My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

She went because it's the child's birthday party and she needed balloons. She tried to make a nice time out of it as they were already going there. Christ 🙄

Why should any of you have to go solo .? Why do men get away with this bullshit. ?

Tell him shape up or ship out!!

tbh going to a shopping centre with young children is something I would avoid if at all possible.

@Ilikeadrink14 totally agree-

Reading your posts. He sounds autistic desperate to retreat to the safety of his home . If the kids misbehave he can manage this at home. Outside he can't he doesn't want people looking at him. Hopefully he isn't using alcohol or other stuff as a calming tool. Either leave nothing will change. Or go out with his mother everywhere he won't mind that half as much as he would your mum as it is his family if that makes sense. I tolerated this shit for years. I dont advise it but that's what you do if this is what you want to tolerate.

And soft play / museum / city farm would be any cheaper?

Options are limited for toddlers when the weather is bad.

And OPs DH doesn’t suggest any alternative options either. He doesn’t actually take them anywhere, in fact. That’s what she needs help with. She’s getting defensive because lots of posters are hung up on the shopping centre. She didn’t post for ideas of places to take the DCs.

After a lifetimes observation-

1. Most men don't really want children;
2. Most men don't like and are not interested in small children, even their own;
3. Lots of women have a seemingly endless capacity to delude themselves about points 1 & 2 not applying to their partners.

The OPs partner may become more interested, when the children are older. That's quite common.

For the moment she can stay with him and accept that child stuff is her job or leave him, in which case child stuff will still end up being her job.

No amount of modelling behaviour, serious talks, putting her foot down or arguments will make any difference.

@EuclidianGeometryFan whilst I suspect you are right it is at least worth trying the 1 child each approach - if he's still disinterested /shitty attitude at that point you know the score- it's either do it yourself or separate

Ffs for all you know they went to a fancy as fuck Victorian arcade full of independent shops and a Waitrose, rather than Bluewater. And she clearly states they do wholesome middle class shite most of the time anyway. The problem is the grumpy dad, stop deflecting and trying to blame op for having the sheer audacity to spend some money on the high street on a weekend.

Well said. For F sake honestly.

I've truly been judged ! Going to a shopping centre is clearly not middle class enough for MN !

Oh the snobbery !

I'd fuck him off out of it OP.

He is a waste of space.

I hear you OP (and understand the shopping centre was an example).

DH went to work, came home and at int he same spot on the sofa every night (still basically does).

I basically just planned things, he was welcome but I didn’t plan around him. Consequently he missed:

• every single birthday party x3 children
• every single parents evening until recently (DC are 19,17 and 14)
• one memorable time he refused to come on holiday with us as the beach was ‘boring’ - we had 3 DC under 6 and I went alone
• every holiday or day out he has come on I have paid for, otherwise it wouldn’t happen
• has never dropped not one child to a party
• over 3 DC all football fanatics he (until recently) had attended perhaps 5 matches in total (to be fair he worked Sat and matches were usually then but if he had a day off he would say no to coming - which would have MADE the kids day - because it was his ‘day off’)

These are just off the top of my head. He improved during Covid, when they are 8, 11 and 13. He enjoys movies and they love Marvel and were happy to watch stuff with us. After that he got a bit better, and now when DS17 signed up for football last year he bought a car to drive him about to matches.

It’s all too little too late though really. DS19
is at uni and called me to ask for his dad’s recipe for example.

I didn’t leave, for the reason stated above, he would have just dumped them on his family and there would be no one to intervene when he would moan about them making noise whilst he watched tv (playing) etc.

We had an argument just the other day where he said ‘they’ve always been YOUR children’ - well, yes, because you opted out.

It suited life to stay and I don’t regret it per se but I have a very full and active life as the kids are getting older, the same cannot be said for him.

Long story short I have no advice. Getting out is probably better than staying if he isn’t universally grumpy even when just chilling at home, but otherwise just make your own life with the kids.

Apologies. I read it as balloons on a stick, from balloon shops, as a day out treat. Not a pack/bunch of balloons for this specific birthday party.

I won’t comment any further, as I can tell both OP (“Fuck sake”) and you (“Christ”) are getting frustrated at different perspectives.

It seems there’s no compromising to be done and OP must end the relationship and/or take on most of the parenting, if her DP won’t happily do things she wants to do with the kids. You can’t make people change if they don’t want to.

