To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

The thing is, people who have been bereaved will have lasting grief - but they will still allow the other person to talk. That sort of grief doesn’t go away quickly but most people who experience it are aware enough to sometimes talk about something else.

I have a couple of friends who I have supported through A Thing (I don’t want to say what). One, in particular, had been going through Thing for a couple of years. When my Dad died suddenly, she still only talked about The Thing (she knew my Dad had died but nonetheless was completely consumed with her problems). I am now phasing her out (or she is phasing me out - I think she has realised that I’m not up for carrying on the way I have been).

Should the OP suffer a bereavement, will the friend support her through it? Or will she scramble to move off the subject and back on to her ex? Only the OP will know.

To be honest she needs some tough love; it just seems like she is in denial.

He doesn’t want to stay with her, he requested a divorce, he isn’t going to get back with her. This problem isn’t magically going to resolve in the way she wants. What I would expect her relatives or close friends to say gently, is that she can’t change his mind and all she can do is take steps to move forward alone. What can she do now that future her would be thankful for?

She doesn’t need all the answers but she needs to realise that by pining for him, she’s sabotaging her future happiness. You’re there for her but you can’t keep listening to the same circular pity parties.

She needs to get a grip and perhaps get some hobbies which involve lots of men (who do DIY)

Jesus I hope she’s not bending the ears off her colleagues.

I feel for her, but agree with PPs to take a step back until she gets through this. I wouldn’t say anything directly as she probably won’t get it. Just say you’ve been struggling a bit with your DH being ill or whatever.

Either she is depressed or she thinks that somehow all this will make him change his mind??

Having experienced both, I disagree. They’re different, of course, but a breakup can be incredibly traumatic and difficult to process. Yes, the person is still alive, but your relationship with them has ended; they’re no longer available to you; you have to learn to navigate the world as a single person.

I got a journal to write my feelings down after I split with my husband because who wants to hear my inner feelings on the subject on social media?

I'm 16 months on, 8 months since the final order, and whilst friends ask how I am, I don't blather on about it. The learned helplessness too, I mean, sheesh. I had to learn many things once the Dickhead left, but you just get on with it. And what you don't know you find on the Internet.

Distance yourself. Suddenly you have things to do. Suggest sources of information for her. But ffs don't be her babysitter, the woman has to learn, however hard it might feel.

It's a pity that she won't say goodbye to the dogs and then get her own, new dogs. I'm sure it would be hard to let the dogs go, but the new dogs would symbolise a new life and might really help her. Especially if she got puppies.

But I guess she wants the connection with her ex. I'm also suspicious that the ex is ambivalent about his decision. If he really wanted her out of his life, wouldn't he just give her the dogs and get new ones like suggested above? Maybe he's giving her a bit of hope, which might explain her difficulty in moving on.

The dog situation reminds me of Ant and Lisa and their dog Hurley. I don't think that situation was healthy for Lisa at all.

Eight months is not a long time to be honest. She's still in bereavement. He's a twat for leaving her for another woman.

Time will heal!
Give her 10 minutes, then Discreetly change the subject.

16 years is quite a long marriage to get over but it sounds like she is not wanting to move on and sounds quite helpless. It must be draining for you but if she is a good friend I would probably give her more time. However I would make lots of suggestions about moving on with her life which she might not like.

Unfortunately the dog situation is probably just making things worse. If they see each other twice a week presumably for handover, can they not change the set up so that they both have the dog for longer chunks of time. Seeing each other twice a month would be better

I would agree with this.
Having been through a similar experience myself, therapy in the form of a support group, really helped me move on.
Due to my ex H's poor behaviour whilst we were still married, I was already on anti depressants at the time of separation but was off them completely before the decree absolute came through.
It can be done, she just needs the right nudge, probably from someone professional.

Poor woman. I can see how it would be tough for you to have to listen to her day in day out, but I'm glad that you're not my friend because you talk about her with such disdain. I don't think you should tell her to pull herself together or snap out of it because she probably can't. She is having a kind of breakdown. She needs professional help, as others have mentioned.

I particularly disliked the post where you implied that her DH was right to leave her because of her "helplessness". What friend says things like that?

