Page 17 | Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

greyA · 2025-01-27T19:54:01+00:00

Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

Mnetcurious · 29/01/2025 17:52

greyA · 29/01/2025 11:59

Thanks everyone for your replies - he really is generally well and medical retirement is just a formality as redundancy was on the cards but they packaged it up a bit nicer (as it’s a better lump sum ) only a call with occupational health was needed to start the ball rolling. Yes he still is fine for sex ( I however am mostly not in the mood due to exhaustion ) he’ll happily run errands like getting his hair cut, grabbing a coffee, visiting his parents etc. Ive had a cleaner for the first 5 months but it become unaffordable and he was doing nothing as I did all bed changes, cleaning in between, washing etc Currently I cover all bills in joint account and separate money for food/ takeaways/ things kids need/ days out in other joint account - we then both have a portion of my earnings divided into our separate account. Husband insists on his own money in personal account so I suggested he could pay for the cleaner out of this if he didn’t want to do it but he refuses saying he doesn’t have enough. Currently he has £500 a month to himself with all bills / food / days out paid for. I’ve gone from having a comfortable disposable income where I could save for the children’s future / holidays / treat us to huge things to getting to the end of the month with £4 left. Long term he has said he doesn’t want to return to work again as isn’t good at job interviews. My resentment is at an all time high.

“He’ll happily run errands like getting his hair cut, grabbing a coffee, visiting his parents etc”

this is not running errands! That’s things like queuing at the post office to send a parcel, paying a cheque in at the bank (old school but you get the idea), taking the children to the dentist, ie things that are necessary. This is being a man of leisure!

Also stop giving him so much money! It’s not a fair division of funds. It makes no sense at all that he has plenty of money for himself each month to spend as he pleases while you’re left with nothing (especially as you’ve earned the money and done a lot of the household/childcare work).

You’re allowing yourself to be taken for a mug - don’t!

MotherOfCats25 · 29/01/2025 17:55

I'd just divorce him. He's lazy and using you.

wombat15 · 29/01/2025 17:58

thepariscrimefiles · 29/01/2025 17:37

OP does all the night wakings and she has mentioned looking after the baby while trying to work from home while her DH is running errands.

You sound as though you think that OP is totally in the wrong when she is absolutely exhausted and at the end of her tether. Surely OP could hire a hotshot lawyer who could make her DH sound awful? Too tired for housework but well up for sex. He sounds pretty awful to most of the posters on here.

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The only proven facts are that he had sepsis and was very ill and that he has been medically retired. He could deny that he is “up for sex” The fact that he can have a coffee, haircut or see parents doesn't demonstrate that he is well either. He could say that he does do his best to do housework on top of doing all the child care even with fatigue but it's not up to OP standards.

Ebeneser · 29/01/2025 18:20

BlackStrayCat · 29/01/2025 13:32

He IS the main carer. (I bet he has proof)
He HAS been signed off for sickness (he will have all sorts of proof)
OP is main earner, he is facillitating her career
He could go after the family home and custody

Yeah, right. He might threaten to but he sounds like a lazy fuck who won’t want the responsibility.

thecherryfox · 29/01/2025 18:44

He’s not just a stay at home parent though, he’s medically retired from work so I would ask is he disabled? At the very least he has some kind of health problem preventing him from going back to work. Unless you experience it, you have no idea how hard it is to tackle everything whilst having health issues. I’m disabled myself (and a single parent) and often end up in tears each day as it’s so overwhelming talking everything whilst dealing with chronic pain and limitations. Your speaking about your husband as if he’s just a sahp but even if he was, it’s hard enough and the other parent thinks that they have to do everything rain and shine

MsVi · 29/01/2025 18:49

greyA · 29/01/2025 11:59

Thanks everyone for your replies - he really is generally well and medical retirement is just a formality as redundancy was on the cards but they packaged it up a bit nicer (as it’s a better lump sum ) only a call with occupational health was needed to start the ball rolling. Yes he still is fine for sex ( I however am mostly not in the mood due to exhaustion ) he’ll happily run errands like getting his hair cut, grabbing a coffee, visiting his parents etc. Ive had a cleaner for the first 5 months but it become unaffordable and he was doing nothing as I did all bed changes, cleaning in between, washing etc Currently I cover all bills in joint account and separate money for food/ takeaways/ things kids need/ days out in other joint account - we then both have a portion of my earnings divided into our separate account. Husband insists on his own money in personal account so I suggested he could pay for the cleaner out of this if he didn’t want to do it but he refuses saying he doesn’t have enough. Currently he has £500 a month to himself with all bills / food / days out paid for. I’ve gone from having a comfortable disposable income where I could save for the children’s future / holidays / treat us to huge things to getting to the end of the month with £4 left. Long term he has said he doesn’t want to return to work again as isn’t good at job interviews. My resentment is at an all time high.

