Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

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Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

That's not true, I have a stay at home husband and he's awesome! None of us would be able to manage without everything he does to keep us going at home. He does literally all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, looking after the children if they're off school unwell etc and I do all the life admin and work too. Without him we'd never survive. Are we in the minority?!

You are in the minority from my small frame of reference. If he has time he should write a ‘how to’ book. Like The Organised Mum method. All the books about housekeeping efficiency are all written by and for women. If there was a blog/YouTube channel, book aimed at men that I could have directed my ‘D’H to that would have been great. Too late for us now though. He refused my guidance and was so steeped in unconscious misogyny (it’s always been women’s work, it’s always been low paid, it must not need any brain focus and doesn’t require effort) he has just always done a shit job.

I have read her updates but if she really believed that he was 100 percent fit and well, why even mention the sepsis and the medical retirement in the first place? It wouldn't be relevant if she was sure he was fit and healthy. She obviously isn't and if she doesn't know how to randoms on the internet know?

My DP was a sahd for 6 years and he did the washing, tidied (a bit), hoovered, cleaned the bathroom, totally hands-on for school runs and cooked dinners. My dinner was generally ready when I came home from work. I pretty much got up during the night if the kids woke up because I'd hear them first so I may as well sort them out. Plus I did bedtime with our youngest.
I'm grateful for his efforts although we generally ate the same things on rotation whereas I make our dinners from scratch. I am currently the sahp and do everything although it takes me a long time sometimes to get things completed as I have ADHD and "oh look at that blue tit!" and I struggle to do just one thing/room at a time.
I have to ask my DP if I want him to do something and he'll usually do it and be ok with it however I went away earlier this month for a few days and asked him to deal with the mould while I was gone as the chemicals do me in and he forgot.
I came home to nothing usual been done even though he'd been off work while I was away. I was not happy.
OP I think you're right to ask him to do some housework and he should be doing it. Maybe not too strenuous but he can do dishes/load dishwasher, he can cook/prep. He could do a wash and hang it it. Not sure on the bedsheets what with the duvet, they can be heavy but I think that he should be making an effort. Remind him your not his maid.
Good luck

If he's fit, healthy, and in recovery, he needs to take on the housework and not be a sponge.

He should also be looking for a new job instead of putting all the pressure on you.

Stay-at-home dads are just as capable as mothers—I've seen it.

If he is still so fatigued that he can't do anything to help you, why not use some of the £25k to employ a cleaner, say one day per week, to do the big cleaning jobs and help lighten your load?

Oh look, a stupid person making a generalised comment on MN.

Nailed it 💯

You are not being unreasonable if he is now fit & well & capable of doing these things. It takes 2 in partnership..

Thanks everyone for your replies - he really is generally well and medical retirement is just a formality as redundancy was on the cards but they packaged it up a bit nicer (as it’s a better lump sum ) only a call with occupational health was needed to start the ball rolling. Yes he still is fine for sex ( I however am mostly not in the mood due to exhaustion ) he’ll happily run errands like getting his hair cut, grabbing a coffee, visiting his parents etc. Ive had a cleaner for the first 5 months but it become unaffordable and he was doing nothing as I did all bed changes, cleaning in between, washing etc Currently I cover all bills in joint account and separate money for food/ takeaways/ things kids need/ days out in other joint account - we then both have a portion of my earnings divided into our separate account. Husband insists on his own money in personal account so I suggested he could pay for the cleaner out of this if he didn’t want to do it but he refuses saying he doesn’t have enough. Currently he has £500 a month to himself with all bills / food / days out paid for. I’ve gone from having a comfortable disposable income where I could save for the children’s future / holidays / treat us to huge things to getting to the end of the month with £4 left. Long term he has said he doesn’t want to return to work again as isn’t good at job interviews. My resentment is at an all time high.

My automatic reply was of course but then I had long Covid years ago and just remembered what fatigue meant- sitting down after a few minutes, having to think about breathing- if it’s anything like that then yes he’s not going to be up to doing what you did

edited to say tell him how much you resent it- our marriage hasn’t totally survived me leaving work (even though it was necessary and am now back working).

