PIL have booked our holiday

[zara8775]

So, I’m not sure if I’m being oversensitive here, but this has really annoyed me. My husband and I went on a lovely holiday last year with our two kids – first proper break since having them – to a small, quiet resort in Greece. We loved it so much we’ve already booked to go again this summer. We’d mentioned this to his parents in passing, as you do, but didn’t go into loads of detail.

Fast forward to last weekend, MIL calls to say they’ve also booked a trip… to the exact same resort. Same dates, same hotel. Apparently, they thought it sounded lovely, so they decided to “tag along.” I honestly don’t know how to feel.

It’s not like we dislike them or anything, but part of what we loved about this place was how peaceful it was – no obligations, no one else to consider. Now I feel like our relaxing family holiday is turning into a big extended-family trip we didn’t ask for. DH thinks it’s “nice” they want to come and says it’ll be “fine,” but I’m fuming. I just feel like they’ve trampled over our plans and didn’t even ask us first.

AIBU to think they should’ve at least checked with us before booking? Or am I overreacting? I need to know if I’m being petty before I make this into A Thing…

My in laws did this, turned out DH had said 'I'm sure it will be fine, I'll check with Mamajong and let you know' and then forgot. They assumed as they'd had no negative response it was OK, first I heard was after they booked.

Fortunately they are lovely and fairly easy to get along with, though limited mobility posed a few issues. I'm a bit antisocial on holiday and don't even like going with friends as holidays are expensive and I like to be selfish with our family time, but by setting out some boundaries ahead of time (namely that we would be making our own plans some days that weren't suitable for them such as hiring bikes) it was fine. On the plus side, they watched the kids are few times so DH and I could have a solo night out dancing and also have couples massages and having extra eyes on the kids was definitely a bonus.

Sorry for the confusion, must have said it wrong. What I mean is that unless dils expressly state 'we don't like you, don't want to have anything to do with you or your inheritance, shove it', there is a common decency expectation that dils or sils must do something nice for their pils in return, no? Otherwise it is all take-take-take. Grab and take. That is what I meant. I was delighted to take my pils on holiday and pay for them (no inheritance, they were poor), but I was so grateful for the way they brought up their son, I wish I could have done more for them.
The OP post screams 'imposition, what an imposition!' and it just feels nasty, horrible and, if they will inherit, money-grabbing in that sense. Non-reciprocal. Realistically, how many more holidays will they be able to 'spoil' for the precious dil before they are too old to travel to the scorching Greece? Seriously?

Your husband definitely had a hand in this or at least knew in advance . Next year don’t tell them when you are going unless of course they surprise you by being brilliant this year , you never know .

if you agreed to take your PIL away that is fine. That was your decision.

It certainly doesnt mean all adult children must holiday with their parents.
Nor does it mean that PIL should join their adults childrens holidays uninvited.

But you are just going along with this. Dont ‘make him pay’ with some passive aggression, talk to him. Ask him what exactly was he/his parents thinking when they decided to overstep your plans? I’m not sure what your personal circumstances are, but most people can only afford one ‘big’ holiday as a family a year (if that), and this one has already been dampened months before it’s even started. Don’t underestimate how brewing resentment can affect things, you don’t have to suck up your feelings - just be open and honest about why they’ve all gone about this is wrong. If you don’t at least put it out in the open, I can assure you this will not be the last time it happens, this is the waters being tested.

I wouldn't be agreeing to going along with it just yet OP.

This isn’t about you or an inheritance. Give it a rest.

I think you’re absolutely right – next time, they’re getting no details whatsoever! I’ve definitely learned my lesson there. It’s just not something you do without at least running it past people first – I can’t get my head around how they thought this was fine.

I did ask my partner if he’d spoken to them about it, and he’s adamant he didn’t agree to anything. He seems just as surprised as I was, though I still have a niggling feeling he might’ve said something without realising how it’d come across. Either way, he’s brushing it off as “not a big deal,” which is driving me mad. I’m annoyed enough as it is without him acting like I’m overreacting!

OP, while it is nice to make the best of it as in your last post, I think actually you need to address this.

Talk to dh and check if he knew, if he agreed, if they asked or if they pushed, or if he just couldn't say no etc, find out what happened.

Then talk to PIL. You need to say to them that you were surprised that they booked this without asking for the same week. That it felt quite intrusive for them to assume that it was OK for them to tag along on your holiday.

Then see what happens next. If dh was in on it, then you need to work something out with him, and set clear expectations for the future. If he was NOT in on it, then I would have no hesitation in saying to PIL, lovely as it is, we are going to change our dates.

one compromise would be to change dates so that you overlap for some time but not the whole holiday.

Honestly, I would pay to change the dates to avoid this, and I have been on holiday with my parents and with PIL but by choice. I would feel so unhappy with this holiday and it would ruin it for me.

If he genuinely had nothing to do with it then change the dates, I would at least see how easy that would be to do.

How did they know what dates you were going?

This is why I don’t tell my PIL anything, last year I mentioned to MIL something me, my mum and DD were doing together, she immediately said “i’ll book it for all us” and completely took over. Now when she asks what we’re up to I just reply “not a lot” she probs thinks i’m really boring 🤣

We had a big holiday parents and in laws last year and though it wasn't completely awful I didn't feel relaxed. Highlights included my MIL moving my stuff at the dinner table so she could sit next to the baby, nagging me about the kids not eating and falling out with me for 2 days, over what I'm still not sure (may have been because I told her to stop faffing about food when the kids are clearly just going to eat pizza and ice cream for a week and I'm fine with that).

