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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL have booked our holiday

373 replies

zara8775 · 27/01/2025 09:47

So, I’m not sure if I’m being oversensitive here, but this has really annoyed me. My husband and I went on a lovely holiday last year with our two kids – first proper break since having them – to a small, quiet resort in Greece. We loved it so much we’ve already booked to go again this summer. We’d mentioned this to his parents in passing, as you do, but didn’t go into loads of detail.

Fast forward to last weekend, MIL calls to say they’ve also booked a trip… to the exact same resort. Same dates, same hotel. Apparently, they thought it sounded lovely, so they decided to “tag along.” I honestly don’t know how to feel.

It’s not like we dislike them or anything, but part of what we loved about this place was how peaceful it was – no obligations, no one else to consider. Now I feel like our relaxing family holiday is turning into a big extended-family trip we didn’t ask for. DH thinks it’s “nice” they want to come and says it’ll be “fine,” but I’m fuming. I just feel like they’ve trampled over our plans and didn’t even ask us first.

AIBU to think they should’ve at least checked with us before booking? Or am I overreacting? I need to know if I’m being petty before I make this into A Thing…

OP posts:
diddl · 27/01/2025 17:21

Frankly, I'd be taking advantage of the evening babysitting.

What if there isn't any?

For me a week of evening babysitting wouldn't be worth a week away with the ILs!

Same would have applied to my parents as well.

Elissaisnotmyname · 27/01/2025 17:23

Gowlett · 27/01/2025 15:30

I bet they did mention it to DH…

I think they did as well

friendlycat · 27/01/2025 17:44

I would be furious too as it just changes the dynamic of the holiday that you have booked and are looking forward to.

Realistically you are going to have to attempt to find out from your DH whether he gave them the dates and the thumbs up to book the holiday. As this is rather key here.

Then you will have to decide, after you've got the truth, what you are going to do about it.

Is it better to go ahead, laying out some boundaries, and accepting help with the children and some babysitting? You do say you get on with them and like them.

Or do you want to see if you can change the dates of your own holiday with all the ramifications that will bring?

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 18:07

Lucielastik · 27/01/2025 16:14

It’s tricky isn’t it; you’re quite right to feel annoyed but I think that to change the dates could escalate the situation and damage family relationships going forward. They didn’t act out of malice, but were thoughtless and will be very hurt if you deliberately go ahead and change the dates, making it very clear you don’t want to spend time with them, without at least having some chat with them first They are also your husband’s parents and it is his holiday as much as yours so it may be better to try to make the best of things

Why does OP have to make the best of things when they were the ones who are rudely invading a holiday without permission? If people are going to be that rude, they shouldn't be surprised if others don't roll over and comply. The trouble is the compliance and not causing a fuss is what they expect, and that's exactly how people like this get away with it.

Imisschampagne · 27/01/2025 18:31

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 18:07

Why does OP have to make the best of things when they were the ones who are rudely invading a holiday without permission? If people are going to be that rude, they shouldn't be surprised if others don't roll over and comply. The trouble is the compliance and not causing a fuss is what they expect, and that's exactly how people like this get away with it.

Show quote history

Absolutely! On Reddit there was this great analogy posting „don’t rock the boat“. Basically about one side always rocking the boat, seeing what they can get away with and the other side always balancing the situation out, not making a fuss, being „sensible“ in order to not escalate the situation and tip the boat over.

well, it only emboldens the other side to rock the boat even more and all passengers are basically evening out the rocking.

I would let the boat roll over. Honestly, if you want a martyr then go to church and pray to one. We cannot expect to always turn the other cheek and then expect such boat rockers to respect our boundaries. They won’t stop testing the waters until they get wet themselves.

LondonLawyer · 27/01/2025 18:36

I have in the past been away with DH and my in-laws, and my parents, DH and our sons, and it's worked well, BUT (and it is a big "but") it was always planned that way in the first place. And in each case had a particular focus, rather than a general holiday.

I'd be a bit alarmed surprised by the in-laws just annoucing that they were showing up like this. Might well be worth finding out whether DH is actually surprised, though? Has he either deliberately or accidentally agreed or encouraged them?

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 18:44

Imisschampagne · 27/01/2025 18:31

Absolutely! On Reddit there was this great analogy posting „don’t rock the boat“. Basically about one side always rocking the boat, seeing what they can get away with and the other side always balancing the situation out, not making a fuss, being „sensible“ in order to not escalate the situation and tip the boat over.

well, it only emboldens the other side to rock the boat even more and all passengers are basically evening out the rocking.

