AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

[Gossipygossip]

I'm annoyed, but not sure if I should be, although I have certainly learnt a lesson here.

Went out for dinner with four school mums, that I have known since reception and our children are now in the last years of secondary school so for some time. We have always been open and honest about parenting, ND diagnoses, challenging behaviour, marriage up and downs. So my DD has started a relationship and although she is was 15 when it began, it was sexual. They are still together over a year later, and we are happy that's it's a supportive and loving relationship and of no concern. It was young to start having intimacy, but it was her choice and is doing everything the right way with protection etc.

Also we talked about our children going to parties etc, and drinking. Felt like an open sharing conversation over a curry and a drink or two.

Except I then find out one of my friend's husbands has been gossiping to another husband (of a mutual friend who didn't attend the dinner), about how my DD is engaging in underage sex, and what awful parents we are.

AIBU to feel like something said, if not in confidence, but at least in friendly trusting environment, is been used in this way? Would you say anything to your friend that passed this on?

That is extremely unlikely. And some gobshite told all and sundry, not the OP.

I can think of a number of reasons why you might reference that a DC is in a sexual relationship with close confidants. It’s hardly shocking at that age when there is a steady BF/GF involved. And it’s not as if OP was gossiping details, as she has made clear.

A wife telling her DH is a bit odd and that DH then texting his mate is fucking weird and creepy and I would absolutely call them out on it making it very clear that two adult men discussing a 15 year old girls sex life is grim.

that is absolutely not how decent men behave 🤢

You need to educate yourself about consent and teenagers.

Many decades ago, when I was a young woman, I worked in a shipping office. One of the ship Captains, many years older than I became great friends. When his vessel was berthed I sometimes went down for lunch on board during my one-and-a-half lunch hour. We were not lovers. One day a lad from another company visited the office, asked me for a date, one of the men in the office said "No chance Peter she's already fixed up with..." and named the Captain. Apparently, all the staff in the office assumed we were lovers - I put them right, but to this day 60 years later I am sure they did not believe me.

I can't imagine a partner being that interested in any of the gossip shared in a group of mums. So to her it must have been something she's a bit judgy on, something they debate about their own kids/sleepovers, or perhaps they are just that sort of couple.
I've always found guys definitely gossip but in this instance I think it's weird - it's so irrelevant to them, or should be, why pass it on? The partner or at least the mum who didn't go agree I think or it wouldn't have got back to you.
In case it's not clear, I don't think you did anything wrong, groups of parents who have been friends for many years will share stuff about their kids - for inclusion purposes, ie, yes we're all in it together, for support, or to get it all out and cheer yourselves up. It hardly sounds like you were massively gossiping about the ins and outs of her life - I'd have assumed they were having an adult relationship anyway at their age, long term, staying over.
It's the guy passing it on that is the weirdest imo.

YABU to have been gossiping about your daughter
YABU to assume that if you gossip with them, they won't gossip with others
YANBU to be annoyed about it though
Private stuff should be kept private
Time to cut the gossip to prevent anything like this happening again

I agree they shouldn’t have gossiped but you shouldn’t have shared either. You’ve taken that feedback on the chin so fair play. It sounds like you’re doing a great job.

One thing that did leap out was you said that your daughter is open with her friends and isn’t ashamed. I would just counsel her to maybe not be quite so open. Speaking from bitter experience, this is intimate stuff and she may regret sharing with ‘friends’ who may use this against her later.

The OP told four women while chatting over dinner.

Friends she had known for many years and in context of a private conversation, not an announcement to read all about it and gossip with others.

If you tell four people anything, no matter who they are, it is now no longer a secret. You either accept that, or you don't gossip in the first place.

And not only did she gossip to four women (over drinks) she didn't even ask them to keep it in confidence, not that they would have.

She told four women something private about her child. She has stated she won't do that again. Here's hoping that's true.

