Husband complaining about helping with night feeds, AIBU?

[DefyingGravity012]

Hi

My husband and I have a 7 month old and I have just found out I am pregnant. He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining. Tonight though, he has got very annoyed about being up for a night feed with me, blamed me, and asked facetiously “what time do you get to sleep until?” . This started because our baby was taking his time to start feeding as he was fussing.

My husband has to wake up at 6:30 for work. Baby wakes twice in the night to feed, around midnight/1, then at 5ish. I stay in bed until around 8 when baby wakes for the day. I’ve sent him downstairs, I can hear him already snoring away. Our baby takes a while to go back to sleep after a feed.

I’ve always been so grateful for him being up with me and the baby even though he has work. It’s just the way he’s approached this I feel is unfair. It’s as though I apparently dont need the sleep. I’m pregnant, so I’m tired all the time, and have a medical condition (epilepsy) which is made worse by sleep deprivation (on meds that luckily block any seizures but if I’m tired makes me feel so awful until I sleep again)

AIBU?

thank you xx

Oh my goodness, your husband has got up twice a night, every night for 7 months then gone to work the next day ?

Why on earth didn't you do one feed each ?

You haven't said when you returned to work
nor what hours you do ?

I guess you work later in the day as you stay in bed until 8am ish when baby gets up for the day.

Do you then do a school run or is your eldest not at school yet ?

But why? Makes no sense that both parents are up.
I would be very grumpy if my husband couldn't a bottle and let me sleep.

Lots of people missed the epilepsy because OP drip fed it by editing the post.
Currently neither of them is getting enough sleep so this method isn't working.

OP could you go to bed earlier, around 9:30/10 DH does a change and feed around midnight try and gradually bring that forward, you then do the 5am and change nappy, he sleeps until 6:30 when he needs to go to work. You'll both get more sleep and both be healthier for it. He then sleeps 11:30/12-6 and you sleep 10-5

You should sleep in separate rooms and split the night feeds. No reason at all for both of you to be up when you need more sleep because of pregnancy, and he has to be up early.

Kindly, you say it works for you to both do both feeds, but if it worked that well you wouldn't be posting about it. I think you need to change your set up so you both get more sleep. I'd recommend he does the first feed and you do the second if he needs to be up at 6.30am

This isn't sustainable and with another baby on the way so quickly there's no end in sight. Take turns.

Personally I think you're being unreasonable, why do both of you need to have disturbed sleep? If you can sleep in until 8 I wouldn't be waking dh during the night.

Many people have suggested perfect prep machines so I just wanted to draw your attention to the research in 2023 showing that the vast majority tested didn't get the water up to the required temperature for safety.

https://www.swansea.ac.uk/press-office/news-events/news/2023/10/study-raises-concerns-over-powdered-infant-formula-preparation-machines.php

No she didn't, it's literally right there in her first post.

Yes she did drip feed. In her original post she did not say she had epilepsy. Scroll up to her first post and underneath it it will say ‘edited’. That means she has changed/added/removed something

If your husband has only recently started to complain about the night waking arrangements, could it be that the reality of the situation is starting to hit home ie you have a very young baby and another on the way already? Plus your elder child, who has their own needs. Plus you have epilepsy, so there are are special considerations there too. It's a lot and it sounds like you both need to seriously talk about how the family manages going forward.

The advice is to make bottles up fresh and use within 2 hours. Get a nuby rapid cool. I’m told they are helpful for getting the temp right in the night. My husband helped with our first in the night but didn’t do a single night with our second. You are pregnant and do need sleep too, maybe you need a better system, like you go to bed early and he does the last feed at midnight and then you get up over night, then you both are getting a good chunk of sleep.

Yes it does! It's in all three versions of her original post. She added more detail, but the epilepsy was always there.

It wasn’t! I was one of the first people
to post. The epilepsy was not there

OP why would you want your husband to be up twice in the night just to keep you company when he is working?

Can you not maybe try pre-made milk so there isn’t a wait for thr bottle to cool down
(those cartons of milk which are ready to go) or even room temp water. Babies don’t need to drink warm milk and maybe if you baby takes room temp milk it might be easier for you.

Otherwise, let your husband sleep.

We always woke up together in the night and did feeds etc together. My husband had work but he didn't care, the routine happened because I was initially recovering from a c section, so he did the bending down on the floor to change the nappy and would get out of bed to had my DS as I couldn't bend round etc.

It worked really well for us.

