For asking my husband to stop sharing his live location with his sister?

[louisewellsx37]

I recently moved to my husbands country and it is very common to share locations with friends family. I admit I thought this was/is strange too... but he has 5-6 of his friends and his sisters so wasn't a big deal. We have each others and its actually pretty handy knowing when he is on his way home from work (for dinner purposes), seeing if he is working late, or for him to see if im safe walking the dogs in the forest alone etc etc. so all in all kinda handy. problem is, his sister occasionally comments on his location eg recently we took a roadtrip and it was snowing, and she decides to text him "where the hell are you going in the snow?" and i saw his reply weeks later kind of mocking me saying "she has decided to go on a roadtrip", she being me, and her saying "haha good luck".... I find this utterly disrespectful but that is in the past and has been spoken about (to both of them). This sister often crosses boundaries and admits she hourly checks everyones locations.

problem is, after her comments on where we are at, and winding up my husband for no good reason, i find uncomfortable. even yesterday we were due to go to dinner at a family members house but changed our mind, and she has his location so we can't even say we got held up at work etc. I just find it an invasion of privacy, but was happy to keep quiet and go along with it until she started making her comments on the places we travel too...

AIBU? she recently deleted my husbands location (GREAT!!) because he had it turned off for a few days because he was fed up with it all, and because he turned it off she deleted him (as if to say well i will delete you then, if you don't share it!) - anywho, what annoyed me more was he added her back after a few days. I asked him why when he knew that i did not want her having it, he said he doesnt see the issue, why do i care, and makes out i am starting an argument and says he can have his familys location if he wants too.

AIBU?

this is brilliant - i can imagine the questions asked.

she did ask to track me, i done it for a while, turn turned off my location for a few days and she removed me lol thank god! never again

It’s modern times, I have to say I’m a fan for my DH and I for reasons you list, but friends and family it’s a no. Just a bit too private although nothing to hide, just feels a bit weird.

i feel it’s a bit like social media everyone seeing (what you post yourself), what you’re up to. People I know actively sit and snoop on peoples lives instead of an occasional glance through feed once every now and then.
If he’s happy with that, I guess it’s down to him and also you.

EDIT from OP

Yesterday we started couples/pre marital counselling. He had to visit his sister yesterday briefly when he got home I asked him how it went. He said he told her he hates his life and we are going to therapy to see if we can save this. I am distraught and livid that he would share private information about pre marital therapy with his sister. I feel like there are no boundaries at all, my feelings are not a concern and he does not respect me. Tell me if I am being OTT, but i told him to turn his location off when we were in therapy, OBVIOUSLY he should have known not to out right tell her. I am so deflated and can't be in a relationship without loyalty. When asked him why, not even an apology and got defensive saying he can say what he wants. needless to say, i dont think i can continue without some boundaries and loyalty. Now the entire family will know we are in therapy, and now i do not feel comfortable being around any of them so its just created a bigger divide. @Codlingmoths @JustAskingThisQ @FindingGlimmers @SoNiceToComeHomeTo @PotaytoPotahhto @Miaowzabella

@DevilledEgg @yata @Noodles1234

@MellowCritic

Op...I'm sorry but he' is completely inappropriate here. Ppl will argue that he has the right to speak to his sister however you're the one he should be communicating with.. if I were you I'd see how therapy goes and if he can't change his behaviour then you really ought to question if this man is right for you long term. Do not doubt yourself! When ppl insist on telling their families everything about their partners and their goings and comings it will allow space.for them to interfere when they don't even have your side. We can't tell you what to do ultimately ... but trust yourself. Good luck Op.

thanks for ur kind words.

How did the therapy session go @louisewellsx37 ? Was there an opportunity to talk about this latest example of his confiding in his sister against your wishes? You are saying that obviously he should have known not to tell his sister (and therefore his whole family) about the therapy, but it is not obvious to him. He is seeing the whole situation very differently, and couples therapy is a place for you each to explain how you are experiencing each of these incidents, listen carefully to each other's point of view, and hopefully reach a better understanding.
I hope you will continue. You didn't want his family to know about it and now they do, which is really upsetting for you, but this going against your wishes is just another small part of the bigger picture. The fact that they know needn't stop the sessions being valuable. The therapist will support you in explaining what it feels like to you when he seems to put his loyalty to his family ahead of your needs. I hope you can make some progress together.

therapy actually went good, and the therapist is amazing. really impressed and honestly do think he will be the best thing for us, hes really really good at what he does. im hopeful @SoNiceToComeHomeTo thanks for asking. there was not at this session but i will bring this up next week and I know he will tell my partner that he has to inflict boundaries.

