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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL have booked our holiday

373 replies

zara8775 · 27/01/2025 09:47

So, I’m not sure if I’m being oversensitive here, but this has really annoyed me. My husband and I went on a lovely holiday last year with our two kids – first proper break since having them – to a small, quiet resort in Greece. We loved it so much we’ve already booked to go again this summer. We’d mentioned this to his parents in passing, as you do, but didn’t go into loads of detail.

Fast forward to last weekend, MIL calls to say they’ve also booked a trip… to the exact same resort. Same dates, same hotel. Apparently, they thought it sounded lovely, so they decided to “tag along.” I honestly don’t know how to feel.

It’s not like we dislike them or anything, but part of what we loved about this place was how peaceful it was – no obligations, no one else to consider. Now I feel like our relaxing family holiday is turning into a big extended-family trip we didn’t ask for. DH thinks it’s “nice” they want to come and says it’ll be “fine,” but I’m fuming. I just feel like they’ve trampled over our plans and didn’t even ask us first.

AIBU to think they should’ve at least checked with us before booking? Or am I overreacting? I need to know if I’m being petty before I make this into A Thing…

OP posts:
Cattery · 27/01/2025 10:23

I’d be fucked off

DataColour · 27/01/2025 10:23

I'd hate it.

Original poster
zara8775 · 27/01/2025 10:25

ForRealCat · 27/01/2025 09:53

I would put money on them having checked with your DH first, but he doesn't want a row. Can you speak to the hotel and shift your dates? I think if you even suggest this your DH will fess up

I hadn’t even thought of that, but now you’ve said it, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he’d agreed to this behind my back to avoid a confrontation. He’s always so keen to keep the peace with them, even if it means throwing me under the bus.

I might look into changing the dates just to see what he says. If he’s been in on it, I’m sure he’ll panic at the thought of me moving things around. Not sure we can even switch now without losing money, but I’m tempted to give it a go just to get to the bottom of this. Why are men like this?!

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 27/01/2025 10:26

I adore my PIL, they're like second parents to me and wonderful grandparents to my DC who also adore them. We've had lovely trips away with them in the past.

I would be furious in your shoes. Absolutely fuming.

PhilomenaPunk · 27/01/2025 10:26

I would change the dates or cancel. How rude of them.

justanotherchangeofname · 27/01/2025 10:27

Yep I'd be changing my dates and explaining to the PIL that although you know they did it from a good place, you have one family holiday a year and that it's needed to spend quality time with your husband and kids (preferably DH should be saying that!)

I love my PILS but after one summer holiday with them, I've refused any "hints" or outright discussions about it happening again, it was too much.

Mnetcurious · 27/01/2025 10:27

Yanbu at all. You can like/love your in-laws (or even your own parents) and not want to spend your family holiday with them. I’d be so cross! Lesson learned never to tell them the holiday dates or destination in future. I’d also make it clear that you need plenty of time as just your own little family so will eat meals/spend time with them for eg two days of the holiday but on the other days you’ll be doing your own thing.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 27/01/2025 10:27

If they had asked you beforehand would you have had the heart to say no?

I mean, they should have ran it past you both first. Would it mean you would have some help with DC and you would get to spend some time on your own?

The resort, does it have more than 1 bar/restaurant, more than 1 pool?

It would be my idea of hell, i've done it once and ended up doing everything to please MIL so it wasn't like my holiday.

On another note, where was it? I have been looking at Greece and just want a nice resort

Dearg · 27/01/2025 10:29

I think you have a good approach there Op. Talk to your DH about changing and watch the reaction.
My own husband found it hard to say No to his parents when we were first married, but after a few outings with them , without me, he realised he needed to discuss things first. Didn’t stop MIL overstepping but at least he knew where I stood

Disturbia81 · 27/01/2025 10:29

IggyAce · 27/01/2025 09:51

YANBU it would have been nice for them to run it past you, my idea of hell is an extended family holiday.
I’d probably set expectations now and state you are disappointed that they didn’t think to check and that you will only be available for a group activity/meal once or twice during the holiday and that you expected them to do their own thing the rest of the time.

This

Kitchensinktoday · 27/01/2025 10:30

, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he’d agreed to this behind my back to avoid a confrontation. He’s always so keen to keep the peace with them, even if it means throwing me under the bus.

I have this problem with my SIL, and DH would rather upset me than her ...... I would be livid OP, and would definitely be looking to change dates

Justmuddlingalong · 27/01/2025 10:31

I would go this once. But, if it spoils your holiday in any way, bring it up to DH and tell him under no circumstances will it be happening again.
Try not to decide you're going to hate it before you've got there.

