PIL have booked our holiday

[zara8775]

So, I’m not sure if I’m being oversensitive here, but this has really annoyed me. My husband and I went on a lovely holiday last year with our two kids – first proper break since having them – to a small, quiet resort in Greece. We loved it so much we’ve already booked to go again this summer. We’d mentioned this to his parents in passing, as you do, but didn’t go into loads of detail.

Fast forward to last weekend, MIL calls to say they’ve also booked a trip… to the exact same resort. Same dates, same hotel. Apparently, they thought it sounded lovely, so they decided to “tag along.” I honestly don’t know how to feel.

It’s not like we dislike them or anything, but part of what we loved about this place was how peaceful it was – no obligations, no one else to consider. Now I feel like our relaxing family holiday is turning into a big extended-family trip we didn’t ask for. DH thinks it’s “nice” they want to come and says it’ll be “fine,” but I’m fuming. I just feel like they’ve trampled over our plans and didn’t even ask us first.

AIBU to think they should’ve at least checked with us before booking? Or am I overreacting? I need to know if I’m being petty before I make this into A Thing…

Agree. This is the kind of nonsense that's festooned over this site in order to maintain the tired narrative that MN 'hates' in-laws: mothers-in-law in particular.

For 'hate', the reality of the situation is very often 'my son (it's usually the son) and his partner haven't capitulated to my every want'. Then the blame is invariably pointed at the DiL.

The attitude of in-laws like this seems to be that, since they raised their offspring, they are owed unquestioning obedience in perpetuity. Gods forbid their children ever grow up and develop a mind or independence of their own. And if you need to dangle the carrot of inheritance, you're under the mistaken assumption that you can buy obedience and capitulation.

It doesn't work like that. Your children are adults now. They do not have to do as they are told.

Dont do this....no need to reward their bad behaviour.

Op we go on holiday every day with my in-laws and my family. It’s fantastic, we have a great time. But what yours have done is something else. There is no way I’d be going along with it. It’s your precious holiday time as a family. Do stand up for that.

Very unfair of them, imo. They should have asked if it was okay with all of you, and it clearly isn't. You're not being oversensitive, or overreacting in the slightest.

What about OPs immediate family harmony? She's already feeling resentful and it's months away. That will end up causing tension with her husband and she'll miss a good holiday with her children, who are only young for a short time.

I would be furious and I'd change hotels, weeks or cancel it. I would not be going, and either my husband could talk to them about it, or I will.

Otherwise they'll just continue to do these things. People who push boundaries don't think "oh that was nice of them to let me. I'll back off now", they go for more next time.

Why should OP have to hide that they're going on holiday to avoid them doing this again? They should have some respect for their family unit.

It's a HUGE overstep on their part.

Why don't they understand that families need quality time away on their own?

It's really very strange behaviour.

I wouldn't like what I had been looking forward to on a family holiday changed like this without anybody checking with me either op. Holidays are much liked forward to long awaited events ... especially when you are at the small children stage.
However, you've said they're nice people. They've definitely overstepped the mark here but I would think lol Ng and hard before changing your holiday dates. You like them, you have a good relationship with them at present and you say they don't normally overstep. If you change the dates because they are going they are going to be very hurt. They must have thought you liked them enough that you would be pleased with this. They were wrong to do it, but if you and DH have a good marriage, you are going to have a relationship with them for many years. You say you have a good relationship. I can't see how you can change the dates now without that relationship being significantly rocked. If they live their grandchildren and are generally supportive grandparents you might regret making as big an issue as changing your plans further down the line.
I would make the best you can of it this time. Make sure you get some advantage out of it for the two of you as a couple. A day out somewhere just the two of you, a separate night out. Leave them with the children for a day or two. Factor in one day all together then so your own thing as a family
Honestly some advice on Mumsnet just fans the flames and could spoil a reasonable in law relationship.
Think of going what I'm suggesting then just make sure it never happens again. 💐🧳

Think of going what I'm suggesting then just make sure it never happens again.

Encouraging it is one surefire way of making sure it will.

This is DH's mess to sort out, though, not OP's.

That's definitely not okay. They may have asked your DH if he's fine with it and got the details from him if needed, but that's not the same as asking you personally if you would like it or would you rather not? Not asking for your input is like saying "zara8775 might not like it but tough", it's riding roughshod over your opinions and views. That would be the bit that would piss me off more than anything, that they didn't ask you what you thought because they don't really care. They can't care or they would have checked with you!

They must have thought you liked them enough that you would be pleased with this. Maybe, but OP has never actually asked them if they would like to join her family - which she would, if she and DH wanted them so much. Inviting yourself is such bad manners, actually gatecrashing an event you haven't been invited to is even worse!

YANBU OP. I get on fine with my PiLs but like you I don't find it relaxing going away with them. (I'm fact I dread the yearly holiday we do with all of DH's family as I always come back feeling more drained than beforehand, but the kids have fun so that's my motivation).

