To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

No way, I disagree.
There are 2 people in the friendship. If it’s all take take take on one side then of course the other person will get sick of it eventually.

It’s not like the OP is living a glittering care free life, the OP has her own problems too. A sick child is a real strain. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

It’s not a bottomless well of support, at a certain point you have to lift your head up from your own grief and look around and see other people, and they are suffering too, and balance the support. Give them some too.

If it’s all one sided, it is unbalanced, and even a saint would draw the line.

Good point. I've seen that happen before.

Op it’s quite clear that your friend does not need anyone telling her to get a grip.

What she needs is someone gently steering her to get sole professional help. Poor woman.

8 months is nothing. As you will learn as you age and see how many people are maimed for life by hard experiences. You can decide your "boundaries" kick in less than a year after a trauma but then why call yourself a friend if you're a going for coffee and cake acquaintance.

There is a difference between expecting someone to be over something traumatic in 8 months and expecting their trauma not to still monopolise every single meetup and conversation 8 months later. That complete lack of awareness and insight is not a trauma thing, it is a personality thing. I've been through a number of traumatic events in my life, as I'm sure a lot of other people have, and managed not to trauma dump constantly on my friends with no room for them to share about their lives. In fact, my friends were a distraction from the pain. The opportunity to think about something else. It's not good or healthy to have made zero progress in 8 months. You don't need a friend at that point, you need a therapist.

Excellent post.

When my husband was terminally ill, my friends would start telling me about a problem and then stop half way through a sentence, because they felt bad unloading to me. But I found other people's problems a great distraction from my own.

Given the number of people who lose their partners to divorce or death, if they all spent eight months draining their friends and posting ten times a day on Facebook about their grief, there'd barely be anyone left to listen.

The friend in the OP needs counselling and some gently applied tough love. Losing all her friends is not going to help her situation.

As you will learn as you go you many of us, including me have been maimed for life with hard experiences and none of us is a bottomless well of support for anyone except maybe our kids.

OP has as much right to support and care as her friend. She is not her counsellor. She is not her doctor. She is not her support worker.

And again, how many months or years do you consider acceptable for a friend to be a support person for someone who is having a daily public melt down and mental health crisis? If it's not 8 months is it 12 months? 18 months?

How many more months until OP gets to prioritise her own mental health and boundaries?

And once you have given a figure, please explain how you come to that conclusion.

For example, did you draw up any risk assessments outlining plans of action should her friend become more seriously mentally unwell? Did you interview everyone involved and factor in any other supports the friend may have and the OPs suitability for taking the place of a healthcare team, care worker or counsellor?

Do you have a mental health care plan in place outlining different supports, resources and actions that will be safe for the OP to take and to give support to the OP when she needs to debrief?

Have you spoken to OP's medical health experts and taken into account OPs own challenges, resources and supports, have you asessed OPs mental load and stability since being placed without her agreement in the position of support person for her friend?

OP works, and has said her friend works. Have you discussed how being coopted into being the ad hoc support person for her friend might be affecting her own health, life, family and job?

Or have you just decided for some reason that OP is to be a support person for as long as you, personally, consider acceptable?

In the immortal words of Johnny Cash, misery loves company.
You need to distance yourself, or she will drag you down to her level.
It’s okay being a friend - but you’re being used as an emotional crutch.

So you cannot answer the question?

How odd that you consider the OPs mental health and boundaries silly. Odder still that you'd use an inappropriate emoji. Very silly.

This sums it up. Cannot be argued with.

So you cannot answer the question? And are continuing with childish emojis? How very silly.

Aw I'm sorry you went through that.

Yep, grief is a process. It is well known that there are stages to it that we just naturally go through. It's part of being human. It's survival. Something has gone wrong somewhere if you get permanently stuck on one of those stages. That is when outside professional help is needed to get you to the acceptance stage.

and presumably over years of close friendship, the OP would have identified this “personality thing”. So fact that still close friends would indicate the OP hasn’t observed this as her friends fundamental personality because it is not her friend’s personality

@Madeinbuck

She has identified it though. She pointed out her friend's helplessness in life. Her lack of awareness. Her need to be looked after by other people. Her behaviour now is likely an extension of that. As in she doesn't know how to help herself.

I have been supporting her i just think im entitled to my own limits. And if she does never get over it thats fine but is it fair for that to impact our friendship?

I think i maybe work my friendships differently to some people as i would fully expect someone to tell me if I was annoying them or to call me out on my behaviour. I wouldn’t have friendships any other way. I dont expect my friendships to be “I can behave however I like and you have to accept it otherwise you’re a bad friend and an arsehole”

Pointless how? How else should I have behaved over the last 8 months?

I have to say when I lost my dad, there was A LOT to be angry about because of people who’d caused and contributed to his death. But it was very helpful to put a date on when I had to stop being angry. It was ages ago now so can’t remember the exact timeframe but I do remember saying to DH “Right from X date I am no longer going to be venting or thinking about Y Person because it has to end and is getting me nowhere”. It did help.

This person needs time
Time to heal

I met someone recently, who was talking about an unhappy marriage, which occurred decades ago !
This person had moved countries & established a good new life

I would have given her 10 minutes and suggested a counsellor. I’m not a ‘fair weather friend’, I’m a good friend but I’m not a counsellor. There are lots of different types of friendships.
I think you have been very kind to her.