Disturbia81 · 27/01/2025 10:31

Yeah I'd see if you can change the dates!

heyhopotato · 27/01/2025 10:32

RIPVPROG · 27/01/2025 09:55

I wouldn't mind but my PIL are really nice, wouldn't expect to spend the whole time with us and would definitely take DS off our hands for an evening or two so we could go out as a couple

If they're really nice they wouldn't do it without talking to you in the first place.

jolies1 · 27/01/2025 10:32

zara8775 · 27/01/2025 10:25

I hadn’t even thought of that, but now you’ve said it, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he’d agreed to this behind my back to avoid a confrontation. He’s always so keen to keep the peace with them, even if it means throwing me under the bus.

I might look into changing the dates just to see what he says. If he’s been in on it, I’m sure he’ll panic at the thought of me moving things around. Not sure we can even switch now without losing money, but I’m tempted to give it a go just to get to the bottom of this. Why are men like this?!

Show quote history

Can you try an excuse first to see the reaction? “Oh, Linda says I can’t have that week off work after all but it’s ok, I checked and only a £100 admin fee to change the date. So sad about missing your mum and dad but sure they will have a nice time. Anyway, what shall we have for dinner?”

Ellie56 · 27/01/2025 10:34

I hadn’t even thought of that, but now you’ve said it, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he’d agreed to this behind my back to avoid a confrontation. He’s always so keen to keep the peace with them, even if it means throwing me under the bus.

So if he had done this you need to go totally apeshit at him and make life so uncomfortable for him that he knows in future that it is infinitely more preferable to upset his parents rather than you.

Then tell him to change the dates and tell his parents they won't be holidaying with you after all.

justanotherchangeofname · 27/01/2025 10:35

Another perspective about having babysitting and help, I thought this would be the case when I agreed to PIL coming with us.

They're fantastic grandparents and love having the kids so it wasn't out of the realms of possibility that we'd maybe get a night to ourselves. I was also assuming we'd all be quite flexible and spend some time with them and some time separately.

Well none of that happened and it was clear from day 1 that the expectation was that every minute of every day, every meal, every drink and every activity would be spent together. I tried to push back on this but DP didn't want to upset his dad!

Personally, I can't spend that much time with my own family or anyone for that matter 🥴

I honestly wouldn't consider this unless you know for certain that you can control the amount of time spent together

RIPVPROG · 27/01/2025 10:35

heyhopotato · 27/01/2025 10:32

If they're really nice they wouldn't do it without talking to you in the first place.

Show quote history

No we'd be more likely to invite them, but threads like these also remind me I'm probably one of few extroverts on Mumsnet who genuinely loves being around people. I open the door without knowing who's there, our families all have our door keys and just pop in whenever, it's always more the merrier and DH and I are both fine with that

caramac04 · 27/01/2025 10:35

You definitely need to manage expectations now. Say you want time as a nuclear family on certain days, maybe agree to spend a day or two , maximum and not consecutive, with them. If kids are happy to be babysat then that’s a possible but I’m sure you don’t want that every day. Is there a chance you could plan excursions, activities with/without them to structure time spent together/apart.
I feel for you OP, this clearly isn’t the holiday you planned.

ttcat37 · 27/01/2025 10:36

I’d move it and not tell him. Not until it’s far too late for them to change too.

Pigsinblankets13 · 27/01/2025 10:37

Oh fudging hell I'd be fuming!!!
Who does that!

LostTheMarble · 27/01/2025 10:38

I’d be straight on to the booking and changing the dates. Nothing wrong with an extended family holiday when all booked together and agreed upon, but this is sneaky, invasive behaviour. If you put up with it once, you’ll be blindsided by this sort of behaviour again in the future. Your husband absolutely gave them full details, whether he encouraged them to actually come along is another matter but either way he has dug himself into a right hole with both you and them.

Original poster
zara8775 · 27/01/2025 10:38

Honestly, I’m leaning towards cancelling or changing the dates too – I just feel like they’ve overstepped here, and it’s really put a sour taste on the whole thing.

If they had asked, I probably wouldn’t have said no outright, but I might’ve suggested different dates or even a different resort nearby. It’s not that I don’t want to see them ever – just not on our holiday! And you’re right, I feel like I’d end up spending the whole time trying to keep MIL happy, and that’s not what I want.

The resort does have a few bars/restaurants and more than one pool, but it’s a fairly small place, so I know we’d end up bumping into them constantly. It’s meant to be our relaxing escape, not a big family event.

As for where it is – it’s a little spot in Crete. Absolutely lovely, quiet, and great for families. But maybe stay clear if your MIL is like mine!

OP posts:
MammaTo · 27/01/2025 10:40

I love my in laws but I’d still be so gutted if this happened, however are they the type that might ease a bit of the burden while you’re away? Could you get a sneaky night off for a child free meal while they watched the kids, I’m just trying to find a silver lining for you 😂

MultilingualMummy · 27/01/2025 10:43

I would cancel the holiday and absolutely let my DH have it. Your in laws need to get a life.

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