I would let the boat roll over. Honestly, if you want a martyr then go to church and pray to one. We cannot expect to always turn the other cheek and then expect such boat rockers to respect our boundaries. They won’t stop testing the waters until they get wet themselves.

Edited
Show quote history

I read the analogy on reddit, it's great! I've book marked it.

Imisschampagne · 27/01/2025 18:45

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 18:44

I read the analogy on reddit, it's great! I've book marked it.

Show quote history

Same! I love the analogy as well.

Freshflower · 27/01/2025 18:47

This sounds so annoying and very rude and strange. Who the hell does these things thinking it's OK. I can't get my head around why people are just not self aware or considerate of others feelings. Next time I'd just not mention anything to them at all about any holiday. I had to do that with things keep quiet about information about my private family life , MIL would copy my every move . It led to my mental health becoming very poor. Sometimes you need to nip things in the bud straight away so it doesn't become a thing

ifIwerenotanandroid · 27/01/2025 19:02

My first thought was that the OP should change the date or location of her holiday. But then, that would (a) cost her money & (b) allow the ILs to change to the same holiday as her once again, because OP will have to tell her DH to change his leave dates if she just changes the dates.

Is there a way of doing it so that the ILs change & OP doesn't? What if OP declares that she's managed to change the location of their holiday for exactly the same dates? She can tell everyone the new location, & presumably the ILs will rebook there, while OP & her family quietly go where they always planned to go.

Kitchensinktoday · 27/01/2025 19:15

Why does OP have to make the best of things when they were the ones who are rudely invading a holiday without permission?

Too right, the PILs kicked all this off, they cast the first stone, they don’t deserve a polite response!

GoldGuide · 27/01/2025 19:44

I like my inlaws but i still wouldn't be going. It's a total ambush. It's different if you're retired going away multiple times a year vs a much anticipated main trip away as a smaller family unit.

It's quite selfish of them to just insert themselves in tbh, even if they did get the green light from your DH.

cheddercherry · 27/01/2025 19:49

Yeah I’d be furious and I get on with my in laws but it totally changes the dynamic of the holiday and it wouldn’t be a switch off and chill but more like a “two more people to factor into everything who shouldn’t bloody be there anyway!”

No amount of babysitting (which tbh I don’t want on holiday anyway as for us the spending time together IS the holiday) would make the 99% rest of the time any more bearable.

The brass neck of people’s in-laws never ceases to amaze me though.

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/01/2025 19:53

Yanbu

We had a place we would visit yearly and it went from the in-laws visiting at the last day or two to suddenly our whole only holiday was suddenly this huge family gathering.

So it wasn’t a holiday for me or the children frankly dh didn’t mind since it’s his family.

I now book somewhere they won’t come and haven’t visited the other area in years now as they just ruined it by taking over. It meant even breakfast was a hassle as it was always waiting for everyone. A whole oh what is each group doing or we should all do the same thing and it was just tiring.

LondonLawyer · 28/01/2025 01:37

The in-laws haven't necessarily done anything wrong here - if my parents discussed coming on holiday with us, or I invited them, I don't think they'd check that with DH, they'd think that he was on board and happy about the whole thing. If he'd just mentioned it (we're going straight after the end of term to the place we went last year) and they booked it from that information and DH now feels awkward about saying anything, PIL are cheeky and pushy. It's not an in-laws thing either, I'd be very pissed off if a mate of mine did that too!

But if they asked DH and he said, "great idea!" or he invited them, PIL are in the clear from my point of view.

LondonLawyer · 28/01/2025 01:39

I went away for a week (also to Greece!) last summer with my sons and my Mum. DH and my Dad didn't fancy it, and didn't come. But I didn't spring it on DH, he couldn't make that week anyway when I first came across it, and it was a good deal because DS broke up a week before peak summer prices really kicked in. Mum didn't check DH was fine with being abandoned, I didn't check my Dad didn't mind being home alone, though.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/01/2025 08:55

LondonLawyer · 28/01/2025 01:37

The in-laws haven't necessarily done anything wrong here - if my parents discussed coming on holiday with us, or I invited them, I don't think they'd check that with DH, they'd think that he was on board and happy about the whole thing. If he'd just mentioned it (we're going straight after the end of term to the place we went last year) and they booked it from that information and DH now feels awkward about saying anything, PIL are cheeky and pushy. It's not an in-laws thing either, I'd be very pissed off if a mate of mine did that too!

