To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

Even if your PiLs were the loveliest people in the world, you can only spin so many plates at once OP. You've got a full time job, charitable commitments, a health issue and by UK standards, at three hours each way, you aren't local. Any support you can feasibly give could only be to your DH, so focus on what helps him and keeps the house ticking over for both of you and any DC you have at home. Keep blocks on your PiL and even more to the point, their selfish progeny. They should be working out how to help their parents downsize, instead of sending you things to do. You're not their personal Cinderella. And re-evaluate your relationship with your friend. No-one who cared about you would want you to run yourself ragged, especially for people who've never treated you well.

Yes..Imagine if the wrong thing was chucked out!
A 'brass' oriental bell was on a friend of my brother's parent's dresser for donkeys years.

~Sort of thing you'd put on a wall or give to a charity shop.

Someone recognised it for what it was., an Imperial Chinese temple bell.

It was sold for tens of thousands of pounds. {A relative of theirs had bought it in China in around 1900}

This isn't the one, but a similar one..

I think some people just see it as - you’re being mean to old people & they can’t see beyond that.

I would point out to the friend that you are indirectly helping because you're freeing up your DH to support his parents by picking up more at home.

I would say you could point this out to the siblings too but honestly, fuck that. Far better just to block them, as you have done. Also, they'd probably expect you to be doing more at home anyway, judging by their comments.

I'd probably also be telling your "friend" that she might want to check her internalised misogyny. It's not a woman's job to help out people who have been absolute fuckers to her over the course of decades.

I think it would be really easy to have been suckered into helping out, given the emotive circumstances so fair play to you for asserting your boundaries. And bloody marvellous that you've got a decent, supportive DH.

OP, even if you didn't work, had all your time free, it's your time.
Their nasty behaviour means they do not deserve your time. You know this, your DH knows this. Even his siblings know this but they want to pressure you as they know you are a nicer person than their parents and they want you to cave in to their unreasonable demands.
The answer is: no.

So glad you’ve blocked them all. Ridiculous men dishing out tasks and judgement to a woman. Good that your DH is supportive.

Keep them blocked. Your DH may want mute his siblings for a while, too.

Good for you. Chapeau!

It is SO good to read of a female who refuses to submit to this sort of pressure, well done OP! Also, kudos for your DH for backing you.

I'd tell the GP that they are their parents, and to pull their finger out and do the right thing by them, rather than expecting me to help when they haven't even been civil to you for all that time, and the one who's abroad would be told what I thought of them too. In all honesty, there are a lot of people who clear off abroad to 'live their own lives' without a thought for their parents, and then expect their siblings to pick up all the care, and work involved as they get older, because it's too difficult for them to get back, and yet suddenly when there's an inheritance to be had, they manage to get a flight back for the funeral (and of course the reading of the Will!)

Let me guess... If either of the siblings has a male partner, he is not expected to drop his work to wait on this pair?

YANBU, stick to your guns. And if FIL repeats his query about why you're not there, tell him he's spent the last 29 years acting like he's not that fond of your company, but no doubt his kids will be there for him.

Let people not like you. Entirely up to them. You're doing absolutely the right thing for you. I didn't help my in laws downsize, and I wouldn't expect my husband to be involved in helping with my dad. Other people's opinions are not your problem x

I get the impression that your in laws have been moaning to the siblings about how you could do more.

They are then deflecting their guilt/shame/responsibility on to you.

My MIL is exactly like your in laws. I tell her sweetly that of course I support my husband so that he can do everything he can to support her.

Let them stew. You owe them nothing.

@Topsyturvy78 Yes, that's what I did to get my Dad going as he and my late SM had alot of stuff and he was overwhelmed when he first considered moving. She was great, supplied packing materials and really helped him out. I was happy to pay for the service, it helped us all out.

Your in-laws have three children so the "busy" two could split the cost.

Oh also I just thought - if you ask the siblings to pay for a professional decluttering service etc and they say it’s unaffordable, point them to task rabbit - I used the service for something similar and it was much cheaper than I expected. Essentially what I’m saying is don’t let them fob you off with excuses - they need to sort it.

(Del)

And what age are the children here? If they are uni students for example, surely they could help their own grandparents out for a weekend or two?

No. I have had similar issues with my PILs over 26 years and actions have consequences. Picking up the slack for your lovely DH is good because that directly supports him. I'd save your friend the need to reevaluate and let her go.

Well done OP.
Have nothing to do with his parents and their move.
They are NOTHING to you.

Make it really fxxking easy for that non friend by blocking them.
I wouldn't ever have anything further to do with anyone who would be so presumptuous as to judge me like that.
Complete cheeky fxxker.

They have made it crystal clear they are not your family.
Leave them to your husband.

Good on you girl !!!! And may I add that your DH is a diamond.
I did laugh tho when I read the part about the siblings '' giving you jobs to do"
What sort of jobs would these be...?

I feel angry on your behalf!! Bloody cheeky of DH siblings. Absolutely keep doing what you're doing, they have reaped what they sowed.

No you're quite right

Fuck them

I would just keep batting back, "What does your partner do for them?" every time the siblings say anything.

Having said that, I don't think I could let my husband do it all on his own.

Some people seem to think that all elderly people are sweet little old dears, that should automatically be doted on unconditionally. They forget that some of them could have been absolute arseholes throughout their life, and deserve sod all.
Their chickens have come home to roost where you are concerned. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

If any friend has to reconsider their friendship with me over something similar then I would be telling that friend to gtf.
As do I laws they can all gtf as well, and I'd be telling go th take his own fucking unpaid leave and go and help his folks like a good little boy. CF's all of them. Glad ur hubby is sticking with you. They are getting what they deserve. Karma never misses.

Yes, we are expected to. But if we choose, we can let them expect whatever they like, and still not do it. It's entirely up to us.