If they did truly do this without any discussion then I think it's really selfish, presumptuous and rude of them. Having said that... Like lots of others my initial reaction was that your DH knew more about this than he's letting on. Even if he didn't overtly agree to anything presumably he told them the specifics of when and where you are going? My DH is like yours in that he hates rocking the boat at all with his family and it seems easier sometimes to let me be the disappointed party. I'd go with having an open conversation with your DH about how strongly you feel about wanting the holiday to just be your family (as opposed to specifically not going with his parents) and it's going to drastically change how you feel about the trip. And that if it really is "no big deal" either way to him then surely he won't mind you changing the dates?

Yes they have obviously spoken to your DH. And for you to then call the hotel and change the dates would be horrendous. Can you imagine how bad your PIL would feel if your DH had pretty much invited them along then you go behind everyone's back and change the dates. Be prepared for your relationship with them to never recover if you do that. Even my kids would think I was a grade A bitch if I did that to their nana and grandad.
As your DH said its not that big a deal. You might even shock horror, have fun. The kids will probably enjoy having their grandparents there and it will mean you and DH will get to have some nights out to yourself if they are happy to babysit.

Op wasn't aware of the possibility of this happening before. She is now and has said she won't be giving exact dates and places out in future so definitely avoidable in the future. Also if boundaries are place regarding how much time they all spend together on this holiday the parents in law will get the message without the potential massive fall out changing the dates might bring. I'm not sure it is the dh's mess to sort. It one thing thinking so it's another being sure. He has denied it. It's just as likely that as the pil knew the dates and places they thought it would be a nice surprise. As the op has said they are normally reasonable likeable people, I'm pretty sure that once they've realised through boundaries on the holiday , that its not a nice surprise the would hardly want to do it again.

It’s incredibly rude. I would be changing dates and Dh would be having a word.

I can't imagine being that thick-skinned enough to do it in the first place.

If you are truly stuck and can't get the dates changed, and you're willing, I'd make ONE concession.

You meet on ONE day only and you have meals together on THAT day,

Otherwise you all do your own thing and you will not take kindly to them just rocking up and joining you round the pool or on the beach

And don't let them babysit as on those days, they're not there

And any awkwardness is purely down to their selfish behaviour

I think that’s fucking rude.

unless I’m totally wrong they have booked assuming that you will adjust your holiday to accommodate them? To socialise and engage with them while you’re away. I think that’s very rude. If they wanted this from you they should ask or better yet take the hint that you didn’t suggest they take along and stay at home!

I don't know if OP works, but I certainly look forward to having a whole week with DS without the interruption of work/ school/ nursery/etc.

Having the in laws looking after the children would be the exact opposite of what I want from a holiday - I want uninterrupted time with DS. Even having grandparents there spoils this, as they want to do the activity with the DS and I end up just watching

It's absolutely awful when people do this. Because now they will make the OP look like the awkward rude one for not wanting to holiday with them. But I do think it's necessary to nip it in the bud anyway.

Change the dates, and be done with it.

OP, this is gate crashing. And even if they asked first, it would out you in an awkward situation.

l hope that you can change dates.

l wouldn’t be too quick to blame your husband though, without knowing the full facts. Let us know how you get on.

"Why are men like this?!"

My husband would never go behind my back like a sneak and do this. You are trying to justify your husband's potential bad behaviour by sucking all men in and all men would not do this.

Having the in laws looking after the children would be the exact opposite of what I want from a holiday - I want uninterrupted time with DS

I think that was one of the final things for DH - his mum moaning we weren't putting our kids on our family holiday in extra pay childcare and then listening to them telling same old stories in a pub.

It was a family holiday we enjoyed spending time with our kids - they did many other holidays so why keep gate crashing ours - and yes it was a constant battle not to be pushed out of all the fun things with the kids and get left with coats and bags.

So rude! They should have asked

Maybe if they were going to a different resort a fair distance away that would be OK and you might even decide to meet up somewhere on one daytrip but they are in your hotel, in a small resort and you won't be able to avoid them. It's really quite pushy, how on earth did they think that was a good idea?

OP, are you going for one week or two or what? As PP have said if you change dates and there's just a short overlap of time then you still keep most of the holiday to yourselves but they can't feel totally snubbed. However, better to be firm now and maybe they can re book not you.

I just feel like they’ve trampled over our plans and didn’t even ask us first.
AIBU to think they should’ve at least checked with us before booking?

Well they trampled over your plans without asking you. It sounds as if your DH was just peachy with it, so your fight is with him. He was presumably the one who furnished them with the exact dates and the full name of the hotel, as you say you didn't go into specifics.

Your DH has had much more of a hand in this than he is letting on.

I hope you make the most of the babysitting, that's all I can say.

Very intrigued about this resort, please do share the details. I promise not to go at the same time as you 😁

If it's just a week and they dont normally overstep Id do it differently. You go on this one holiday and if they do want to be with you all the time you have the perfect reason never to do it again (and never let them know hotel and/or dates until the last minute). But you might find actually they dont want to eat at the time young children do and they are happy to have a car and explore while you are on the beach with the children. They may even be willing to babysit while you have a day off together.

As a parent it's not something I would do without asking.