But if they asked DH and he said, "great idea!" or he invited them, PIL are in the clear from my point of view.

OP's DH denies doing this. He says that he is as surprised as she is.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 28/01/2025 10:01

thepariscrimefiles · 28/01/2025 08:55

OP's DH denies doing this. He says that he is as surprised as she is.

Show quote history

He's lying.

Unless the OP is not being completely honest or telling the whole story, where on earth would they have got the exact dates from? It's possible they ARE choosing to only overlap by a few days and the OP has chosen not to reveal that, to make it seem worse than it is. But it's still not really acceptable to assume even that is okay, without saying 'would you mind if...' first. So someone in this scenario isn't being entirely truthful and my money is on the husband.

CasperGutman · 28/01/2025 10:23

We've been on holiday with the kids' grandparents (one set or the other) several times. We all get on well, and it's nice being able to leave the children with them and have a "date night" or a day out to something non-child friendly. But booking on without mentioning it to you is weird and rude, so YANBU.

2JFDIYOLO · 28/01/2025 10:40

Let it happen.

The kids will probably enjoy it.

And lay it on thick that you're so grateful to have them there to babysit while you and your husband go out together on date nights.

The GPs will probably enjoy it.

You might enjoy it.

But this does not change the fact that them gatecrashing your trip and him going along with it, presenting you with a fait accompli and pretending he didn't know is not happening again.

The only way they could have mysteriously booked same dates, resort, hotel & flights is if he was in on it.

Time for putting your foot down. In future,

Extended family holidays will be mutually agreed, not landed on your head.

YOUR family holiday will be just that - the four of you.

And he mans up, considers his wife and children first, and stands up to his parents. Wet blankets are not attractive.

123ZYX · 28/01/2025 11:09

2JFDIYOLO · 28/01/2025 10:40

Let it happen.

The kids will probably enjoy it.

And lay it on thick that you're so grateful to have them there to babysit while you and your husband go out together on date nights.

The GPs will probably enjoy it.

You might enjoy it.

But this does not change the fact that them gatecrashing your trip and him going along with it, presenting you with a fait accompli and pretending he didn't know is not happening again.

The only way they could have mysteriously booked same dates, resort, hotel & flights is if he was in on it.

Time for putting your foot down. In future,

Extended family holidays will be mutually agreed, not landed on your head.

YOUR family holiday will be just that - the four of you.

And he mans up, considers his wife and children first, and stands up to his parents. Wet blankets are not attractive.

Edited

If she says how grateful she is for babysitting, they'll assume she's happy that they gatecrashed and will do it again.

It's harder to do, but the only way for people to know they've done something to upset you is to clearly tell them.

MissDoubleU · 28/01/2025 11:22

2JFDIYOLO · 28/01/2025 10:40

Let it happen.

The kids will probably enjoy it.

And lay it on thick that you're so grateful to have them there to babysit while you and your husband go out together on date nights.

The GPs will probably enjoy it.

You might enjoy it.

But this does not change the fact that them gatecrashing your trip and him going along with it, presenting you with a fait accompli and pretending he didn't know is not happening again.

The only way they could have mysteriously booked same dates, resort, hotel & flights is if he was in on it.

Time for putting your foot down. In future,

Extended family holidays will be mutually agreed, not landed on your head.

YOUR family holiday will be just that - the four of you.

And he mans up, considers his wife and children first, and stands up to his parents. Wet blankets are not attractive.

Edited

Absolutely not, if she lets it happen OP will never be able to book a holiday ever again without the fear PIL will just tag along. She needs to speak up now or it’ll set a precedent.

This isn’t a holiday, it’s a hostage situation. PIL need told directly that if they wish to holiday together in future this needs discussed first. They cannot just piggy bag on your family plans any time they wish. Especially not a holiday you wish to enjoy as your own family.

sugarapplelane · 28/01/2025 13:29

Any update Op?
Had your DH confessed yet?
If I were you I would contact your In-laws and ask them how they knew your exact dates etc and take it from there.

Cavalierorwhat · 28/01/2025 16:45

I think you need a conversation with them. Calmly state that you were looking forward to a holiday with just the four of you. You’re just being honest and they need to consider your feelings. Pause and wait to hear their reaction. At this stage you’re not challenging them. Anything you do after this at least they’ll know why.

littlemisspigg · 28/01/2025 17:41

Don't turn it into A thing now....

But next time keep your Gob Shut, even from DH if need be....'Surprise' him if needed 😜😜