It sounds like your husband (I won't call him dear, as he's clearly an arsehole!) has decided that he is going to live a life of leisure, even though it's likely to lead to YOUR complete burn out OP, I'm not surprised your 'resentment is at an all time high'.

I think in your shoes, I would sit him down and lay down the law that he either gets another job, or he does ALL of the housework, washing, etc, which is what he would doubtless expect you to do, if he was the one working full time, and you were a SAHM. If he's not prepared to do this, then I'm afraid I'd be booting his lazy arse out, as all he's contributing to your relationship at the present time, is a whole load of stress, and probably more mess for YOU to clean up! How can this possibly be classed as a partnership?

I’m sorry OP this sounds awful. The big question is why are you going along with it? I would have a think about why you are in this position where he makes unilateral decisions that lead to you being exploited and you just fall in line. Are you scared of him? Do you struggle with assertiveness? Or is it just that you have become used to seeing him as ill? Whatever it is, use the resentment to examine what is going on and fuel a major change.

Why didn't you say all this at the beginning? If you are sure that he is totally fit and healthy why even mention the sepsis and medical retirement? Is he looking after the 11 month old and 6 year old at the moment or are they in childcare? If he is looking after them and doing DIY that could be exhausting in itself without housework if he is feeling less than perfect.

The best solution would be for him to go back to work and for you both to pay for childcare. Regardless of whether he is good at job interviews he obviously previously got work.

Grabbing a coffee or having a haircut isn't what I would call an errand and certainly doesn't demonstrate good health.

Oh boy this is not a sustainable situation.
The resentment is going to become unbearable if he doesn't start to pull his weight.
Imagine everything a SAHM usually does, including the mental load and it sounds like he's doing basically none of this?
You're going to end up sick yourself if you have to continue working yourself to this level constantly.
I think you need to have serious conversation about expectations of what he will do if he's a SAHP, make a list. If you can't come to an agreement that he actually sticks to then this is not going to work out.
A lot of women don't even stay as a SAHP when all their kids go into school, what is his longer term plan? To never work again even part time?
You also need to find a way to make the finances fairer, he shouldn't have more disposable income as you.

In summary, neither of you is sympathetic to the others needs.

Divorce is not going to work in your favour and I think this is why you are stalling and he is saying he is too ill to work.

(If I believe your side to the story and he is completely "fit and well")

He will have plenty of medical back up to the contrary and is the main caregiver (your standards or not - he looks after the DC day to day, allowing you to work)

(Just got divorced - this is my freshly divorced mind, imitating my lawyers)

Some very good points. A friends BIL pulled a very similar stunt. Once the divorce was done and dusted he could miraculously work full time. So l would tread very carefully

This.
Meanwhile if OP were the SAHP pps would be berating her and telling her she’s responsible for everything and can’t expect her DH to help at all. But because he’s a man they are full of excuses and sympathies for his needs

Only you and DH know what he is capable of during his recovery. I think lower your expectations but at the same time if you say he is fit and well at the moment why is he not at least doing dinner or bath time to help out?

I think it needs a bit of give and take, I don’t want to say it but maybe he is being a little unreasonable

It’s a fine line between understanding he’s still in recovery but also not letting him take the piss, you can’t do everything and anything for the next x amount of years

Just read op but that is not right that he is spending £500 on himself and you have £4 left over after paying for and doing everything for your family. He is taking the piss. If you can’t talk to him or he won’t listen maybe get legal advice about what would happen in the event of a split.

He's taking the piss. You know it, he knows it. If he wants to be a SAHP then he needs to step the fuck up or you file for divorce. He's had a nasty illness but he is recovered. I say that from a perspective of quite extensive personal experience of sepsis.

If his employer was gracious enough to call his redundancy medical retirement and beef up his payment in some way then great but a) he's perfectly capable of working but doesn't want to and b) he's perfectly capable of parenting and house work but he doesn't want to.

Fuck that. How dare he.

Yes, but OP is on dicey ground divorce wise.

Wow I’m just amazed by how many woman on here think him behaving like this is ok! If he’s not to ill/tired for sex, he’s not to ill to help around the house and children. Someone saying he’s been looking after the kids all day! Well bully for him. Is that not what all mums do AND are expected to do the housework cooking etc! How old is this useless man?

I am saying what his LAWYER will say. @Lyraloo