To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

I am willing to bet that the "friend" absolutely takes the piss when it comes to making unreasonable demands of her female relations and is very uncomfortable to have this obliquely pointed out to her.

It’s not your drama. All their shit is just that, their shit.
They can throw some money at their predicament and sort it out. Step back from it all.

YANBU in any way.
His siblings are being unreasonable. I suggest they club together and employ someone to do the chores that would otherwise fall to them.
You owe your in laws nothing. They’re not going to automatically become nice because they’re old.

You know what they say. You reap what you sow. They can't expect to treat you the way they have for years.. But then expect you to drop things and come running the minute they need help. This is on their adult DC to sort out no you.

The siblings need to share the load between them. It's not your responsibility. They want you to do it so they don't have to. Its their parents. I tell CF to Foff. They want you to take A/L because they think your job isn't as important as theirs. Piss taker. To deal with there parents shit. And your "friend" if she's so invested she's welcome to their address and can role her sleeves up.

I love my inlaws. I go to clean for FIL. Although, he has 6 adult children 2 of which live with him. I won't be clearing out his house because he has 6 Fing adult kids. I have however promised to make sure his and MIL grave has enough soil on it and isn't dipping in the middle. FIL was very anxious about it and I promised I will do it to ease his worry.

I see my post suggesting that you get your own back on your in-laws by refusing to help now they're old and vulnerable, has been deleted.

Who knew that all you had to do to get a post removed was to hold an unpopular opinion?

Well done OP for having clear boundaries & and supportive DH. The only thing I might do is to help your DH out by doing more of a share of his house chores if needed, that then in turn supports him. However is parents & siblings need to sort this, as others have suggested they need to buy in help.

good for you OP

his siblings sound horrible and no idea why your friend is getting involved.

tbh the tasks you've described sound like ones PIL could mainly do themselves - they don't need amazing mobility to sort through paperwork. They should be doing most of it themselves and then at most your DH can dispose of the stuff they don't need and the absent siblings should pay for a skip and a packing company to do the rest.

BTW when they do move I'd recommend looking into a company that does all the packing as well rather than expecting your DH to do everything again - there was a thread on here the other week and the prices were a lot more reasonable than I would have thought.

You do you. They had their chance at being decent.

Ignore the naysayers. Not your parents, not your problem

Good for you OP.

Tell them you’re happy to help but your contribution will be paying for a skip in their front garden and chucking it all out…

They do not deserve your support now after years of mistreating you and the main person to care about is your DH, who understands.

Your “friend” sounds unhinged btw.

I'm going to have this with my own parents in a few years

All my life,I've been the scapegoat and treated like shit-the stories I could tell but I don't think anyone would believe parents could do that to their own dd

I walked away from them about 13 years ago-fully nc and I moved 140 miles away

My dp has never met them,and I determined he never will

However,they are starting to fail with their health and its been made very clear (via the flying monkeys) that I will be expected to give up my life and care for them if it ever gets to the point they need care (because I'm the only female out of us siblings and women are only fit to mop up piss and wipe arses apparently)

They can go and whistle-the golden boys can do it and if they won't,there are 3 wives/girlfriends that are female and can do it (they won't pay for a carer as that would cost money and I'd rather lose everything I own than pay a penny)

I want nothing to do with any of them-that boundary is firm-they treated me like shite all my life,are still joyfully doing their smear campaign and wouldn't spit on me if I caught fire in the street so I won't be giving a moment or a penny towards their care

You reap what you sow-however if my darling mil needs care at any point in her life,I'd give her my all and I'd do it in a heartbeat

But saying that,she treats me like her own dd and we adore each other

Stick to your guns. You don't need to be there.
Maybe send a zucchini bake with DH, or a cake once or twice while they are going through boxes.
If I were you I would also do any task that my DH thought I could do that didn't impact my life unduly - such as dropping a bag of things into the thrift shop near work.

I would also definitely ask your kids to help out. They could find the whole process interesting and they might value seeing historical items etc Them, being young and fit, will process the boxes more quickly and with less sentimental attachment.
They could be good company for DH too.

YANBU

Has anybody thought of just calling a house clearance company? We did this when a relative went into a home.We just took important documents and the clothes they wore away first. Yes maybe we lost something important but life is too short.
Really if they have hoarded all this time they are very unlikely just to let go of enough stuff.
This is a lesson to everyone not to hang on to loads of stuff beyond your mid 7Os.
Surely you don’t want your kids to clear it away.

You husband understands where you're coming from and supports your decision. That's the only person who matters.

His siblings want you to shoulder the burden they should be sharing instead of of leaving your husband to do it all. They could take leave to do it but they don't want to. They're selfish.

Caregiving is an extremely hard task and trying to bully someone else into doing it is nasty behaviour. Good on you for blocking them. If your friend knows how they treated you but still says she's rethinking your friendship because you won't stop your life to be a caregiver for people that have been shitty to you, then she's not a friend.

Are the inlaws hoarders?

I also second the idea of hiring house clearers. I'm clearing out my home so if anything happens the kids won't have much to do.

I think in just blocking them you have been a positive delight I would have told GP sibling to fuck off.

Your DH sounds great.

MIL tolerates me, deep down I think she is just a bit prejudice. I’m mixed race. I have made it very plain I will do zero caring duties or sort anything out.

I'm so pleased you are standing your ground.

Find some new friends, she clearly isn’t thinking of your well-being

OP I would leave the parents attitude towards you out of conversations with the siblings, not because you are wrong but simply because they are unlikely to see things your way when it comes to their parents.

If you haven’t already I would calmly communicate what you have said here - the level of demand from your job & trustee work and your health condition. Also point out that you in fact helping by facilitating your husband doing it.

This is a failure by the parents to make a plan for themselves and possibly to some degree a failure by the children. Did the GP not foresee that the parents would struggle at some point? Surely she/he deals with the elderly daily?

The bit about the child living abroad really triggers me as I find it infuriating that those who do nothing feel entitled to express an opinion on what those who are actually doing something do.

Extra helps needs to come from the other two children, or they need to pay professionals - cleaners, movers, the local teenagers whoever to do it.

I would say you're doing plenty to shoulder the burden by picking up the slack at home while dh is gone for days to help his parents

Your only responsibility in this scenario is to support your husband as he supports them because it isn’t easy.

@NotThisYearThx sums it up perfectly, your only responsibility is to support to your DH. The sibling abroad is cheeky, because they could take some leave and come over for a couple of weeks to help their parents get sorted out. I live abroad and that's what I did when my elderly Dad moved two years ago.
Same with the GP sibling, why don't they take a week off?

My DH supports me to help my Dad, but he doesn't get too involved. His parents don't need much help yet, but I'll expect him and his siblings to do the bulk of it.

Nope, you are not being unreasonable

If fact your husbands siblings are being wildly unreasonable in suggesting you take a financial hit and look after their parents - f* them! Their parents, they take the unpaid leave and do the work.

As for your friends - they don't know the full details of what's gone over the last 30 years but should support you & your husband not the toxic in-laws and siblings.

I think I would just mute their messages and stop replying. Why are they pestering you, rather than DH?

I'm not surprised. MN is very uneven in its moderation these days. They let most egregious shit stand then get all sensitive out of the blue.

Your opinion is often voiced on MN - usually within the context of not GPs not offering childcare - so it will be interesting to see further deletions when they turn up. I won't be holding my breath.

That should be "the most".

Good for you!

Why don’t you suggest that the other two siblings pay for a professional decluttering/removal service? Just being busy/at a distance doesn’t meant they can’t help imo.