8 months isn't that long. I hope that she is able to find herself again independently of him. We all know what's going on with him and deep down she knows it too and won't be surprised when he posts that his new woman is pregnant. As I said before...poor woman. I wish her well.

You have my sympathy OP, I’ve had to massively distance myself from a close friend who spent a decade bitching and moaning about her husband (including in front of him!!). Then when he filed for divorce, she’s bemoaning her fate…after sitting on her butt doing nothing for 15 years. She’s unemployable and now hates being short of money more than she hated being married to him. It’s draining being a bystander, so I’ve massively pulled back.

Hope you’re able to distance yourself to!!

I've experienced both being divorced and widowed, and I believe there is a real finality to being widowed that isn't the same as being divorced.
Sure, the divorce really took the stuffing out of me but I accepted it and was over it within a few months and moved on.
Being widowed was totally different - for two years afterwards I just wanted to be dead myself as I didn't see the point of living. I had to have extensive counselling during that time just to accept that it had happened. Another two years later I'm now feeling more my normal self 🙂

I like this, it’s a good idea.

https://www.harpercollins.com.au/9780008511746/really-good-actually/

buy her this book (it’s a comedy) but completely eye opening… also 8 months isn’t that long. It takes 10 years for attachment bond to break. Depends how much you like her and want the friendship to survive…

She is heading for mental illness if she is not there already. A firm discussion with her about going to the GP and working with a pyschologist is needed. Then leave it, if she doesn't chose to listen you can't change that.

There is only so much you can manage yourself from someone behaving as an energy vampire.

He really is - well was, lost him 12 years ago. The book still smells of him

She sounds like Alice Evans. Its sad. Sympathy for the lady. But like you say you want them to just get a grip and be a little more dignify.

There’s some very good advice here thank you!

I think I will step away for now and tell her to seek as much help as she can but I’ve got a busy few months ahead (which is true) so to pull in support from everywhere and even it out a little. Thank you to whoever posted the Mind link. I’m going to reiterate about the ridiculous dog arrangement too - dogs are both 9/10ish I suggested taking one each and she said “If you divorced your DH would you only pick one child?” (REALLY had to bite my tongue on that one).

Shes a very old friend and I don’t want to lose her and she’s always been so in love from the moment she met her ex and really sustained that love so I get it’s very hurtful. For ages they were one of those annoying loved up couples! I have said that breaking away might actually be the best thing that’s ever happened to her and a year from now will look very different (I just hope I’m right)

Her ex isn’t a bastard and doesn’t need revenge exacted - unless there is an OW, but perhaps that’s my cynical mind at play because I’ve never know a couple to divorce without one of them having someone waiting in the wings. In the event there is no OW her ex really worked very hard for a year to fall back in love with her and it just didn’t happen. I think people do have a right to fall out of love with their husbands/wives and should leave if that happens

I agree with PPs to distance yourself somewhat. Make yourself busy and not as accessible to her for a period of time at least. I had a similar thing with a close friend of mine and in the end it was my DH who told me that I should back off as her trauma was causing me trauma! It was relentless and she couldn't talk about anything else. She will get through it if she wants to but of course she will have to do it herself. You've been (and are being) a great friend OP but she really does need to sort this out for herself - sounds like you've done all you can for now.

TBF I don’t know if this happened or not it’s just a hunch

I would be firm and tell her that you’ve exhausted your abilities to try and help her cope and it’s putting a strain on your friendship. I would also say that she needs to seek professional help because it’s beyond your capabilities and it’s not helping by keeping on going through it. She’s using you as an emotional crutch and draining you. She’s also being extremely manipulative and I’d have no time for that at all. She doesn’t want help, she wants someone to emotionally hold hostage and give her undivided attention instead of being an adult and sorting her shit out. It’s not a two way street friendship and she doesn’t care about you or your life beyond what she can gain from you. Utterly selfish. Bow out and allow all these hoards of self righteous Facebook friends who are falling over themselves to put theirselves in your position.

Did you post about your friend before?

It’s ringing some bells. Is she the one who had a lovely life at home, baking?

Sorry if not, that thread might be useful too.