That’s great to hear! Best of luck with it.

I'm afraid I find it totally abusive to try and forbid someone from speaking about their life and relationship with their loved ones.

If you want your partner to only report good things about you and your relationship with them, then you have to actually have a happy relationship.

There are some things that you don’t tell people no matter if they are your family especially if it involves someone else.

Especially something like couples therapy, ivf etc

I think you do have to realise that once married you and he should be each others number one person to rely on, keep each others secrets etc

I don’t think you will ever be his number 1 until he has learned to be a functioning adult

I don’t think there is any helping him either until he has got to the stage of being a grown up and you can’t wait around for that long

He is turning your life into a soap opera where his family are awaiting the next episode in what you and he did next

No that's very dangerous and how abusers trap people into thinking the victim is violating their privacy by disclosing. If someone is struggling in their relationship, they have every right to tell whoever they want what is going on.

This is all so unhealthy.

Your partner is dependent on his family and weed. He has poor boundaries. He doesn't respect your preferences or see how his choices impact you. You are having to impose conditions on him as if he were a child.

This is not an emotionally mature or healthy relationship to bring a child into. Please don't do it because they will suffer.

Generally speaking, if you find yourself frequently worried about what your partner might be telling people about your relationship, it's because you're interacting with them in questionable and potentially harmful ways and you know it.

That is a completely different scenario to what I was meaning and I thought I made that clear in my examples

If you are on the receiving end of DA /DV then it’s not what your partner is also going through

That's a veey simplistic way of looking at it and sometimes, people need to disclose what is happening to work out if it is abusive or not. It's best to just never imply that people don't have the right to talk about their relationships without their partner's consent.

I think you have a husband problem. The fact he is happy to throw you under the bus to avoid standing up to his own sister is a red flag. Unfortunately, his sister now has a false picture of you because she will automatically believe what her brother says over you. He should be able to tell his sister what he is doing without using you as the ‘problem’.

My OH used to throw me under the bus, behind my back, all the time, to save his own skin, until I found out what warped/false opinion his family had of me, which explained a lot of odd reactions from them to me in the past’.
We had counselling which helped him see he was in the wrong and had to change his ways.

You're very naive. Dysfunctional & enmeshed families can be the ultimate abusers. Abused family members often don't realise as it's normal to them, they've grown up in that mess. Sometimes it needs pointing out & boundaries need to be set by incoming partners or that expectation of subservience to 'the family' is automatically assumed.

What I know is that a man wants to share his life with his family he's known all his life and some person he met as a partner is trying to obstruct that.

The husband is perfectly comfortable with his relationship with his sibling. The only person who is in danger of abusing him is the OP who is trying to isolate him from his preferred relationship with his family.

@ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout this!!! this came up in therapy recently. i was unhappy with something his sister done, and rather than set a boundary or tell her that HER ACTIONS r wrong, he said to me, i will tell her never to text you again. suddenly, it felt like i wasnt allowed to be annoyed by some poor behaviour by her and 2) if i was annoyed by something SHE done, I GET PUNISHED. the therapist picked up on this and said that is not ok. it feels like he throws me under the bus because its easier to do that, than deal with boundaries, something i will touch more upon. my fiance backed down in front of the therapist and said he wouldnt actually ever do that, and if he did, he knew that the sister would never listen to him and still text me, but thats not the point, its making me look like IM the problem agian without addressing the behavior

@DeathNote11 @Yalta just a note to say, you are the smarter ones here. the family are most definately the dysfuntional ones (unfortunately, i wish they was not) my fiance has felt immense pressure over the years by his family, told to be the MAN of the house when his dad left, it came up that he was assigned the role by his mother to look after his sister, and THATS WHY he cant let go... so unhealthy and toxic, the kid wasnt even allowed to be a kid.

@DeathNote11 it is why they do not like me, because i am pointing out all the toxic behaviours. it is why me and my fiance fight, because i am bringing up the pain that has been easier to sweep under the rug for all these years.