To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

I like you OP
A woman with clear boundaries and not afraid to enforce them.
MIL has virtually raised SIL's family while helping them with major house removations and much more. She told me once that when she died I would have to sort everything out because SIL would be "too upset" I told her she would have to manage.

You’re not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns and block anyone who thinks differently. You are helping anyway by picking up the slack at home when your DH is over there helping. Fact other partners aren’t helping but judging you, is a joke

I had a similar situation but was SAHP at the time. Horrifically abusive people to me. I looked after DC & our house etc so DH was free to help them. If anyone told me I should be doing the work, especially SIL, my response would have been:

They're your parent, it's your responsibility to take leave from work and help, not mine, so stop telling me what I should be doing and worry about what you should be doing'.

As for the friend, that's just weird. I think perhaps tell them you're sorry they feel that way, but ask why you should take time off from your career & lose money while DH's siblings shouldn't have to.

The irony is, that if they'd been nice to me, like they'd been at the start, I'd have done anything to help them.

Stick to your guns. They are not your parents. Dont let their own children make you feel bad for them doing sod all!

why does this shit always get dumped on the woman 🤦🏻‍♀️

YANBU and well done to you and your DH for being so level headed and being such a fab team 💪🏻As for your 'friend' I'd tell her not to bother reevaluating the friendship as you've saved her the bother and the decision is she can fuck off to fuckoffsville on a one way ticket.

You can find the number of a reputable house clearance company / de-clutterer and let the GP sister book them in. Job done.

YANBU.

YOU can take unpaid leave? Absolute cheek of it.

To quote one of my favourites: They can fuck right off and keep fucking off until they come to a gate with a sign saying "You Can't Fuck Off Past Here" Then they can climb over that gate, dream the impossible dream, and keep fucking off forever.

Keep them blocked. Open a bottle of wine.

Ditch the ' friend'

You sound fabulous OP! Lovely to hear a DH supporting their wife also. You are doing the right thing IMO.

Talk about double standards, the siblings partners don't need to help but you do 🙄

I have been through similar with DHs dad, he would not have expected me to help with him, I supported DH and picked up anything he would usually help with at home of course but that was it. When his mum was unwell then passed away I did lots to help out, she was an amazing person and was very good to me.

Morally you shouldn’t help at all. However if your husband went I would support him and help out.

YADNBU.
And ditch the judgy friend too. What's it to her?!?

You're doing nothing wrong.

Not read the full thread, but you are actually helping by holding the fort down at home to free up your dh to go.

I loved my FIL and my Dad was nothing but lovely to DH, but when they both got ill, their respective children were the ones helping out.

Fuck that. Your dh sounds lovely. He needs a skip and a good house clearance company. Changed everything for us when we were struggling with this.

Or don't
I understand GP's can use the internet like the rest of us

I don't blame you at all.

Your husband's siblings can take AL with their partners (if they have them) and get down to it

A week would make quite an inroad

I cam see why you don't want to help. It's easy for them to criticise. So annoying when folk are dictating from a distance away saying what you should be doing. Tell them to fo.

Great your hubby supports you . That’s not a friend of your OP, get rid . Wishing you all the best .

YANBU. Tell your friends to give up their jobs and take care of them then think you're so harsh.
It's strange that your PILs have never thought you good enough for all these years. However I bet you're good enough now they need help
. Well I'm afraid life doesn't work like that after treating someone like shit. I guess they didn't get the memo Treat everyone nicely and properly because you never know when you might need them.
A different scenario here but I don't even want never mind expect my own Daughter to care for me. She's got her own life to lead and that's the end of it, and me and My DD have a good strong relationship, so I certainly wouldn't want or expect it of a Daughter in law who I didn't even like

You are behinds the scenes, enabling your DH to support his parents.
What are his siblings and partners doing?? Nada!!

Your ‘friend’. No words. She is NOT in your corner.

I agree with other posters who advise to outsource where possible. Pay for services to do as much as possible, and split the costs between the siblings. Have your DH concentrate on tasks which cannot be outsourced.

Stay strong and don’t let those Fuckers get you down. If your DH is good, you are good.

It sounds like there are at least FOUR people you need to lose from your life before even getting started on the PiL, namely:

• your GP and abroad in-laws
• the two 'friends'

Fuck the four of them off (permanently) and you'll probably begin to feel very zen about your decisions re the parents-in-law.

Well done OP. YANBU, it’s not your responsibility and the siblings should sod off - the one who lives abroad needs to get their arse over here and the GP has 3 days a week when they can help .

Having gone through the same situation with my parents ( hoarders needing to quickly downsize) I can confirm it’s a really awful and stressful job and not one that I would foist on anyone despite not wanting to do it myself !

Hopefully your DH will instruct his family to cease contacting you about this issue & they’ll get the message and leave you alone .

Interesting!

My in-laws have been very unkind to me and the children. About 12 years ago something else happened, so I cut them out of my life and went no contact.

My husband understood and agreed. In fact, he finds it much less stressful now there is no contact between his parents and myself!!!!

Recently they have said to my husband that maybe we should all get together and put the past behind us. This coincides with the fact that they are now elderly and one of them has been quite poorly.

I can't help but think that they want us to "make up" so that one of them isn't isolated if the other passes away (ie at home on their own at Christmas) or so I can start to help them more.

I was thinking about meeting up with them, but all those old feelings about them have come flooding back so I'm not going to!

(For years my elderly mother has said I should see them. She then witnessed them being rude to my husband on the phone recently and now understands why I cut them off)!

The one who is abroad should be prepared to come over and help.
The one who is a GP should know better than to suggest others take unpaid leave if they won't do it.
In your situation I'd try to show willing by helping a little, but not more than I could manage. Having your husband's support is very helpful.

YADNBU You've been irrelevant to them all this time but NOW they need help you're the 'chosen one'!? Sorry but it would be a no from me.
As for all the other siblings piping up, making excuses and minimising your job/responsibilities in order to emotionally blackmail you into helping, they can do one frankly. As can your 'friend', who likely doesn't have a clue what she's talking about!

This seems sensible to me.
Unless the issue is they need to clear some before they put it on the market.