To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

I really feel this. Sending you hope, first of all, because it does get better and strength to get through. I hope you can find a way out of the living situation as that's untenable and won't help your healing. Counselling helped a lot and I had many sessions so keep at it. You'll get there, I promise

I certainly don’t expect her to be walking on cloud nine - just toning it down and perhaps just trying to take steps to move on.

I’m afraid despite the apology I don’t agree - she referred to “for you” when talking about lengths of time for grief and i think it was intended exactly like that.

She doesn't want to get over it, I would just go minimal contact for a year or so and see if she improves- you can't spend the rest of your friendship talking about how heartbroken she is- clearly she doesn't want to believe she has to move on, which is why she is trying to have a relationship with her ex via the visitation for the dogs-but it looks as if he isn't interested (probably a less clingy woman as you suspect). Your friendship currently doesn't live up to the name- everyone sees this which is why she has fallen out with so many people.
You really can't help someone who is so delusional-so see her less and hope she finds her own way out of it- but there are no guarantees , you may never get your friend back.

OP some of the reactions you are getting are really unfair to you.

Real friends are honest with each other, not unkind but sometimes we all need someone to say, yes I know and I feel for you but I'm not the person you should be talking to about this. Or signposting them to where they can get real help.

Those who sit there and allow such wallowing in self-pity are not helping anyone.

Good friends raise you up

Bad friends keep you in misery

You're a good friend, can you arrange to do something fun to take her mind off it for an afternoon or evening?

Oh I gathered from your replies now that it's a lesbian relationship. Those are always way more intense so makes sense. I'd just distance myself for a bit and leave her to grieve and come back when she's calmed down a bit. Sounds like you've been pretty supportive and can step back a bit for a while I think.

I think you’re being taken for granted and used - she needs to realise that friendship should be reciprocated and like other relationships, is a choice for both parties.
I don’t think you’re doing her any favours by letting this go on: I’d tell her you’ve reached your limit.
I would never burden a friend like this and think she’s being very selfish but there’s a chance it’s become a habit and she thinks you enjoy the wallowing.

You don’t seem to like this friend Op, even putting this issue aside.

It’s easy to stop liking a friend when you know that, despite you having had a head fall off, they are going to switch the conversation back to Simon in 3 … 2 … 1.

Tittat50 & HollyKnight give good advice 🙌

@ThisFluentBiscuit Of course not!

This is a very difficult situation to be in. You want to be a good friend but at the same time you feel drained and frustrated. I was in a similar position many years ago. My friend was going through a divorce and I spent hours and hours hearing about it. I remember one phone call that went on for three hours. I had a new baby at the time and was exhausted. I later found out that my friend, despite the hatred she professed to feel for her soon to be ex husband, had been meeting him for a weekly 'afternoon delight' session the whole time, despite the fact that she knew he was seeing someone else and that's what made them seek a divorce in the first place. I felt like an absolute fool. It's made me very wary of things like this. I would advise you to tread carefully and take a step back if you possibly can. Not saying your friend is doing what my friend did, but listening to hours of heartbreak without being asked anything about your life can be soul destroying.

OP, this reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie is constantly obsessing over the end of her relationship with Big and in the end, the other three have to sit her down and tell her she needs therapy as they can't help her anymore. "We're just as fucked up as you are. It's like the blind leading the blind."

Not that I'm saying you're fucked up, of course! But I think you're absolutely right in that you can't go on like this indefinitely. She needs help. You're not a bad friend at all.

Also reminds me of a great episode of ‘Dinnerladies’ where Jean is getting divorced and turns into a nightmare.
And Bren tells her as it is. I know it’s a comedy but it is actually a really powerful episode because Jean is obsessed with her ex and her OW and can’t get over it.

Yes, exactly!

In the woke world, you are being unresonable. Its her lived experience, you should support and understand her and be empathetic. She's the victim.

The rest of us in the real world would say you are not being unreasonable. I'm sorry but she needs to suck it up, deal with it and move on.

I think your posts have just demonstrated exactly why your friend hasn't been able to move on as quickly as you want her to. You haven't moved on as quickly as you thought you had, hence your explosive anger towards someone who was replying to you in a reasonable way.