Hope the party goes well @sofingmisreable.

it's easier to be a crappy parent and stay at home with the ipad no?

I had one who behaved like this, all the time. He also complained that he hadn't expected parenting to drag on for so long and wanted to sell the house, get some equity out and go and run free, because he has but ONE LIFE and wants to LIVE IT. Our eldest was 12 at the time. Life's been much happier since the husband left.

Where did she say she went out to get balloons for the party @MileyPsoriasis?

He's a miserable old bugger. If it was me, I would be telling him this needs to stop now before the kids have nothing but bad memories of their childhood.

If he doesn't change, I would seriously consider what the point of being with him actually is.

This sounds like good advice.

OP, is your DH aware of how his mood affects everyone?

I must have missed the balloon thing too..

'Well a shopping centre doesn't sound fun'
'Have you tried asking him what he wants to do'
'Can you figure out what activities he enjoys'

Fucking hell, we really have swallowed the patriarchy whole havnt we. He's not spending 24 hours a day with them doing things he hates, he has to suck up doing something mildly unpleasant for a few hours to spend time with his kids. Why is the bar in HELL. Why on earth should OP be responsible for finding stuff her husband enjoys doing? Its his problem, he sorts it. Don't like anything? Okay fine, but not being able to suck it up and try and find some joy in spending time with your kids, for both their sake, the sake of your bond, and your partners sake, means you are a selfish twat. It's not about the activity, it's about the fact he gets defensive when getting called out about being miserable and isn't even trying to find an alternative, so clearly isn't thinking about his kids, or he'd be thinking 'god, I'm am miserable on those days, I really need to work at finding something we can all enjoy because I want to spend time with them'

@sofingmisreable I agree with this.

Me and DH had our now 5 year old a couple of months before lockdown. The newborn phase hit my DH hard, he was an anxious, tired mess for months. He was still a very active parent, nappies, helping in the night etc but he found it very very hard. Just a he was coming out of it, it became apparent lockdown was going to last much longer than we'd anticipated.

By the time things opened up again we were both not exactly at our best, but he was absolutely miserable a lot of the time. Hated staying home but found going out just as hard. I'd try to "give him space" just like you, hoping he'd be refreshed after but it almost had the opposite effect. The more he was "away" from it all, the harder it was to get stuck in. He'd retreat as soon as we got home from somewhere, he'd check out when were with family, he'd say things like "how do you do this all day" whenever our son was upset or fussy or whatever. He was there practically and he did love our son but it's like he found being really "present" impossible.

One day I finally snapped. I sat him down while our son was asleep and burts into tears, I told him I felt like he hated being with us and that I genuinely expected him to leave for work one day and not come home. He was absolutely shook. Burst into tears and apologised. I was very clear - "I know you're struggling, I know you're trying but it's not working and I can't keep doing it all, you're missing out". I stopped giving him "space" and swooping in, he got more involved and started taking DS out on his own a bit more. We checked in with eachother more.

Things are so much better now. They have a great bond, DH gets excited about going places and is the dad chasing the kids around at parties pretending to be The Monster or whatever. He still has times where he struggles and needs a break, like we all do. But we spend loads of time together as a family and it's great.

It seems you are the only one frustrated by different perspectives. You were wrong and whilst it's gracious of you to admit you didn't read the thread properly misinterpreted what she said, you don't need to announce your flounce.
Have a nice Sunday.

Any money worries OP that you are potentially unaware of? It sounds like even though it was only a 2 hour trip out, it was an expensive one, and perhaps unnecessary in terms of eating out?
If not I would get him to arrange the next day out.

So right

If the OP had said she had taken them to the playground people on here would be saying
'thats sounds awful OP i would hate to be standing in a cold windy playground. My idea of hell. Maybe your husand hates that'
or softplay same thing ' all those noisy kids running about? Maybe your husband has undiagnosed asd and had sensory overload. My idea of hell."
forgetting he has a mouth and is able to suggest things. Forgetting he is a parent too and has to help the OP too. Not stand there sulking.

The OP mentions she likes going to the balloon shop so I too interpreted it as getting balloons on a stick type thing and not balloons for the party.

Doesn’t matter what the balloons were for, it’s the DH’s behaviour that is the problem