My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

Perhaps you're being too patient.

After a few round of this I don't think I could help myself telling him to pull his ducking finger out and act like a dad instead of a mood hoover.

@sofingmisreable will he participate in the party (depending where and what it involves)

Have you thought about what your life would be like op without him in it?

Would you be happier? Would the kids be happier?

From what you've said, it sounds like you would.

There's no shame in divorce. This hasn't worked. He isn't cut out to do the actual work of parenting. And he's selfish enough that he's happy for you to do it all.

It won't get any better, only worse.

Have you thought about what your life would be like op without him in it?

Well I found many woman stayed because the thought of their children being patently badly for 50% of the week worried them more than divorce.

However, asking your DH how he would cope with 50/50 is always an interesting question.

Agree with you OP, don't understand the fuss around the shopping centre thing. I regularly would take my toddler to the Trafford centre, she loves walking around and looking at people and finding things with me. They also have toy shops/legoland etc so it was always a nice day out and then eating in the food mall was a nice thing for us. Just had a baby (1M old now) and we're probably going next week! I understand why you go

My dad was like this but I am glad to say my dds dad is not. Lots of men are sadly just lazy and selfish and don't want to bother with their kids

Whenever I look around at families of 2 parents plus kids and look at the faces of the men, it is very very rare that they look happy to be there. The mother is mostly jollying everyone along, trying to keep her husbands spirits up as well as her own, selflessly pulling everyone up, hasn't got time to even think about whether she's happy or not. The blokes would rather be on the golf course, or gaming, or at the pub or wherever it is that they enjoy. Not sure what the solution is.

I'd have a serious talk with him - set out your reasonable expectations, ask if something is impacting his mood. If he is not going to change start planning your exit before the children realise what he is like and what he is modelling to them, also of course for your sanity.

Agreed. Women are very unselfish as a cohort with kids, (mostly with zero reward!) men the opposite. But surely a man like this would be after EOW at most?

Gawd some people cannot read can they

The op used yesterdays 2hr trip to the shopping centre as an EXAMPLE. She also stated he is like this EVERY time they go out.

For those asking why wont the op ask what he wants to do? Why does she have to ask?

Why doesnt he make suggestions for days out? Why doesnt he take thw kids out on his own?

This man then goes off and does his own thing when he gets home. He has a brain he can come up with things.

Do we all think it's because they consider the looking after of the children to be "women's work"?

Reins. Gamechanger if they aren't in a buggy

@averythinline

Could he do something directly with them..... Like take them swimming or even just to an activity like swimming lessons/little kickers/music classes . especially if its outside...

I think we all know the answer to this....of course he could, but he won't.
He hasn't even taken them on the hobby days he enjoys (as op mentioned ) that he mentioned. He is not interested in putting himself out for his children, hence ops frustration- no matter how many "much better" activities other posters come up with. If he wanted to, he would, it's that simple.

Does he ever have the children on his own? Has he just become so reliant that it is you that looks after the children he cannot be bothered.

Why not plan something yourself one weekend, where he has to be in charge.

Do we all think it's because they consider the looking after of the children to be "women's work"?

Yup. For these kind of men. Misogyny was role modelled to them by their own parents. Namalt.

Dunno where everyone lives where there is amazing parks for under 5s where they wouldn’t need constant 1-1 supervision so they didn’t get hurt. Nearest one to us is an hour drive away.

So many women are tolerating male partners like this and so many of my friends are a. Now divorced from their miserable moaning arses because b. Turns out they could all be nice to another fucking woman.

I’d be having a calm and quiet ultimatum op, if he loves you and the kids he needs to sort himself out before it’s too late.

And I’m sorry so many posters cannot stop pearl clutching about you going to a shopping centre on a Saturday - get over yourselves 😁

Too many posters offering 'helpful' suggestions about DH choosing the days out, or taking one child each to divide the load.
That won't work, because fundamentally the man does not want to spend time with the children.
He expects the woman to look after and entertain the children, he does not see it as his job. Men like this see children and child-care as women's work.
He liked the idea of being a father, but doesn't want to actually do any parenting.

If OP was away all day, or for a weekend, he would no doubt rope-in his mother to look after them. If his mother or another female was not available, he would resort to sticking them in front of screens, and feeding them takeaways or oven-ready frozen crap.

Sorry OP, whether you stay together or divorce, you cannot change him. This is not a battle you can win.
Just resign yourself to doing stuff with the children and leaving him out of it.

Why is it (not just with this response, but nearly all the time), people bring up ‘ND’? What a copout. These people need to grow up, accept responsibility and stop being pathetic wimps! And before people come down on me like a ton of bricks, I am not talking about actual recognised mental health issues here. I am referring to the occasions when people seem to invent mental health issues to avoid something. To my mind, ND is used as a very handy excuse a lot of the time!
I shall now wait for the shock horror abuse that will now be directed at me.

See my mother would NEVER ‘jolly’ along in fact I can’t recall many times when we all went out as a family to a place

my mum largely ignored my Dad and wanted to hang out with her parents !! 🤣

He's either depressed or he isn't enjoying being a parent.

If it helps, when mine were little we did a morning each over the weekend - DH would take them to the park or soft play, and I would take them Sunday morning to the farm or something.

We both got a break and both entertained the kids - it helped him enjoy being a parent -

Who would enjoy a shopping centre with two kids on Saturday what is there to enjoy?
Plus it sounds like with all the treats, balloons, rides etc you are spaffing away loads more money to entertain them was he miffed with the wasting money ?

Yes OP ignore all the posters getting hung up on the shopping centre! It’s fine! Weather is bad, DC has a cough and
as you say your DH is miserable whatever you do, that was just an example.

You could have gone to a park and before you know it one has fallen in a puddle/run off/needs a poo/fell off a swing and posters would be saying ‘why are you going to the park in this weather’ 😂

Anywhere you go with small kids is a challenge, and it’s what you make of it. I would occasionally go to the shopping cents if weather was crap - cafe, Poundland , couple of rides, buy food for tea, and then home. Job done.

The problem here is the DH being miserable!!

OP could you find a club for them to do at weekends and get him to take them?

We’re trying to help. I can understand you’re frustrated. But this comes across as abrasive and defensive.

Are you only looking for affirmation that your DH is a miserable father and nothing can be done about it?

Or are you looking for potential explanations and/or solutions?

You ask if other DPs/fathers are like this. Some aren’t because they don’t take their kids for days out to shopping malls, buying toys, lunches, rides and balloons. As that’d be hellish and expensive.

But realise options of places to go are limited in the winter, depending on where you live.

Yes my undiagnosed autistic ex husband was like this i tolerated it for years, then did all my trips everywhere either alone or with his mum when my kids were younger. He ended up a functioning alcoholic. Ruined every outing and we went out for 20.mins then home. I finally got rid of him 3 years ago. Was together since I was 17 til aged 32. Wasted my life on him. He has the kids now aged 15 and 10 won't go far away and goes for 20 mins