When dh has been on extended periods of not working, including his extended paternal leave long before it was in option in england, he did the vast majority of the housework. Because he is an equal adult and not incompetent.

op’s husband is lazy. Why try so hard to argue he isnt?

If he wants to be a SAHO he needs to be a SAHO with all that encompasses. So it’s a case of does he want £500 in his account or does he want you to use that for people who will pick up the slack he leaves by not doing anything?

I think he needs to understand that, actually, if he carries on as he is, you are better off lone parenting so he can step up, or step out.

make it clear you love and care about him, but loving and caring about you should be something he is doing enough to consider the negative impact this situation is having on you.

Then, back off… don’t pick up the slack… if the baby cry’s and you are working, take baby to his dad and say ‘I can’t right now, I am working’ and walk away. Don’t cook, wash or any of that and if you have to do yours and the kids. If he continues not to contribute then use his £500 a month for a cleaner.

You will get what you allow!!!

I had a brain haemorrhage just as we got married and was medically retired from work as a result. I look like a normal human being but have been left with many artifacts of the brain haemorrhage that most people wouldn’t see. Memory, fatigue, concentration are all knackered. My wife goes to work and earns a very good living, I still receive half pay as sick pay from work, despite this happening 14 years ago (insurance) The point being, it is my job to run the house and be a stay at home parent (youngest is a special needs 15 year old) I still find it hard now, at 7 months, there is no way I could have done what the OP is expecting. She needs to put herself in the shoes of her husband. He’s lost his career, his sense of self his livelihood. It’s not easy going from being a working person to a resented disabled person with no warning!!!! Give him time to come to terms with what has changed, he needs to physically recover but also mentally recover he needs to learn to love the new him and you need to learn to recognise his limitations

Your update changes things a lot OP.

I would stop the £500 spending money & put the children in nursery or get a childminder.

This situation is unsustainable and if you're not careful you'll get to the end of your tether, split and he will claim he is primary carer along with 70% of your assets as SAHP.

Whereas he is actually doing the sum of fuck all around the house and taking liberties.

What's happened to the £25k? Has it gone into the mortgage or is it in an account he is using for personal spends? It is a joint asset.

Ultimately, if you are down a whole income, you need to rebalance your finances and it won't be possible for either of you to have £500 a month each by the sound of it. If he is too unwell to do anything at all and you are working FT on top albeit from home and juggling a fair bit around the edges [plus potentially putting your employment at risk] then you also need to factor in some wrap around care / cleaner or similar to take some of the pressure off.

I would accompany him to a health check up. He's either fit to work or not. If he wants to be a SAHD then get back into the office and leave him to it but put it in writing that it's for a trial period of 6 months so he can't claim there was a mutual agreement that he would become one, and that in the event of a divorce he'd be the default RP. For most of us the reality of being at home 100% with most of the household tasks to manage is significantly different to the rose tinted view we might have of quality time with the kids.

If he's not fit to work then he should have a medical assessment to allow for some sort of state assistance.

Theres a whole lot of people missing that this 'medical retirement' isn't really an indicator he is genuinely unable to do a thing.

Yes, some places a proper medical retirement means you're really fucking unwell and seriously disabled.

And in others it means you fuck off neatly out of the way and don't cause the employer any more trouble and can spend the next 50 years racing motorcars, running a landscaping company, building houses, and generally enjoying yourself *... you just can't do X very very specific job any more.

*Obviously, not a made up example, someone I've known all my life who has very much enjoyed their 'medical retirement' at the age of 30.

Exactly and if he finds himself single and trying to claim disability benefits I suspect they will laugh in his face. His attitude as much as anything suggests shyster rather than a sick person who is really struggling to recover from a serious illness. HE HAS A HISTORY, PRE SEPSIS, OF SWERVING HOUSEWORK. He's a lazy cunt on the home front and always has been.

The baby will get 15 and then 30 free hours at nursery soon. Get them enrolled and set out the expectations at that point. Is he wants to be a SAHD, that means taking on those tasks during work hours and being the primary parent too eg school admin.
Or he goes back to work.

How old is he? What is his long term prognosis health wise? Are there terms legally as to when he can work again. Because the £25k payout sounds a lot but it isn't, in that it's less than a years salary for many. So it sounds like he's taking the piss, doing nothing round the house, with no intent to return to work. That's just not ok. Say he's 30 or 40, he's got 40 or 30 years of work left, till 70. Is he a flake and planning on stretching it out that long as a pisstake?

You did read her post right? In its entirety and not picked up on the bits that suit your narrative?
He is healthy he is fine. He has £500 play money each month doing DIY and other such things that HE likes to do.

She works she cooks cleans looks after the kids.

So. Are you the husband?

This calls for some serious adult/adult, non-emotive discussion and life replanning. I note you 'expect' DH to do this; have you agreed a new plan? I have experienced both roles - Go-Away-Dad (military) and SAHD with 2 children under 2 yr, but my time as SAHD was planned and agreed beforehand. Men are (generally) notoriously bad at expressing emotions and at running the house/family day in, day out to DW's standards, particularly when this was not part of their original game plan. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and you were the one fallen severely ill and pronounced medically unfit to work at your chosen career path? What emotions would you be coping with internally? What encouragement would you want to help you? If you cannot work a new routine out between you then I suggest some form of professional mediation - an accredited coach who works with families might be a good place to start. AYBU? Probably, but we only see one side of this story.......

He hasn't been pronounced unfit to work. He is trying to swing it that way because he doesn't like his job, & they are making redundancies

"Resd the story" i can't emphasise this enough. He isn't unwell. He took medical retirement due to it being a better package.

