Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

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Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

Exactly. He's just living off the OP. He's not a partner. I shudder to think how he treats the kids.

In OP's shoes I would cancel the standing orders into joint accounts. Why should he get pocket money when he is not doing anything to contribute to the household?

Have a meeting ASAP about his lack of responsibility and action. If he balks, initiate divorce. Even if OP has to pay him a bit of support, it won't be forever and she'll be rid of him.

You look at
1.Custody 50/50 EOW etc
2.Family home
3.Assets
4.Ability to support yourself and habitual care of DCs and main income

He IS the main carer. (I bet he has proof)
He HAS been signed off for sickness (he will have all sorts of proof)
OP is main earner, he is facillitating her career
He could go after the family home and custody

It doesn't sound like you would be resentful if he was holding up his end of the bargain but he's not. You are doing everything and he resents even having to clean up after dinner.

I would stop the £500 a month immediately and tell him that it's unreasonable for him to have disposable income whilst you have none.

I think the longer this goes on the worse things will be for you in a divorce I would act whilst there is money from his payout available to negotiate over which might lessen the financial impact on you.

I would also start quietly keeping a diary of the things he does for himself as evidence that he is not too ill to work. I wouldn't given him any clue if you intend to start divorce proceedings, his only "medical" evidence so far seems to be telephone occy health assessment, if he thinks you are stopping the gravy train he'll be at the GP's with a new ailment every bloody week gathering a file of evidence.

Supporting an ill partner is part and parcel of marriage but that is not what is happening here, your husband has turned into a cock lodger. Being rubbish at interviews is not a legitimate reason to remain unemployed if you are also not prepared to shoulder the lions share of the domestic load.

Good luck.

My husband took on most of the domestic chores in our house about three years ago when our working arrangements changed. Then he had an accident and broke his neck.
I would never have expected him to continue with most of the chores while recuperating, but it is only 9/10 months later that he has started getting back to some degree of normality. I still have to help him as it will still be a little while before he can do most again without the pain.

If he has been ill, then yes, yabu, if he is still recovering. Yanbu though if he has made a full recovery but is not wanting to go back to stepping up when neededn.

I dont have much sympathy for him at all I’m afraid.
Several years ago I was in the exact same situation as the OP’s DH, having been diagnosed with chronic fatigue after a nasty illness.
Before anyone feels the need to tell me that CF can be extremely debilitating and render you incapable of doing a lot of things - trust me I absolutely know this to be true, but to see him using it as an excuse to not pull his weight in the house yet still be able to do things he wants is like a red rag to a bull to me.
I met people in the Chromic Fatigue clinic who genuinely wouldn’t have been capable of looking after a small child at home and ‘keeping house’. The OP’s husband is not like them at all and thankfully neither was I. I may have done things at my own pace during the day and they might not have been done as thoroughly as they could have been but I was always mindful of the fact that when DH came home after a long day at work he deserved to have a meal on the table and some time to relax. To begrudge your partner a bath in the circumstances OP outlined is just unkind in my opinion.
It would be duplicitous of me to say that her DH needs to get back to work right now when it was almost 18 months before both the doctor and I felt that I was ready, but I can’t help feeling that he is liking the situation he has found himself in, and if he wasn’t one prior to being ill, has turned into a Mr Lazy willing to do only the bare minimum and happy to let the OP work herself to the bone. .
YANBU OP and if it were me I’d be reading him the riot act and depending on the outcome be carefully considering my future options.
His reason for not wanting to work again is pathetic and like the poster above I agree that he will soon change his tune about getting a job if he feels his current financial position is likely to be jeopardised.

I think many healthy people struggle to do much more than look after two small children. OP says he does DIY.

Yes, he has evidence he isn't well and that he looks after the children.

I was so sympathetic to him until I read your further comments. Wow what a lazy arse! Stay at home dads are just as capable but apart from my partner, I’ve only ever seen it in real life, with the woman doing everything. I couldn’t. I WOULDN’T!

"Yes he still is fine for sex ( I however am mostly not in the mood due to exhaustion ) he’ll happily run errands like getting his hair cut, grabbing a coffee, visiting his parents etc."

Given your update that he is more than capable of ADL and running errands and visiting outside the home and sex, I'm changing my opinion that he is the one being unreasonable. If he can go around a store and drive and do other things, he can do household chores like food prep and dishes instead of watching you drown.