I think you need to cut his personal allowance and pay for a cleaner. If he doesn't like it then tough.

Weegiewarrior · 29/01/2025 20:05

Deleted as I’ve now read all your comments!

LoveLifeBeHappy · 29/01/2025 20:19

Lostcat · 29/01/2025 12:35

This.
Meanwhile if OP were the SAHP pps would be berating her and telling her she’s responsible for everything and can’t expect her DH to help at all. But because he’s a man they are full of excuses and sympathies for his needs

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Is this referring to the OP's DH. Or, are you making a generalised comment here?

Lostcat · 29/01/2025 20:27

LoveLifeBeHappy · 29/01/2025 20:19

Is this referring to the OP's DH. Or, are you making a generalised comment here?

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Both

Theunamedcat · 29/01/2025 20:30

He can't claim to be a sahp with out evidence everytime I go to the dentist I sign my name as their parent so I could prove I'm attending not my ex when I go shopping I use my cash card the children are always seen out with me with me at the Dr's etc etc he has none of that

wombat15 · 29/01/2025 20:36

Theunamedcat · 29/01/2025 20:30

He can't claim to be a sahp with out evidence everytime I go to the dentist I sign my name as their parent so I could prove I'm attending not my ex when I go shopping I use my cash card the children are always seen out with me with me at the Dr's etc etc he has none of that

If OP is working and they are not using childcare it won't be hard to claim he is a SAHP.

Yellowtulipsdancing · 29/01/2025 20:50

Do not give him any money. Make him use his redundancy money.

of course he will not work or do anything if you do it all and fund it, what a nice life!!

I would have separate bank account and a joint one for bills. He has to match what goes into joint account from his 25k and any benefit income.
this gives you time to th8nk what you want long term. And a cleaner comes out of his money.

Snowmanscarf · 29/01/2025 21:51

Sorry, if I read that right, he has £500 to spend on himself and his hobbies, whilst you do all the grunt work. He’s playing you for a fool.

Tiswa · 29/01/2025 21:54

Of course your resentment is at an all time high he can do everything he wants to do and gets you to give him money and so childcare whilst working

the money in particular is a complete cheeky move

R053 · 29/01/2025 22:25

BlackStrayCat · 29/01/2025 17:51

I am saying what a lawyer would say. As I explained upthread.

Lawyers = facts you can prove.

Emotions/feelings do not come in to it.

OP is in a precarious position.

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If the OP keeps a daily diary, recording what she does each day and also what he does, that would help her further down the track if they went down the legal path.

He is also going to struggle to prove he can be a great SAHP after divorce if he is also claiming he is too sick to go to work to earn his own income. Parenting is more physical than many jobs, especially when the children are small. Just putting kids in their car seats is a workout!

MrsPeterHarris · 29/01/2025 22:37

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 29/01/2025 12:11

It sounds like your husband (I won't call him dear, as he's clearly an arsehole!) has decided that he is going to live a life of leisure, even though it's likely to lead to YOUR complete burn out OP, I'm not surprised your 'resentment is at an all time high'.

I think in your shoes, I would sit him down and lay down the law that he either gets another job, or he does ALL of the housework, washing, etc, which is what he would doubtless expect you to do, if he was the one working full time, and you were a SAHM. If he's not prepared to do this, then I'm afraid I'd be booting his lazy arse out, as all he's contributing to your relationship at the present time, is a whole load of stress, and probably more mess for YOU to clean up! How can this possibly be classed as a partnership?

This!

BlackStrayCat · 29/01/2025 22:42

He is also going to struggle to prove he can be a great SAHP after divorce if he is also claiming he is too sick to go to work to earn his own income. Parenting is more physical than many jobs, especially when the children are small. Just putting kids in their car seats is a workout!

How will he struggle to prove it when he is doing it?
That is all the energy he has, he does it.

Your last sentence is eactly what a lawyer will grab with both hands and say he is doing agreat job and OP IBU as he IS the main carer.
Of course she should do caring also.They are her DCs.

This logic is bizarre. All things cannot be true at the same time as not being relevant or good enough.

Mnetcurious · 29/01/2025 23:29

BlackStrayCat · 29/01/2025 22:42

He is also going to struggle to prove he can be a great SAHP after divorce if he is also claiming he is too sick to go to work to earn his own income. Parenting is more physical than many jobs, especially when the children are small. Just putting kids in their car seats is a workout!