She wanted a bath. He didn't like the fact that she did this whilst leaving him to clear up. I'm assuming this is from food she cooked. Please read the original post.

"LostTheMarble · 02/02/2025 09:35
Wow what a horrible post and complete ‘whatabouttery’. He didn’t die, he’s well enough to do the things he wants to. And it’s a very dangerous road to go down thinking ‘well what if he wasn’t here’ - that can easily lead to a woman realising it wouldn’t make much difference to her if she already does everything anyway."

Thanks LostTheMarble for your valuable insight.

Did YOUR partner die unexpectedly and though no fault of either of you?

No?

Do you have any idea how this might feel? Emotionally and financially?

No?

Did you have sepsis (or any other life threatening health condition) and a prolonged recovery?

No?

Reality can be horrible yes. Sometimes life throws a curveball and you may need to change your expectations. My advice OP is to take professional advice on what you can expect of DH.

Count your blessings whilst you have them.

OP Take care of yourself and your family, you will find a compromise which works for you all I am sure.

BW

You haven’t actually quoted me correctly but this popped up on my current threads so will reply.

No my spouse didn’t die. They did however have a condition that worsened their executive function over the years. It wasn’t something that is terminal, it can cause mental exhaustion but there is support. However, much like the OPs husband my now ex decided to focus on things that suited him, and wouldn’t engage in any support efforts. Eventually did realise (as I said in my post) that life without them would not only be the same, but easier if we split. Which it is tenfold. The OP’s husband didn’t die either, but he is showing unwillingness to put family needs as a priority now he’s recovering.

Personally I don’t believe in ‘blessings’, the op is looking for practical advice not a lesson in faith.

How come he has recovered from sepsis and is reasonably well as you say?
Yet he is giving up work on medical grounds. We need more info on his state of health before we can advise.
Normally one would expect a stay at home husband to do chores and child care. But if he hasn't fully recovered you need a cleaner . At least the house would be given a good clean once a week. And I am sure he is capable of feeding the kids.
You will make yourself ill the amount you are doing.
Domestic help is required until he is better.
Unless he is milking it.

She says that 1. The employer is looking for a start back date. 2. They are making redundancies. To answer one. He's not committing to a start back date. Says he's not ready. Reason not given. 2. He's taking a medical retirement as the package is better than the redundancy.

That totally depends on whether he's still suffering from fatigue, or has even developed ME/CFS. If the latter, then definitely yes, cooking, washing up etc IS physically tiring. It's physically-wiped-out-can't-stand-another-second-soul-wrecking. A someone who's had a remitting/recurring pain and fatigue illness for 25 years, I've heard the phrase, "You're milking this" FAR too often! It's soul destroying, especially when it comes from someone who claims to love you and understand you, but even when it's from complete strangers (yes, I've even had complete strangers tell me I'm pulling a fast one!) it hurts like hell. Yes, he could be wanting an easy life, but we don't know him and so shouldn't be making such blanket assumptions.

My view is that if all was equal, he most definitely should be doing most of the heavy lifting at home. Even though you WFH, you are working still and bringing home the bacon alone now, and he's not in a paid position. Therefore; he does the housework. However, the caveat here is that he's been very ill and is still recovering, and apparently, is too unwell to return to work. He can't be "fit and healthy" if he's unable to work. There's something else going on that means he's unfit for work. That doesn't mean he gets a free pass from the housework, but he may not be able to do as much a you want him to, or as in-depth as you'd like it to be. Communication and compromise is key. You need to talk to each other, establish what he can and cannot do, and then make a feasible plan of action. If he's been as ill as you say, if could take him a good while to fully recover, and even though he may look well, that doesn't mean he is well. I have a long term pain and fatigue based illness and I rarely LOOK ill, but often can't walk to the kitchen without feeling wrecked afterwards. Taking a shower can mean I need to lie down for an hour afterwards to recover. BUT....I look fine. Some fatigue based conditions, such as ME or CFS can develop after even minor illnesses, and what your husband went through wasn't "minor", so there's a very good chance he's developed something along those lines. If so, you'll need an enormous amount of empathy, understanding and strength to help him. You do need to find out what's going on though, talk to his doctor together maybe, get an idea of how he's feeling. Obviously, if he keeps telling you he's fine, and he's fully recovered, he has no excuse....

I came here to say what these PP have said. He is the main carer for the children so potentially would be the resident parent, I don't know about the divorcing part and that financial commitment, but the child maintenance you would pay him. It is a tricky situation.

Right now your relationship is not working and honest conversations and listening are not happening on both sides. He needs to go back to work. Everything needs to be split. He hasn't used his initiative, he isn't willing when you voice your concerns, so this isn't going to work. In effect he wants early retirement at your expense.

In the meantime, mainly because of my own experience, I would consider documenting everything so that you have evidence for the future incase you did indeed think the relationship has ended. That includes evidence for everything you do for the children. My ex is currently using one text from the one time he actually did night duty as evidence that he did them all (thankfully no one believes him).

Potentially marriage counselling could be beneficial to understand each other and develop communication. It has helped many of my friends.

She has said he's 7 months into recovery. And he's also doing some DIY. I'm sure if he was doing anything to make the load lighter for her she wouldn't be on here saying she is frustrated.
Wfh requires the person to be able to wfh. If she is doing 100% of all home childcare. Then something will break. Asking someone to clear the dishes after you cooked so you can take a bath after doing everything isn't a big ask.
She said he changed after what happened. Understandable. My partner was in icu with septicemia and septic shock almost died. He did what he could once he was well enough. I didn't ask him. He wanted to. When your asking someone to do something to help out and your saying no then going off and doing DIY for a project that you want to do its a bit selfish.
Has he been through a hard time. Of course. So has she. And she has to look after the children