AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

[Gossipygossip]

I'm annoyed, but not sure if I should be, although I have certainly learnt a lesson here.

Went out for dinner with four school mums, that I have known since reception and our children are now in the last years of secondary school so for some time. We have always been open and honest about parenting, ND diagnoses, challenging behaviour, marriage up and downs. So my DD has started a relationship and although she is was 15 when it began, it was sexual. They are still together over a year later, and we are happy that's it's a supportive and loving relationship and of no concern. It was young to start having intimacy, but it was her choice and is doing everything the right way with protection etc.

Also we talked about our children going to parties etc, and drinking. Felt like an open sharing conversation over a curry and a drink or two.

Except I then find out one of my friend's husbands has been gossiping to another husband (of a mutual friend who didn't attend the dinner), about how my DD is engaging in underage sex, and what awful parents we are.

AIBU to feel like something said, if not in confidence, but at least in friendly trusting environment, is been used in this way? Would you say anything to your friend that passed this on?

I would judge you. You really think a 15yo is capable of having an adult relationship. And you are ok with a child having sex? Yes I would judge and I can imagine others did too. Sorry op far too young and also no to sharing this

💯

This

Stop your gossiping.

Stop sharing your daughter's private info. Medical, sex life, how school is, that's private.

You’re getting a lot of bashing for the conversation, which I don’t think is fair.

If we can’t talk to long term friends as a sounding board about some of the more delicate issues in life then something has gone very wrong with the world.

The key bit is the trust and confidentiality between the group, which seems like you’ve seen as a given and has some how gone awry.

I’d guess in that bit of :
You assumed what’s discussed in the group stays in the group.
She assumed that conversations between husband and wife are fair (as many do).
Husband didn’t clock that this is stuff you don’t pass on, she assumed that was blindingly obvious so didn’t spell it out to him.

Your plan to follow up with that message seems thoroughly sensible. And lesson learned for the future for the group, to pin down the confidentiality before getting into anything sensitive.

I hope she’s at least as embarrassed as you are

Stop your gossiping.

People who have friends normally discuss problems with them...

I could understand it if you were gaining support or insight from a close
Friend about how worried/ concerned you are about your daughter being intimate or in a relationship so young, but it sounds like this was discussed in a 'look how much my daughter has grown, I'm so proud', kind of way, which is pretty grim. I suspect there were other ways you could have reflected on your daughter's growth, other than through her sex life, especially given she's ND and possibly also struggles with over sharing.

Op doesn’t have a problem with her daughter’s “adult” relationship.

People also discuss non problems with. friends

It sounds like they were slating ops parenting rather than discussing her dds sex life in depth.

I love how you've described women discussing teenagers sex life as 'oversharing' whereas the men mentioning it in the context of saying op is a crap parent (not a POV I agree with on that issue , but that's neither here nor there) as disgusting, misogynistic and paedophilic though.

Op is the one to blame because they wouldn't have been able to discuss it had op not divulged her 15yos intimate details to anyone else.

If you don't want anyone to know something, tell no one.

Why are the husbands even mentioning it.
What twats!
Hope they weren't joking about your DD

No respect for men that gossip!
I expect it from women! They too can be twats

I get the feeling they really weren't stating the daughter but the parenting. No matter what this girls privacy has been violated terribly. Even children should have a right to privacy. I get the feeling OP's friends feel the same as the fathers. Why else would they have spread the news. I hope OP ever shares this type of info again.

Men absolutely LOVE gossip!!!

Yep, it's always made out to be women but it's definitely not!

Yes.this..dont normalise this..she is too young for this I would be a lot lot more cautious. They are gossiping about your parenting and your seemingly casual attitude to this.

@Truth25 @NotOneOfTheInCrowd and others. Real question -- what's your prevention method for underage sex, and how would you know for sure it was working? Around 20% lost their virginity by 15, Yougov found. It used to be one-third. All down to bad parenting?

Def think you should op!

@boxyboxs What problems? OP said she is fine with her daughter's "adult" relationship. In fact she said "They are still together over a year later, and we are happy that's it's a supportive and loving relationship and of no concern. It was young to start having intimacy, but it was her choice and is doing everything the right way"

So OP was simply gossiping about her daughter's "adult" sexual personal private relationship to four other women, who then went and did the same.

Same.

Because of worries with contraception? I had a similar conversation with a friend whose daughter had boyfriend sleeping over often and in the same bed. I expressed faint surprise. Friend said life was too short and daughter was in late teens.
If kids are going to have sex, they will. In cars, on beaches, whatever. You might not like it but they will. Better to know and guide with contraception, surely?

I would send that text. It's not okay

"I will seek legal advice"??!!

No crime has been committed, other than by the boy having sex with an under age child

You condoned underage sex? how old was the boyfriend at the time?

I'm sure the op knows about contraception but if not she could get her an appointment with a sexual health clinic who will provide a professional service but it doesn't sound like she had any concerns so yes she was just gossiping.