You can literally see all her edts and its there. It could be some glitch with mumsnet, or, you just missed it.

In the edited version yes, not in the original, you can click at the bottom of the first post and see what it said before she edited it

Am I seeing some different version of mumsnet or something?! I've looked at the edited posts, it's mentioned in all 3 of them!

I don't want to derail, it really doesnt matter that much anyway!

OP it sounds like these joint wake ups are becoming unsustainable for your DP. You need to work out a turn taking system that takes your epilepsy into account.

Hi there OP, sorry this is stressful for you, the little baby season is tough no matter what and you have the added difficulties of epilepsy and pregnancy. FWIW I don't think either of you are necessarily unreasonable - you're just both exhausted and it's natural to bicker when you're sleep deprived. The genuinely key thing here is that sleep deprivation is dangerous with epilepsy and it is vital for the safety of you and baby that your health is protected. However what you're currently doing sounds like the worst possible outcome for both of you. If I were you I would make night time bottles in advance and just accept the very small risk involved or look at getting a perfect prep or nuby rapid cool for bottle making or some people use a flask of boiling water and then a flask of cooled boiled water to do this as the key piece is that the hot water sterilises the formula and then you add cool boiled water to bring it to the right temp/amount of liquid. It's a PITA for you that there's no CMPA pre made formula but life is about balancing and reasonably assessing risk and the risk from unmanaged or poorly managed epilepsy is greater here imo than the risk of various formula making methods. Split the night feeds one each so you both get a decent nights sleep. Don't change nappy unless dirty - move to the 3+ or 4+ or whatever size - the plus is additional absorbency. Try and get additional sleep whenever possible (when baby is napping/ when partner is home). Ignore posters who think mens right to uninterrupted sleep so they can do important man work is sacrosanct (often less difficult than being home with baby). You need to make any/all decisions you can to streamline the feeds/amount of time awake and reduce the load on both of you. You need to have a conversation when not in the moment about both your needs here and how best to manage. It's not easy and when you have a small/wakeful baby you do end up sniping so try and name this and be as kind as possible to each other in it rather than letting it escalate.

https://www.johnlewis.com/baby-brezza-formula-pro-advanced/black/p5663560?s_ppc=2dx_mixed_fashion_BAU&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiA-ty8BhA_EiwAkyoa3-2w4AF9E_B9Z73gyyEPv5AFQIgssdMPS8fVxQ_nX6ILUp7rR9b2tBoCkr4QAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Makes the bottle at the right temperature in the moment - a real investment

Hi OP,

it sounds like a tough time, I have a 18 month old and I’m expecting twins shortly so me and my husband have recently had to have a lot of conversations about how we will make it all work and we’ve had a few reflections throughout this.

With our 18m old we both used to get up for feeds and now that we are on the other side neither of us can fathom what the hell we were thinking. I remember getting home from hospital and the nights feeling quite long and scary, so at that time we decided to do it together but then that just seemed to continue until he no longer needed feeds at night. I remember being constantly exhausted because I am an extremely light sleeper too so I was lying awake or just ‘resting’ pretty much the whole time.

In hindsight we should have either done shifts or I should have slept elsewhere and come into the room where my baby and husband were to do the feeds then left again to sleep separately (as I couldn’t sleep with them there), that would have allowed my husband to sleep all night before work and I would have been getting sleep too.

My son started sleeping through at 4 months and I can’t imagine having to continue with that routine for a lot longer, we started to find ways to make the prep quicker as he got a bit older and stronger (so having cooked boiled water in the bottle ready to add formula and a top up of boiling water) a bit like the prep machine but just with less air bubbles. Keeping everything in the bedroom instead of leaving to go downstairs also made a difference. And I was quite clear on cutting down feeds at night (particularly when they were formula) so I knew exactly how much he needed and whether he was just feeding from habit or comfort. We also gave him extra calories during the day in milk which reduced his night feeds. I don’t think all of these things align with current recommendations but that’s just what we ended up doing to get by.

But hats off to him managing work after being up every night.

Yes, poor lamb, he's been an absolute champion really. Shall we send the medal through the post or do you think he'd like a full parade?

(To be fair, it's not OP's DH who is saying that he shouldn't be doing anything, it's PPs on here! Mat leave is not a holiday - he seems to have grasped that)

Wonder wtfs going in if we’re all seeing different versions 🤣

I didn’t realise you could actually click the edited button. It’s showing me she edited 3x but her post hasn’t changed on any of them so god knows