We didn't get much babysitting, they just followed us around for a week. In hindsight we should have been more forthright about this.

I've refused to follow the same pattern for 10 years and have not included them this year. They are upset, which I understand, but I'm not spending all my kids younger years being guilted into something I don't want to do at 5k a time.

There's not an easy solution - but I'd be tempted to suck it up this year then just not tell them next year until shortly before.

Your DH didn't have to agree to anything.

He did however clearly give them the dates and location of your holiday and didn't say "Please don't book for the same time that @zara8775 and I are there".

Go online and try to rejig your dates, even if they overlap you won't end up spending your whole holiday in their company.

It’s possible to adore your PIL and not want to go on holiday with them.

I love my MIL and DH and I treat her like a queen when stays with us. Meals at home, meals out, theatre trips, I know her tastes so buy her clothes and toiletries as she has reduced mobility. (DH does the bulk and takes time off work, but I like to help too).

BUT I don’t enjoy going away with PIL. DH has but it’s not my thing, my idea of a holiday is different. It’s my precious time away from work, I don’t want to spend it compromising.

Definitely try to move dates. I guarantee your dh has had more to do with this than he's letting on.

That’s a good point – if he genuinely had no part in this, then I don’t see why we shouldn’t look into changing the dates. I might check with the hotel to see what the options are. At this point, it feels like the only way to get back the holiday we actually wanted!

As for how they knew the dates, I’m guessing it must’ve come up when we were talking about it. We didn’t give them a full itinerary or anything, but I think we mentioned when we’d booked while we were chatting about holidays. In hindsight, I wish we’d been a lot more vague!

I don't believe him, and would definitely check how much it would cost to move the dates, and tell him you're doing that.

“unless dils expressly state 'we don't like you, don't want to have anything to do with you or your inheritance, shove it', there is a common decency expectation that dils or sils must do something nice for their pils in return, no?”

You know there’s a middle ground between telling people you dislike them and going on holiday with them when you don’t want to?

See them regularly, invite them round for lunch at the weekend, spend Christmas with them, take them out for their birthday, etc etc etc. All things we do for my PIL.
I notice you make this about the DIL - my husband wouldn’t want to holiday with his parents probably more than me. What about the actual children who stand to inherit - are they obliged to go on holiday with their parents? Your posts are so ridiculous, it’s nothing at all to do with inheritance.

I'd be really Annoyed a holiday should be a sanctuary. I remember being gutted once when a client said they had booked issue resort as us (total coincidence) I was their childminder so I could practically see their eyes light up. We arrived two days before them and day one I got a text asking me to check a couple of things with reception. I'm switched my phone off and totally ignored it. We booked day trips for days 4 and 5 and did a beach day day 6. In the end it was fine.

But this worse I would change the dates or book a couple of trips without telling them. Do a couple of days with them and asked them to have kids a couple days.

I'd also expect your dh to have a word that they really should have checked first.

I wonder how your dh would feel if it was your family?

YANBU and I would be annoyed too. But I think you’ll have to try and make the best of it. Just say ‘Lovely, then you can look after DC so DH and I can enjoy some time on our own’. Either they’ll go with it and you get some child free time or they’ll reschedule / stay out of your way.

Nope, it's as rude as fuck to do this. My parents did it to friends of theirs, a couple who had no children at the time, when I was about 12. I can still feel the embarrassment I felt then when they told them.... like a mid 20 year old couple want to spend a week with a family of five!

I wouldn't do it unless I was directly asked by the original bookers to come along. I'd also try to make sure that all in the original booking party was happy with the idea...

Over lap the dates or you will seem nasty.
I hope it ends up fine and the PIL enjoy relaxation mostly to themselves unless you ask them to babysit.

Just remember not to share details about holidays with anyone again.

I’m starting to feel the same, to be honest. Something about it just doesn’t add up, does it? I think I will look into changing the dates and let him know I’m doing it – if he starts getting cagey or defensive, that’ll tell me all I need to know.

I’ll have a chat with the hotel and see how much it would cost to move things around. If it’s not too pricey, I’d rather just switch and avoid the awkwardness altogether. If he’s been involved in this and hasn’t told me, well… let’s just say he’ll regret it!

I’d be tempted to change the dates without saying a word until it was done, just like they did. But that’d probably cause ongoing problems. But I think you have to tell them you prefer to go to this place alone because if they also like it there this could happen every time you want to go there

You’re right – it’s done now, so I guess I just need to make the best of it. Setting boundaries is a good idea, though I feel like that could be tricky.

Er, why are you just accepting this OP?

You don't seem to have the opportunity to go on many breaks - why on earth would you just accept this?

You don't want to go on big extended family break. You wanted to go with your close family on a small relaxing break. It's not the holiday you had planned at all.

Would I fuck accept this,otherwise it sends the signal it's fine.

Do you really want to set this precedent for next year?

I don't understand why you aren't just having a lol and telling DH that's not the holiday you agreed to, so what shall you do about it? Cancel altogether or change the dates? Which would he prefer?

Instead, you seem to just be accepting it - as if his reaction, and their actions, are fine.

If you want to send that message, fine, but don't be surprised when the same happens again.