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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL have booked our holiday

373 replies

zara8775 · 27/01/2025 09:47

So, I’m not sure if I’m being oversensitive here, but this has really annoyed me. My husband and I went on a lovely holiday last year with our two kids – first proper break since having them – to a small, quiet resort in Greece. We loved it so much we’ve already booked to go again this summer. We’d mentioned this to his parents in passing, as you do, but didn’t go into loads of detail.

Fast forward to last weekend, MIL calls to say they’ve also booked a trip… to the exact same resort. Same dates, same hotel. Apparently, they thought it sounded lovely, so they decided to “tag along.” I honestly don’t know how to feel.

It’s not like we dislike them or anything, but part of what we loved about this place was how peaceful it was – no obligations, no one else to consider. Now I feel like our relaxing family holiday is turning into a big extended-family trip we didn’t ask for. DH thinks it’s “nice” they want to come and says it’ll be “fine,” but I’m fuming. I just feel like they’ve trampled over our plans and didn’t even ask us first.

AIBU to think they should’ve at least checked with us before booking? Or am I overreacting? I need to know if I’m being petty before I make this into A Thing…

OP posts:
NewLamp · 27/01/2025 14:48

Re not wanting to rock the boat. I've always liked this analogy

MyOliveCritic · 27/01/2025 14:50

Boffle · 27/01/2025 10:52

As a MIL I cringe at this, I'm so anxious not to intrude.
I think they must have mentioned it to your DH.

I wouldn't cancel the holiday though unless you want to make a permanent rift.

Same here !

QuimCarrey · 27/01/2025 14:56

thepariscrimefiles · 27/01/2025 11:51

You sound as though you are saying that there is an unwritten contract that DILs sign up to on marriage where they agree to accept without complaint anything that their PILs say and do if they don't want their PILs to cut off their own son from inheriting after their death?

And the only way to say no to any requests or expectations from PILs is for their DIL to tell them that she really doesn't like them and is relinquishing any future inheritance on behalf of her DH?

What absolutely weird views you have!

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The weirdest bit, I thought, was the section about how long before they're too old to travel. On the info given, PILs could easily be early 50s!

ScribblingPixie · 27/01/2025 14:57

zara8775 · 27/01/2025 11:42

I’m starting to feel the same, to be honest. Something about it just doesn’t add up, does it? I think I will look into changing the dates and let him know I’m doing it – if he starts getting cagey or defensive, that’ll tell me all I need to know.

I’ll have a chat with the hotel and see how much it would cost to move things around. If it’s not too pricey, I’d rather just switch and avoid the awkwardness altogether. If he’s been involved in this and hasn’t told me, well… let’s just say he’ll regret it!

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He organises for your PIL to come on holiday without properly discussing it with you. You say you're going to change the dates and "let him know you're doing it". The two of you need to communicate much better and make decisions together.

diddl · 27/01/2025 15:02

If he thinks a holiday with his parents would be nice then why doesn't he have one?

What does he think will be nice about having them on your main holiday?

Daleksatemyshed · 27/01/2025 15:07

Your DH may claim he didn't tell them but he has form Op, you say he's caved to his DPs before. It's very easy for him to say it will be OK but but he doesn't know that, he's desperately hoping and trying to avoid your wrath.
I'd make it clear to him that if you go and it's lovely for him but a disaster for you he will never hear the last of it

thepariscrimefiles · 27/01/2025 15:09

QuimCarrey · 27/01/2025 14:56

The weirdest bit, I thought, was the section about how long before they're too old to travel. On the info given, PILs could easily be early 50s!

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I agree!

AxolotlEars · 27/01/2025 15:13

They didn't discuss it with you because they didn't want you to say no. In my world that's really controlling

Mary46 · 27/01/2025 15:14

Just be clear this is not a yearly holiday as it gets set in stone. Be careful op..

