Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

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Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

He should take the baby with him but unless he is out all day every day drinking coffee with witnesses I doubt that means he can't claim to be a stay at home parent!

Ex Occuationall Health here... No, the management are just fed up of carrying him, his absence putting stress on other staff having to cover and frankly if that's how he behaves at home... he's unlikely to be any better at work!

With the cooperation of his managers, and suitable temporary adjustments(less physical), I'd be proactively managing him back into the workplace.

Regular company medical checks and structured return to work in consultation with his GP.
The longer a person stays off work, the less likely they are ever to return.

At home he should be wrapping up and walking, short sessions at the gym or walking on a home treadmill to build up muscle mss and exercise his heart.

He will ache and be tired but taken gently that will lessen.
So yes he should be doing more.

After your update: he shouldn't get to do NOTHING. He CAN GET GOOD at job interviews by preparing and training then he can get a job. OR he gets to be a SAHP mad do what SAHPs do: childcare and the bulk of house chores/admin.
But I get that you can't MAKE HIM do either....it's a touch situation because I bet you dint want to live in arguments about the same things over and over again... I totally understand why your resentment is so high and you should try to have an honest conversation to see of he can understand and pull his weight foe the household.

yanbu. He needs to get a job and contribute so you can pay for help at home or he does the housework/cooking /cleaning.
its not exhausting or physically demanding to have a sahm life with one kid at school. It is when you’re working full time as well.
This would be a deal breaker for me, I’d have no love left if my husband behaved like this. I think a 6/12 recovery is reasonable. He doesn’t sound incapacitated. Tiredness is ok. He will have time in his day to rest. But also time to get chores done. Shopping can be delivered if too heavy for him. Then all he needs to do is order and put away. Housework can be done at a pace that suits him. He just doesn’t like it and wants to basically have a non working life and with you doing everything at home cause you’re the wife. Jog on.

Getting really angry on your behalf OP. A close call might have made him re-evaluate or lose confidence but he is really exploiting you. Ok his ill health retirement pension is presumably his contribution money wise but he can't live a retired life while you have small children.

How will be manage a house and look after the kids by himself?

This!

I was the main earner for 6 years and my DP got the child ben and UC and when the bills had come out of my account I gave him some more money.

Now he's the breadwinner he gives me £600 every payday and I have to try and get it to last for as long as I can.
£600 is our monthly food bill!
I get the UC and child ben but where DP earns quite well the UC payment isn't as much as it was when I was working.

Hopefully I'll be back at work in the coming months and have money to actually spend on fun for a change

Do you think he would care about the details of parenting?

He gets £500 a month to do whatever he likes with, while you're running yourself into the ground? He knows where his bread is buttered doesn't he?!!!

Which he isn't looking after.

And, no, he won't go easily. But I'd ask him to and then start divorce proceedings. And stop doing anything for him.

Unbelievable attitude. Do you know how high the bar is set for medical retirement? It’s not just about being unfit for your job for a while, you have to be unlikely to ever be fit enough to undertake the same sort of work again. It could be that he’s being dismissed on medical grounds (presumably by mutual consent), which is different to medical retirement because if the latter he should be getting his pension, paid early as well as the lump sum. Either way he is obviously unfit and could be suffering from all kinds of post infection complications like CFS or depression.

Quite a bit unrealistic to expect a person who is retired on medical grounds to be as active as when well. Clearly you don't recognise what disability looks like. The man almost died ffs. You're too much in your own head. He grafik he hasn't left you. 25k Is 1 year income and after that, what? No job is what. Help the lad heal and be gentle

Depends on the job! If, for example, he'd been in the army, it does add up.

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and argue that he can't do a lot of housework as his fatigue makes it too difficult. Even so, it is not acceptable that he criticizes you when you have a bath or take a break or need help cleaning the kitchen after dinner. His inability to help does not magically make you able to be his skivvy after working a full day and doing all the housework and cleaning and cooking.

I do think that he would get a lot of sympathy in a divorce court battle because of his medical retirement and the fact that, on paper, he is now the primary caregiver of the children and financially dependent on you. So I think you need to be careful how you proceed.

If there is not enough left over each month, after paying for bills and essentials, for you and he to each have 500 of spending money, then it seems to me fair and reasonable that the amount left over after essential bills (mortgage, food, council tax etc.) is divided in half and you each get half. You may need to work out your monthly spending to determine this amount but I think you could reasonably cut the amount you put into his account so that you end up with roughly equal amounts of discretionary spending. Surely he is not so stupid as to think that, despite the large cut in family earnings due to his retirement, the family would magically still have the same budget available for fun.

I think you need to put some effort into determining how to document your respective contributions, so that you can protect yourself if it comes to a court battle.

But if he’s unfit to work, has been ‘retired’ on health grounds, how on earth is he fit enough to be primary care-giver to two young children? That doesn’t make sense.

I had sepsis in June (albeit my DH is a doc and caught it very early). It resulted in emergency surgery (gynae)...

It all happened because I have had a parasite for about 8 years and was misdiagnosed with IBS and arthritis and put on immune suppressants (yes, DH missed this, but nowhere near his field and a very surprising diagnosis). It's made my immune system go crazy and I have damage all over- gallbladder, stomach, abscesses, over reactive immune system.

Anyway, I'm waiting for 2 more procedures which will help with current (major) shoulder and bum pain. I also run my own business and have managed to keep it going, with reduced hours in fairness. I do struggle a bit to keep right on top of everything and DH helps when he's not working.. but I haven't downed tools completely. Otherwise you're just giving in and becoming a bit of a victim I feel.. there's no reason he can't at least be doing school runs and sticking a dishwasher/ washing machine on, there's still plenty time in the day to sit bored out your mind resting?

Everything that is wrong with Mumsnet right here in this thread.

SAHM - allowed to do what she likes, husband expected to pick up major share of childcare after work and weekends. All money = family money. She can dictate what it’s spent on.

SAHD - see response to OP here.

I am nether but the man hating and pure hypocrisy is mind blowing.

Its MN I didn't expect anything else

I've had sepsis twice and felt absolute shit ,lost a stone in 12 days, lived on water for 7 days and didn't care if I died or not I also lost a lot of muscle mass from sitting around and in bed for two weeks very weak But I'm OK now, it took about 3 months to get over it ,

What is a mop ?.

Then you clearly cannot read. How embarrassing to come here and admit that so openly.

There is an unfortunate difference. These are generalisations of course but generalisations based on the lived experience of billions of men and women over generations.

SAHM = does everything round the house and all childcare, cooking etc. Plus default patent all holidays and weekends

SAHD - maybe does the childcare, poorly during the week. Mum is the default parent whenever she's at home and does at least 50% of the housework

Oh hello SAHM - personal insults too. How stereotypical, but thanks for making my point for me.

Total and utter BS and the very hypocrisy I mentioned.

People commonly die from sepsis. How would you be feeling if he had died? You would be doing everything alone and dealing with grief, a funeral and associated costs and probate, financial issues plus your children's grief and their ongoing needs. You should be Grateful he is still with you, allow him to recover and be thankful. Anything he is able to do for you should be viewed a bonus.