15 year olds can’t have ‘adult’ relationships! You can’t stop someone thinking badly of a parent who thinks it’s ok for their 15 year old daughter to be having underage sex. I agree with the dads btw. It’s just a shame it got back to you. Ps lots of people will think you’re not the best parents if you think underage sex is acceptable/ allowyour child and their boyfriend to engage in a physical relationship in your home.

Also people talk! Keep private information private .

"Gossip" is not a word I would use in that context about one's own daughter unless the details were salacious. All she said was that her daughter was in a grown up relationship, with trusted friends, in the context of a conversation, and she did not go into chapter and verse about it. That should not be a subject of tittle tattle for a grown man hearing it second hand, nor an opportunity to criticise parenting. Nor should it be massively surprising to anyone living in the real world that a teenager of that age might be in a sexual relationship.

Its clear you have accepted you were off the the mark OP by sharing this info about your DD. However I feel really uncomfortable that one of the DHs would contact another to share this info. Id be tempted to msg the friend whose DH has blabbed

”Hi, i have been made aware that the information i shared recently about DDs relationship has been shared with others by your DH. First and foremost, I realise that i have made a huge error in judgement sharing such personal information about DD, as her privacy has been breached and I am ultimately responsible for that. I am mortified that i shared this in the first place and I guess now that DD is growing up I need to put boundaries in place over what i can reasonaly share with others about my kids.

That aside, I am shocked at the nature of what your DH shared about DD. Regardless of my role in sharing this info with the group, it sits very uncomfortably with me that a grown man sees fit to let others know via text msg that my teen is sexually active. I have learnt my lesson, and I hope your DH can equally reflect on how inappropriate it is for him to pass this info around like gossip.”

This is excellent, and exactly what I am tempted to send. Thank you

Yuck, I wouldn't be trusting those dads around my DD.

Gossip, definition: Idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.

The OP was gossiping about her daughter's personal, private affairs with four women while having a few drinks.

The OP seems to think it is a very big deal that the women she gossiped to went on to gossip to others, so clearly she does think it's a big deal that people know this.

I think the men discussing it is weird and gross, but I do wonder if they are more discussing the OPs parenting, which I have not commented on one way or the other. I am glad my daughter was not having sex at 15, as I feel that is too young to handle the complexities of a sexual relationship. And yes am quite sure of that as she is now 24 and has told me her first time details.

I would never have told a single soul if she was having sex at 15 however, not out of any shame or because it is particularly unusual, but because it would not have been my place to gossip about her, as it was not the OPs place to gossip about her daughter.

Hopefully she will not do so again.

Jesus what an unnecessary slating you're getting OP!

My friends and I talk about all kinds of intimate things, and the conversation ALWAYS stays within our own group. How the hell are we supposed to talk through difficult topics if we can't trust the people who are supposed to care about us, and we about them?

A friend of mine has had this very conversation with our group of mates. It's a precarious issue for a mum to navigate, and all of us would cut off our arm before we broke confidence.

You have every right to be upset by such a betrayal. If a friend of mine wanted my DH to know something she can drop in and tell him herself, bloody hell!

I'd be absolutely raging if I was the daughter. You are obviously calmer than me.

Yeah, it's genuinely a real betrayal for a mother to gossip to four women over drinks about her daughter's sexual behaviour like this. I am glad loads of people have pointed that out and that the OP seems to have taken it on board.

Can anyone tell me a logical reason why two men should discuss a 15-year-old girls sex life.

I just asked my 15-year-old how she'd feel if she was the daughter in this scenario and she said she'd be livid and would never trust me with anything so personal again.

The trouble is that once you tell someone you have no control of where it goes next. You thought it was ok to share, the other mother thought it was ok to share with husband maybe opening a discussion about their DD, then he thinks it's ok to discuss with his friend. Maybe nasty gossip but maybe thought provoking and discussing how they'd react with their child.

Once it's out of the box it has a life of its own. Not a bad lesson to learn and thankfully your Dd is ok with it.

Or why 4 women would.

Going by the things my DD told me about her high school, your daughter is definitely not the exception. It’s exceedingly common.