LadyDanburysHat · 27/01/2025 15:14

AxolotlEars · 27/01/2025 15:13

They didn't discuss it with you because they didn't want you to say no. In my world that's really controlling

Or really bloody arrogant to think that you would be thrilled. But more likely controlling to get what they want.

vandel · 27/01/2025 15:23

They think you will be absolutely thrilled to go on holidays with them.

Their excitement at joining you is supposed to equal your joy about them being with you.

It's unthinking, presumptuous, and downright mad.

Gowlett · 27/01/2025 15:30

I bet they did mention it to DH…

TwigletsAndRadishes · 27/01/2025 15:31

zara8775 · 27/01/2025 10:25

I hadn’t even thought of that, but now you’ve said it, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he’d agreed to this behind my back to avoid a confrontation. He’s always so keen to keep the peace with them, even if it means throwing me under the bus.

I might look into changing the dates just to see what he says. If he’s been in on it, I’m sure he’ll panic at the thought of me moving things around. Not sure we can even switch now without losing money, but I’m tempted to give it a go just to get to the bottom of this. Why are men like this?!

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I imagine if you are quick, you can switch the dates for nothing more than a small admin fee. How about you do it and just present it to him as a fait accompli? After all, that's clearly what he and his parents have done to you. If your DH is going to pretend he just forgot to run it by you first, but what's the big deal anyway, then I'm sure he'll completely understand when it slips your mind to check with him first about moving the date, and what's the big deal anyway?

If you are feeling conciliatory you could see if they have more than one flight a week for that particular resort or package, and book just a few days earlier or later. That will give you a respectable amount of overlap (and some babysitting opportunities) without them hijacking your entire holiday.

ACynicalDad · 27/01/2025 15:32

Dependant on your relationship with them I'd change your dates, maybe overlap for 48 hours at the start of your holiday. Tell them later something came up at work, or one of you forgot to book your leave and can't go then.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 27/01/2025 15:48

Hwi · 27/01/2025 12:17

Got me wrong again - I was talking about basic human decency, that is all. Which precludes from 'take-take-take' and give fuck all - that is all. How many (realistically) holidays will these elderly people be able to go on with their dil together? This is likely the last one, considering everything - age, health, world affairs, etc. If the OP was saying - same shite every year, every year they rock up at our destination, and spoil it. No - this is one sodding holiday so far, no?
So I was talking about basic human decency.

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It's also basic human decency to ask before you just invite yourself to something. If they had any decency at all, the very least they would have done is book to overlap by a few days at most, allowing the OP and her DH some private time as well. It's just very self centred, self absorbed behaviour to arrange to be there the entire time and not even give a moment's thought to whether she might mind. I'm a pretty easy going DIL and I always liked my PILs. I invited them to join us on several holidays when the children were younger, but it was always a secondary holiday in half term or something, never our main holiday and never for more than four of five days. That's quite an important distinction.

I stand up for PILs and MILs on here all the time, but this is just not on. It's rude and disrespectful.

Also, the OP seems to have quite young children. These grandparents could be barely be into their 50s and there you are talking as if they've got one foot in a care home and the other in a coffin, with 'world events' about to break out any minute, meaning none of us will be going anywhere for the next 10 years.

Give over.

thescandalwascontained · 27/01/2025 15:49

zara8775 · 27/01/2025 11:49

You’re absolutely right, and honestly, reading your reply has given me a bit of a wake-up call. I think I have been too accepting because I didn’t want to rock the boat, but the more I think about it, the angrier I feel. This isn’t the holiday we planned, and I shouldn’t just roll over and let it happen because it’s easier in the short term.

I don’t want to set the precedent that this is okay, because you’re right – if I do, what’s stopping them from doing it again? I need to sit DH down and tell him straight that this isn’t on, and it’s not the holiday I agreed to. If he’s so sure it’s “not a big deal,” then he can help decide whether we cancel or change the dates. Either way, I’m not just going to let this slide – it’s not fair, and it’s not what I want for our holiday. Thanks for giving me the push I needed!

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Agree.

It's not on for them to just 'invite themselves' on your family holiday. Which is exactly what they've done.

Unless your DH is lying to you and he knew and won't admit it.

