To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

Well I’m not the kind of friend who pretends their mates are perfect and did nothing wrong, and I would find the helplessness very draining indeed if it was me so I’m not sure why it’s bad to say that?

Like I’ve said I don’t if there is an OW it’s just a hunch/cynicism.

I know her ex tried for a year because she’s a good friend and told me the first time they almost split and I’d check in on her to see how it was going. Also this is what her ex said when they split 8 months ago.

No not me - and I wouldn’t eat her baking if you paid me 🤣 I’ve said this to her as she’s a self confessed terrible cook (as am I)

Yes exactly - meaning I don’t know for sure. My friend is certain there’s no OW and had said “Alex wouldn’t do that to me”. Like I said I’ve never known a marriage split without cheating or very-convenient-getting-together-with-a-colleague-very-soon-after type situation

What is yanuvva?

She isn’t in the home they shared

FIND the boiler? How big is her house...?

She sounds pretty pathetic. She will toughen up a bit now, because she'll have to, but you need to think about how long you're willing to wait. It's not going to happen overnight.

I know a couple of women like this - not close friends, but in friendship groups. Absolutely dependent on their husbands and if they are not around, glom on to whoever will take care of them. It is exhausting. One of the marriages is very solid, but the other one has been shaky for years (to the point that their adult children have said to me they dont know why their parents are still together). God knows how she will cope if it does come to an end. This level of dependence is not normal or healthy, so it is not surprising how much she is struggling. But it is not your job to be her sole support.

Yes I understand how divorce works but my point is that it’s consuming her beyond what is rational

Well that’s kind of the point on my OP, to see if it is rational and I’m being a cow or to see if it’s irrational and I need to speak up

Emotions aren't rational.

My husband and I separated and it took me a full year to feel anywhere close to normal. I lost a huge amount of weight, didn't sleep more than 3 hours a night. I felt completely overwhelmed and out of control. And that was with weekly counselling and antidepressants. I didn't do the FB craziness, but I definitely did offload too often onto some people. I desperately tried to stop myself because I knew it wasn't fair on them, but sometimes it would just spill out of me when I really didn't intend it to. I have apologised subsequently to the ones I relied on most.

I am not excusing or justifying her reaction, but I can completely understand it.

My dh tried strategic incompetence with cooking. I told him he was an adult and perfectly capable of cooking and in a marriage two people pull their weight. I’d have divorced him if he’d thought a marriage was me carrying him, how is that unreasonable?

I am there for her but I also have my limits. Hence my AIBU

I have no idea why you’re being so random with posts but if you have something to say I suggest you say it.

The fact you say "beyond what is rational" just demonstrates you haven't the slightest clue of what this can be like.

I’ve never been divorced but I lost my dad in very unjust, sudden and horrific circumstances so yes I absolutely do no pain and grief but managed to be measured with my friends who were very obviously uncomfortable whenever I tried to talk about it

So please take your presumptions elsewhere.

And no I don’t think k declaring you’re never gonna get over it, posting on SM endlessly and consuming a 3 hour lunch with talks of an ex is rational behaviour

Condolences re your father.

With due respect, because you handled the grief well that time does not mean that you would be as sanguine if your marriage fell apart. We don't always know how we are going to be affected by grief. I have seen it be a very wild experience for a lot of people.

I know and I’ve spent 8 months on hand being understanding but my whole AIBU is to ask if it’s fine that I’ve had enough.

well, you have obviously had enough. For now, at least. Why not just have a bit of a break from her - it doesn't have to be a permanent NC. You can check in by text every now and then. You can even use the just let her talk/listening-not listening technique on the phone where you just let her talk, but don't necessarily listen to everything she's saying, but make encouraging noises every now and then that make it sound like you're listening. You can even lay your phone down on speaker for a bit and just let her talk away. I have used this technique a couple of times and it's worked. The speaker gets to go on and on and I don't really have to listen too deeply so am not affected by what they're saying, but it's immensely satisfying for them.

if I was having a breakdown, which your friend sounds like she is having right now, I would not want to have a friend like you around. I suggest you distant yourself not only for your sake, but for her sake too. Doesn't make you a terrible person, but you have clearly reached your capacity and now lack the compassion, patience and empathy necessary to be alongside this person who is truly at a low ebb.

Op for what's its worth I know exactly what it's like. With a father dying and a child being diagnosed with a autoimmune disease all at the same time. I do think she's being ridiculous with the social media bs and it will in no way help her. I do think she could use a come to jesus.