To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

Do it. I told someone a couple of years ago that I couldn't see the point of discussing her grievances with her on again/off again partner any longer, because I no longer felt I was able to.

Frankly it had become a stuck record, and anyway she would only go back to him yet again.

This. And I'd definitely bring up the FB posting, especially if she has any colleagues as friends. I'm gathering the courage to have a similar conversation with a friend who's going to make himself unemployable at this rate, through his self indulgent and passive aggressive posting about his last employer who, with very good reason, was forced to sack him.

And yes, she needs counselling, and she needs to know that you're not it, and that it might help if she started showing an interest in her friends lives.

You think spending 8 months answering her calls, helping her in her new home, listening endlessly to her talk about her ex and having my own life ignored isn’t being a good enough friend?

Anyway, of course you're not being unreasonable. She really sounds bonkers and you cannot help her. If she is willing to humiliate herself publicly to her ex and everyone who knows her she is way beyond self awareness and a bit of a chat about her behavoiur.

Of course she's mourning, and of course 8 months is not too long but you are not her counsellor and cannot counsel her.

Reasonable people understand that this barrage of misery and woe is not something most people are capable of dealing with or want to have to deal with.

I don't think talking to her will help at all, I'd just back off and mute her. If you do meet up and she brings it up again you could maybe suggest grief counselling as grief counsellors do work with divorced people too in grief, loss and bereavement counselling.

Well if course the friend is being irrational! Who posts ten 'woe is me' Facebook statuses a day about their divorce?

I can sympathise with all in your post, OP, but yes, a divorce is comparable to a death. And you will hear many divorced people say the same. You have not been divorced, so how would you know?

Interesting you minimise it by calling it a ‘break up’, as though she’s someone silly and young with a boyfriend.

I think you have been an amazing friend. You have helped your friend in every way.
But at some point the sustained help doesn’t help, and that’s not your fault. You are being a friend in the best way you can.
When anyone is on the same stage as your friend, it becomes like an obsession and it won’t be moved. The fact is, her husband wanted to leave the marriage.
And I am sorry as awful as it is, it’s not the same as someone dying in horrific circumstances.
The only person who can decide to get professional help is your friend. A counsellor won’t let her sit and talk about the same thing for three hours at a time because it’s not helping her. And she needs someone whose job it is to help her get better.
The only thing you can do is decide how to act moving forwards. I think it is fair as a good friend to tell her that the constant Facebook posting and dog-wrangling is keeping her stuck. If she doesn’t like it, then that’s her reaction to own.
You can still spend time with her, within limits and if she brings everything back to her divorce, tell her it’s hurting her, not helping her.
I say all this as someone who had an awful breakdown and I had a pretty straight talking friend and I am so glad she called me out. It helped me see I needed professional help.
Your friend’s behaviour isn’t just about her divorce, but will probably have deep-seated roots in her childhood and previous experiences.
If your friend reacts badly, then step away. Tell her you will be there for her in the future.

I’m glad you’re feeling more your normal self now. I completely agree about the finality but for me, in terms of timeframes, it was the other way around. I didn’t bounce back from my bereavement, of course, but it didn’t floor me like my divorce did (perhaps because we’d been together since school and there was also an element of betrayal — he cheated, and it was years before I found out; whereas when my DP died, he’d been ill for a while so we’d both had time to prepare — as much as you can.)

No she has other friends, but she doesn’t get on with her family. We have mutual friends but I don’t want tk ask about their experience of her as it sounds a bit two faced.

How did it go down like a sack of shit? I simply said that I have experienced grief as my dad died.

Do you have a problem with me @Madeinbuck?

Britain’s Got Talent?

Who have I disagreed with? Only the people saying in a bad friend.

What I will say is lots of people have rebutted my belief that it’s not the same as a death but people have definitely made fair points that it’s a type of grief so whilst, as a person who experienced a devastating death and can’t imagine it being comparable to my dad still being in the world somewhere, I accept the impact is the same for others.

She is following her and it pings every time a new post is up. And being on FB isn´t a crime.

I’m an arsehole because I want to spend more than 2 minutes out of 180 minutes telling her about my life and my sick son? Over the course of 8 months?

Are your friendships only ever about one person and the other wanting to be seen as a person is “an arsehole”?

It definitely doesn’t ping up when she posts, or anyone posts. The only time I get notifications is when businesses do that annoying thing of tagging ‘everyone’

But when I log in the first post is almost always a new post from her. I find it a bit odd that I’m being criticised for using Facebook in the way one is meant to 😂

I think you are a bad friend if you can't support someone through a crisis. She probably WON'T get over it. Her life is changed forever.

Yes, your friend needs to stop embarrassing herself in such a pathetic way. Do try to talk sense into her.

She did support her during her 8 month crisis. Is she supposed to continue doing so forever?

What's the end date that you would find acceptable for the OP to want to prioritise her own mental health and boundaries?

I think she's already proven herself a pointless fairweather friend so I don't think it matters too much

So supporting someone for 8 months as they have a public crisis and daily melt down, but then deciding she can now no longer continue to do so makes her a fairweather friend?

How many months/years do you think it is appropriate for someone to give up to their friend's mental health crisis before they are allowed to prioritise their own mental health and boundaries?

There is a chance that this is getting worse over time for the OP because the friend has already burnt through other friends.