I'd be looking to change the dates/location if you don't want to do this and make it clear he can tell them why.

SemperIdem · 27/01/2025 15:52

I would be furious. That is such strange, intrusive, socially inept behaviour on their part.

Viviennemary · 27/01/2025 16:02

It's really cheeky.and thoughtless

MounjaroOnMyMind · 27/01/2025 16:08

The thing is that if you change your dates and your ILs complain to other friends and family, absolutely everyone will be on your side!

Lucielastik · 27/01/2025 16:14

It’s tricky isn’t it; you’re quite right to feel annoyed but I think that to change the dates could escalate the situation and damage family relationships going forward. They didn’t act out of malice, but were thoughtless and will be very hurt if you deliberately go ahead and change the dates, making it very clear you don’t want to spend time with them, without at least having some chat with them first They are also your husband’s parents and it is his holiday as much as yours so it may be better to try to make the best of things

Hadtocomment · 27/01/2025 16:38

fungibletoken · 27/01/2025 13:22

Big sympathy - my PIL once turned up on a weekend away we'd booked for the end of my DH's paternity leave, which had been cut short due to a longer than expected hospital stay. After that we now don't even tell them we're going away most of the time!

In this situation I would try to get DH onboard and say something to the effect of: "your parents are great but I think it's really important we have this time together - can we look at spending some other time with them?"

Once he's onboard you then need to tell them effectively the same thing. No point in changing dates without telling them as when it comes out later it will be a much more difficult conversation (and they might simply change their dates again to match!). Also if they've only just booked it's more likely that they're still within the cancellation/change window.

I agree with @fungibletoken and think this is good advice. Changing dates etc is really passive aggressive. Don't get me wrong, I think it's outrageous that they have booked to come on your holiday without asking. But you really need to talk to them properly. But in order to do that you need to find out what actually happened, whether they asked DH or if he invited them.

I actually think it's so outrageous that even if you said "This was my holiday and I am really gobsmacked that people booked to come along without even speaking to me about it" is perfectly reasonable.

As it is, could you speak to them as a couple and say, we love spending time with you and doing extended family holidays but this was supposed to be for us so sorry if wires are crossed but can we rearrange?

All those on about babysitting. That's fine. But the OP doesn't say she wants babysitters along on her holiday. You don't book yourself onto someone else's holiday without asking. If they thought it a good idea they'd have invited already. If you do think they might like you to come you'd have to ask in the most sensitive way with lots of ability for them to say no without you taking offense. Holidays are very expensive and some people want a lot of company and others just want to get away without any more social demands upon them and that's fair and doesn't mean they don't care about their extended family.

I would check that DH didn't actually invite them or actually thought it might be good from a babysitting point of view himself. It would be awful to hurt their feelings if they hadn't pushed in but were actually invited and thought you knew.

MikeRafone · 27/01/2025 17:01

its rude

id set down some parameters before you go

like we will not all be having dinner together each night and breakfast will be when and if type affair -if we are there we are there but we aren't setting times for each meal etc. same with by the pool, you'll not be sitting all together as its as much this holiday as it is yours...

Topsy44 · 27/01/2025 17:11

ForRealCat · 27/01/2025 09:53

I would put money on them having checked with your DH first, but he doesn't want a row. Can you speak to the hotel and shift your dates? I think if you even suggest this your DH will fess up

I agree with this. I’m quite laidback but I would be fuming at this!

DowntonNabby · 27/01/2025 17:13

There's no way your DH didn't know about this @zara8775! You just wouldn't gatecrash someone's holiday like that without mentioning it first. I would be so narked if my other half did that.

Ariela · 27/01/2025 17:13

Frankly, I'd be taking advantage of the evening babysitting. I'd set a few ground rules as to what exactly you're doing, eg we like a lazy breakfast so will, be having ours at 9.30 don't wait for us, likewise we want to feed the kids by 6 so please do your own thing for evening meals etc, no ice creams before lunchtime etc, and take advantage of grandparents on hand.