PIL have booked our holiday

[zara8775]

So, I’m not sure if I’m being oversensitive here, but this has really annoyed me. My husband and I went on a lovely holiday last year with our two kids – first proper break since having them – to a small, quiet resort in Greece. We loved it so much we’ve already booked to go again this summer. We’d mentioned this to his parents in passing, as you do, but didn’t go into loads of detail.

Fast forward to last weekend, MIL calls to say they’ve also booked a trip… to the exact same resort. Same dates, same hotel. Apparently, they thought it sounded lovely, so they decided to “tag along.” I honestly don’t know how to feel.

It’s not like we dislike them or anything, but part of what we loved about this place was how peaceful it was – no obligations, no one else to consider. Now I feel like our relaxing family holiday is turning into a big extended-family trip we didn’t ask for. DH thinks it’s “nice” they want to come and says it’ll be “fine,” but I’m fuming. I just feel like they’ve trampled over our plans and didn’t even ask us first.

AIBU to think they should’ve at least checked with us before booking? Or am I overreacting? I need to know if I’m being petty before I make this into A Thing…

What's your relationship like with them? Could you have an honest conversation with them and say "We don't get much time just the four of us, so I wouldn't have agreed to anyone joining our family holiday. I'm quite upset that you booked without checking with us first as we would have said no, and there's nothing personal in that. I'm sure we'll all have a lovely time this year but please don't do this again."

And if they turn around and say they discussed it with DH, then you can kill him stone dead.

That’s nuts. But how lucky were they to find the exact same flight from the exact same airport to the exact same hotel on the exact same dates with only a vague general conversation about the holiday to go on. It’s like a miracle they were able to do it…unless…unless…

I would change dates. It will be a different sort of holiday with them there. Inviting yourself on someone else's holiday is very unreasonable. I would tell them that you are planning to change the dates and tell them that they should have discussed this with you before booking the same holiday as you wanted a romantic holiday not an extended family holiday

Gosh, what a massive violation of boundaries.

Actually, yeah, feck forced politeness. Change your dates and tell them (nicely) why. Don't leave that conversation to your DH as he'll clearly fuck it up.

Just seen 2 kids so omit the romantic bit!

I appreciate you trying to find a positive spin on it – I really do! And yes, in theory, they’re the kind of in-laws who’d happily help with the kids. I’m sure they’d offer to babysit so we could have a night off, which would be lovely.

The problem is, I’d feel obligated to spend more time with them in return, so it’d probably end up cancelling out any “break” we got! They’re lovely people, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like they’d want to make it more of a group holiday than we’d like.

I’m still gutted, though. It’s hard to shake the feeling that our little family holiday has been hijacked, even if their intentions were good.

Change your dates but definitely don't tell your PILs! They will find out the hard way.

It's done now.
Set very clear boundaries for the holiday.
Give them some baby sitting duties.
Perhaps the children can sit with them on the plane and you and your DH can have a snooze
Be very clear that on x, you days you are doing what you want, alone as you would if it were just DH and you.
Make sure they are worn out by the end and don't want to repeat it.

Arrange for them to have the children for a long weekend a few months later so you and your dh can go away.

If he was involved, I assume yiur DH's balls will ache for a very long time.

Definitely change the dates. And don’t tell them the new date!

Posts like these make me think that my child-free friend is maybe onto something (in terms on not being anybody's PIL in later life), that is the first thought and second thought is dils are more horrible than sils.

Are you planning to inherit? If yes, your post is truly horrible.

I’d be really pissed off. So rude of them.
Tbh, even if they asked first, that would be inappropriate too! If you’d have wanted them to come, you would have invited them.

I don’t think it’s a ‘why are men like this’ because it’s really not normal for anyone to agree their parents can tag along to a holiday without their partner knowing or agreeing. You can and should expect better from your husband. If he is always throwing you under the bus to avoid confrontation with his parents, then I’d be asking why he’d consistently rather his wife be unhappy than his parents. You should be a team where you put each other first, and if his parents are unhappy about that, they can deal with it.

Even if you lose money, it’s worth it. He won’t have your back and even you agree on certain boundaries in advance, I’d have no faith that when PIL come knocking on your door on a day you’d agreed you’d be separate, he’ll just agree they can come along anyway. It’s worth the extra money not for you to be stressed the whole time.

I'd definitely have a sense of humour failure over this...

On the other hand...free babysitters so I could have a few romantic dinners with my husband while grandparents babysit?