How will he struggle to prove it when he is doing it?
That is all the energy he has, he does it.

Your last sentence is eactly what a lawyer will grab with both hands and say he is doing agreat job and OP IBU as he IS the main carer.
Of course she should do caring also.They are her DCs.

This logic is bizarre. All things cannot be true at the same time as not being relevant or good enough.

“Of course she should do caring also.They are her DCs.”
Yes she does, as well as working full time and being the sole earner she’s getting up with the baby at night, doing the cooking, cleaning and bathing the baby. She’s also looking after kids when she’s supposed to be working - “looking after the baby whilst trying to work so he can run errands” - these ‘errands’ turn out to be going out for a coffee or hanging out at his parents house. The baby naps for 4 hours a day whilst the older one is at school and he watches tv! She’s not trying to absolve herself of any parenting duties- she’s doing way more than she should as the sole earner when there’s a stay at home parent in the picture.

Scribblydoo · 30/01/2025 06:13

You've got to force his hand. Stop this your money is mine and my money is mine. It's family money. He no longer gets £500 to himself. Pay for a cleaner with this. Go into the office too, no more parenting while working. Stop sex, you shouldn't be having sex anyway if you would prefer to sleep/ punch him. If he can't have a conversation without being a grumpy arse go to couples counseling so he can learn to communicate like an actual adult. If none of this is ok for him then what is he bringing to this relationship apart from his genitals and extra workload?

thepariscrimefiles · 30/01/2025 06:14

Mnetcurious · 29/01/2025 23:29

“Of course she should do caring also.They are her DCs.”
Yes she does, as well as working full time and being the sole earner she’s getting up with the baby at night, doing the cooking, cleaning and bathing the baby. She’s also looking after kids when she’s supposed to be working - “looking after the baby whilst trying to work so he can run errands” - these ‘errands’ turn out to be going out for a coffee or hanging out at his parents house. The baby naps for 4 hours a day whilst the older one is at school and he watches tv! She’s not trying to absolve herself of any parenting duties- she’s doing way more than she should as the sole earner when there’s a stay at home parent in the picture.

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I completely agree. The logic seems to be that just because her DH is not working, ipso facto he is doing all the childcare when that is clearly not the case. Now OP has revealed that the errands are going out for coffee and socialising with his parents, his behaviour sounds even worse. Why on earth doesn't he take the children to his parents so that OP can work in peace? His declaration that he won't be returning to work in future as he isn't good at interviews is the cherry on top of a very shit cake for OP.

DorothyStorm · 30/01/2025 06:21

thepariscrimefiles · 30/01/2025 06:14

I completely agree. The logic seems to be that just because her DH is not working, ipso facto he is doing all the childcare when that is clearly not the case. Now OP has revealed that the errands are going out for coffee and socialising with his parents, his behaviour sounds even worse. Why on earth doesn't he take the children to his parents so that OP can work in peace? His declaration that he won't be returning to work in future as he isn't good at interviews is the cherry on top of a very shit cake for OP.

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Because if he took the children with him, he would be doing the parenting. That’s not what he wants.

Theunamedcat · 30/01/2025 06:49

wombat15 · 29/01/2025 20:36

If OP is working and they are not using childcare it won't be hard to claim he is a SAHP.

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It will be hard for him to claim this when he is literally never with them

bringbacksideburns · 30/01/2025 08:53

How well do you get on with his parents? Could they pick up some slack/ pay for a cleaner if he refuses to? Have you no family support at all or a friend who could speak to him about how he needs to up his game and support you more?

You need to sit down with him and draw a line. Write down all you are doing and all he does.
Tell him you are feeling exhausted and resentful and something needs to change.

I would definitely lower the amount of money he gets every month ( what is he doing with it all? Is he saving any?) to get a cleaner if he refuses to. If he doesn’t want a cleaner then he needs to clean!! It’s a no brainer and non negotiable. At least that’s one thing you don’t have to do then.

wombat15 · 30/01/2025 08:59

Theunamedcat · 30/01/2025 06:49

It will be hard for him to claim this when he is literally never with them

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I don't think OP has said that he is "literally never with them". She has a full time job so he can say he is looking after them when she is working.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/01/2025 09:21

wombat15 · 30/01/2025 08:59

I don't think OP has said that he is "literally never with them". She has a full time job so he can say he is looking after them when she is working.

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But he leaves the baby with OP when she is working from home and he goes out on 'errands' which OP has explained means going out for coffee and going to see his parents.

If he is supposed to be looking after them when she is working, he should be taking the baby with him to the coffee shop and his parents' house.