Seven months post op, I was not able to drive and had to use a motorized chair when out (and I had been extremely fit before) and was still getting home health visits. I was thinking he had become very deconditioned but it sounds like he's built up quickly.

Part of recovery is building up stamina and strength again. You have to push your limits a bit and it's unpleasant at times.

Ah mumsnetters like to call cocklodgers at this point. £500 pcm pocket money. He's really taking the biscuit.

Jeez. This is bad.
I would tell him he is a lazy entitled fucker. & not only is required to every child related job, clean loos, change beds, keep the home going. Also make the dinners, clear up. Organise homework, pay for football etc etc
Thats what a SAHP does. Not sit about doing sweet Fuck All & expecting 500 quid to squander, leaving you the PROVIDER'S account empty.
Gravy train stops here.
He has recovered, he needs to act as a supportive partner & adequate father or
LEAVE.
Say it & mean it.

Looks like you'll have to go PT to take care of his sorry arse and the house...a life on reduced earnings might help him see the light.

never seems to work for women of course, but I bet the court will be all ears when it’s a man.

You need to have a conversation with this man about what he is actually bringing to your family life. It sounds like he gets his board and lodgings paid for by you, keeps his own money and does what he wants. You might as well be in your own. If you don't want to live like this and he refuses to change maybe you should have a conversation about divorcing as you and the family don't benefit from him being there, that might make him change and decide to step up in some way, or you go your separate ways.

Husband insists on his own money in personal account so I suggested he could pay for the cleaner out of this if he didn’t want to do it but he refuses saying he doesn’t have enough. Currently he has £500 a month to himself with all bills / food / days out paid for.

OP, this has just set alarm bells ringing for me. When my wife and I agreed that I would be a SAHD we knew finances would be tight and that we would have to regard all expenditure as joint enterprise, with absolute agreement and transparency. The only 'me' expenditure I asked for was the ability to add wine and beer to the weekly shop - and we're talking about about £3.89 bottles of Aldi Grapevine wine here. For my twice a term after school trip to the pub with other Dads I got given £20 and was virtually ordered to go.

Others have pointed out that if your DH is planning to leave you he has managed to make his position extremely advantageous. If he's draining your finances in advance to the tune of £500 a month into the bargain... well, you can draw your own conclusions but it's not a great look. What does he have to show for it?

Long term he has said he doesn’t want to return to work again as isn’t good at job interviews. My resentment is at an all time high.

I'd be 100% done and asking him to leave.

The fact is, he could literally take you to the cleaners.
He has everything to back his (lawyers) case.

You will not look great IMO.

If this is all true, I would say it is more sinister than him not cleaning to your standard. Or pulling his weight (when he is sole carer in the week)

Why on earth would he leave?
It is his home and children.

£500 a month for looking after your own children some of the time is very good indeed- I would say either you pay for the cleaner out of the £500 or I will ie. his money will be reduced by the amount the cleaner costs, or do the cleaning. There is no reason why you should give him spending money at all -many stay at home mums don't get any.
Otherwise he should go back to work- if he is well enough to look after the children there are jobs he can do-not being good at interviews is irrelevant and not your problem.

Surely if he is medically well, not contributing to childcare or house then he needs to go back to work! I wouldn’t be funding his lifestyle as the resentment will continue and relationship would be doomed

What's happened to his lump sum from his medical retirement? Was that put into a joint current account or savings account or has he kept it all for himself?

You are paying for absolutely everything and you are giving him £500 spending money a month, he is doing nothing in the house and he never wants to return to work? I would start making plans to separate. Your resentment will just get worse and worse. I'd also reduce his spending money. and use the money you have saved to pay for a cleaner. He is totally taking the piss.

Ultimatum time op. He can’t just expect to do nothing. Isn’t a relationship supposed to be equal you are doing it all, it seems. Would your life be easier if you were single?!

OP does all the night wakings and she has mentioned looking after the baby while trying to work from home while her DH is running errands.

You sound as though you think that OP is totally in the wrong when she is absolutely exhausted and at the end of her tether. Surely OP could hire a hotshot lawyer who could make her DH sound awful? Too tired for housework but well up for sex. He sounds pretty awful to most of the posters on here.

I am saying what a lawyer would say. As I explained upthread.

Lawyers = facts you can prove.

Emotions/feelings do not come in to it.

OP is in a precarious position.