You one of two (irritating) choices - change your dates and deal with the hurt feelings/fall out with everyone or make the best of it and get the grandparents to help out as much as possible with the kids - in short - treat them like free childcare. I get it's a tad passive aggressive but it might take the shine off the holiday (of course if they do it cheerfully then you really are screwed !).

Going forward, tell DH that if he discusses your holiday's with his parents again he has to make it clear that the four of you are going away alone. Nobody comes along.

Oh I'd be fuming at this too, what an absolutely bonkers thing for them to do! I'd change the dates and not tell them.

The only other option is go ahead but make it so they won’t want to come again. Spare room key for granny & grandpa’s room just in case. Kids are up at 5am? Hey! Kids! Why don’t you go and jump on Granny’s bed! Sure she would love to play!!

Every afternoon leave Granny and Grandpa to “enjoy the kids” as you know that’s why they’re here. Make sure they’ve had an ice cream and a fizzy juice first.

Sign MIL up to all the activities “to make the most of it!” Aqua aerobics, karaoke, water polo.

If in laws really into culture and history, take them to lots of busy holiday resort bars & drink a Tequila Sunrise for breakfast. If they enjoy a “brits abroad” drinking holiday get everyone up at 6.30am for long tours of historical sites and tell them off for not wearing their head sets.

Buy some noise cancelling headphones & pretend you’re learning Greek on Duolingo. Refuse to speak in English to “help them learn”.

As a MIL I cringe at this, I'm so anxious not to intrude.
I think they must have mentioned it to your DH.

I wouldn't cancel the holiday though unless you want to make a permanent rift.

The op doesn’t owe her parent in laws her holiday just because she married their son! And what on earth does an inheritance have to do with anything, or do you believe any money the older generation have should be used as emotional blackmail to dictate your children’s private lives and personal free time?

How has someone unilaterally deciding to join a holiday they've not been on anything to do with inheritance.

OP sounds like she gets on ok with her in laws and sees them regularly. Why is she not allowed a holiday in the format she chooses? Why do her in law's preferences take priority? And if they thought she'd be ok with it, why didn't they say something first?

You're not being petty at all. It is very rude of them not to run this past you first but to spring it on you once it is a fait accompli. Do they often overstep or is this the first time?

Definitely switch dates. This is not the holiday you planned or signed off on.

Also you need to really talk to your husband, maybe with an hour of couples therapy . He cannot throw you under the bus like that. If that’s recurring behavior it must be tackled or you need to draw other consequences.

If they are lovely people, it's unlikely that they simply imposed themselves on you without checking first. Like PP, I would not be surprised if the arrangements were discussed with your DH.
They may not even realise you didn't know.

Have read all your posts but for me you should be asking your husband outright and don't bother trying to trick him. If you are happy to I would compromise and see if you or they could change your dates to - at best - only have a partial overlap. I think you need to be as clear as you can possibly be why you are upset so that your line in the sand is drawn.

If you were crystal clear with your husband about what you liked so much about the last holiday - and he was involved with them in coming - I think you again need to ask for an explanation as to why he decided to go behind your back to create a holiday you wouldn't like. I would be asking him when is booking your actually agreed holiday then and how he intends to pay for it .

You have said that he done things in the past to please them over you. My experience is that this doesn't change unless you put down deal breaker boundaries. Or you learn to live with it. I wonder if you have had such a blatant, expense example to use in the past or if it's been bitty things? You are right, this is big

Oh dear. I imagine they probably meant well but it was out of order booking it without even asking. I would be quite unhappy if anybody I knew booked the same holiday as me without asking (or even if they asked - it's an awkward question).

We holiday with our son and his partner sometimes, but I would never decide to just join a holiday they had booked for the two of them.

Your DH will need to be clear with them that you want time to yourselves to relax as a family so you won't be spending the whole week together.

Are they British, OP? Mine aren't and this is exactly the sort of thing that seems to be considered normal behaviour in their culture 🥴
In fact DH and I were married about 3 years before we managed to go on a holiday just the two of us - not necessarily because they would invite themselves along every time but because they would schedule in (and book and - admittedly generously - pay for) family holidays with them a year in advance usually in a rainy British town in March before we had planned anything on our own, and it would take up all the annual leave that we didn't need for other life admin!
I had to be very blunt with them in the end and it definitely hurt their feelings. My advice would be nip this in the bud before it becomes a regular twice yearly thing 😵‍💫