No, she isn’t moving on because she doesn’t want to. I’m not getting irritated because I haven’t moved on, I’m getting irritated because it’s irritating

it sounds like severe depression. People in the middle of depression can be extremely self centred, completely unintentionally, and supporting them can be exhausting.

Don't rule out checking with her other friends and family how she is, or at least trying to see her with them. I’ve seen on a couple of occasions a depressed person will view one particular person as their go to for offloading all their depression, and put on a brighter front the rest of the time. I saw my grandma do it with my mum. She was alright with me, but as soon as my mum was there it was like someone flicked a switch. It was hell for my mum because that’s all she saw of her for the last few years. I also had a friend do it to me, which was absolutely draining to the point where I had to back away completely after a few years.

I honestly don’t know how you deal with it other than distancing yourself unfortunately. You’ve been a good friend, but you cannot sacrifice your own mental wellbeing for her. Could you try arranging to do shared activities with her so that there’s less talking involved? Phrase it as trying to take her mind off things maybe. Plan a trip to the theatre or to see a show, then you’ve got an obvious subject to talk about other than her ex. For some reason I want to suggest you both take up rock climbing. Might be a terrible idea, but I can’t get it out of my head so I’m writing it. Basically I think it’s worth trying to change the dynamic of the friendship so that you’re doing something together rather than just sitting talking. Hopefully that could change you from being the friend who she offloads everything on, to being the friend who takes her mind off things and cheers her up.

I remember that my DSis was a bit like this when her marriage broke up. It was in 2003, so social media wasn’t really a thing then. I took her to the law firm where I worked as a secretary and she filed for divorce. I also discovered that her STBXH had been violent to her, but because he was the one who wanted out, she was in shock. She rang me a lot and stayed with us for several weekends and we visited her.

But then my FIL died in a car accident a couple of weeks later and I found myself having to support my DH as well, when we had only been married for a few months. And he had to support MIL, who was understandably deep in shock; she had also been in the car with FIL. She was on the phone with my DH for an hour every evening and then very often my DSis would call as well. It was a very hard time.

I can reassure you that it really does get better. My DSis was a real mess for at least a year, but then she came through it and started dating again. She’s now happily married to her lovely second DH with a family.

It took my MIL much longer (at least 5 years) but she came through it too, eventually. At first she couldn’t stop blaming the police for not prosecuting the other driver, unable to accept that FIL had made a mistake. I worked in the PI department and we handled her claim. I typed the letters explaining the reality to her. I really regretted recommending the law firm where I worked.

It was so hard for my DH, as he was grieving, too, but he had to be strong for his DM. He was probably very like you in how he handled his grief.

But, as I said, she did come through it and she now loves being a grandma to her 7 DGCs. (We have two DDs and my BIL and SIL have five, four of whom are adults now.)

Good advice! And an excellent user name!

I should add that Ihave been in a similar situation to you. A friend of mine had something really awful happen to her, which tore her apart. She has been deteriorating mentally. I can't support her in the way that she needs (no friend could) because I believe she needs specialist support. She is so low and what happened to her was so awful, but unfortunately, it also pulls me down when I engage with her. I just hope that, although I can't give her what she ultimately needs, that I am not unkind to her and don't tell her to "get a grip", which would be so cruel because she is already going through a lot and I really doubt that she could just "pull herself together". When I don't engage with her I send her encouraging texts, saying that I hope she's doing OK or that I'm thinking of her. It's a tricky situation.

It's true though that the time it takes to recover varies hugely from person to person.

Two of us who'd had relationships fail were talking about this over drinks. We were saying how even now - months down the line - the sadness would be overwhelming some days, and the loss felt depthless, and though the giddy sense of freedom might kick in at any time that was bad because there was always a crashing comedown of regret and loneliness, and, like, it just seems endless and were we ever going to feel normal again?

Our friend arrived, sat down, asked what were were talking about.

"How a break-up just completely devastates you. It's so difficult to get back on track. Just takes ages..."

"Oh, God, I know," said the newcomer, pouring a glass of Sauvignon, "I felt exactly the same when X and I split up. Just devastated. Really fucked up my Bank Holiday weekend."

Let her get over it herself you can only help & advice someone so much