My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

I understand where DH is coming from as my partner is similar when the kiddo gets to be too much. But there has to be something else at play if it is every time and wanting to return asap. It isn’t normal to want to avoid family time all the time. Is there an underlying MH issue? Or is he just a control freak and can’t handle a lack of control out and about?

This is the second thread I've seen this weekend! Husband hates weekend, hates being out with the kids.
Why is it? Is it because of the weather? Still fatigued after Christmas or are most husbands just miserable so and so's!!

You need to read Reclaiming Motherhood by Zawn Villiers on Substack. Everything you describe is how low value men attack their wives, with the aim of protecting their freedom and making their wives do it all.

LTB.

@sofingmisreable does he play with them in your garden?

I can’t believe people are sympathising with the DH and suggesting that OP has to make the kids do things he wants (so they learn dad always gets his way or will be miserable, great lesson) or organise stuff for him to do with the kids. I mean ffs he’s a grown adult and needs to take some ownership and be a parent. OP was taking the children to the shopping centre without him but he decided to join and be miserable. She was there two hours as well, hardly a hardship for the Dh to endure.

It’s January as well, not many walks outside are going to be fun at the moment. And why would OP want to do it with grumpy DH in tow! Let’s be honest he will be grumpy wherever they go.

Maybe we need to question why there are so many miserable men about these days. I mean you get out what you put in with kids. So many men won’t play with them, take them out, take interest in what they like or don’t like.

I believe a lot of adults don't understand the time, money, energy and concentration involved in looking after kids. I say this as a woman in her 40s never married or had kids, always thought I will adopt one day or was considering fertility treatment alone few years back until I spent some time with my bestfriend and her 2 daughters, one is 5 and other is 8 now but I've known them since they were born. Wow such an eye opener especially as I thought girls would be quiet, sensible etc, the younger one runs around crazy likes all boys stuff and fights with her sister.

We are brought up in a duality mentality life is complete when you get married and have kids but people soon realise it doesn't make you happy inside as it doesn't leave any time and energy for yourself. Its essentially your life for at least 16 years these days, often later financially. I think this is why a lot of couples are unhappy, fight and divorce. I'd definitely not want to be with a man who treated me like a housewife and nanny. There aren't many single modern men who like to help out with house, kids and give enough time and energy necessary to sustain a loving relationship with their partners, which is why I've been single for so long.

Tell him for a long time you’ve been supporting his hobbies in the hope he can be a nice dad for his kids when he goes out, but he isn’t , and your dds birthday was the end. You don’t support him to go to his hobbies, since he never fucking supports you, and you don’t want him to come out with you anymore, it’s better for the kids to not be drained by having to deal with his misery, and just go out with you and have fun. You’ll trial it for a month and decide if life is better without letting him along. And if he thinks he has some dépression he had better use this month to take some action on it.

and step back. ‘We are doing x, see you later.’

I find that men are fundamentally much more selfish and self-centred in day-to-day life than women. They are so good at prioritising themselves.

Mine would absolutely do anything for me and the kids in an extreme situation - fight a lion, stop a robber, walk into a fire with no hesitation - but he was genuinely surprised when I told him many years later how much I hated going to playgrounds. I was literally taking it for the team all their earlier childhood - because kids loved the playgrounds, he hated them, so someone (me usually) would have to take them to the park.

He honestly thought I wanted to stand in the drizzle for hours on end, watching our daughter climbing the same bloody frame over and over again! Yes, I could have argued, but to be honest, as I wasn't going to divorce, it was easier for everyone to leave him at home. But I am much closer to both kids now that they are teens, so he feels he missed out.

I would split it up OP - he takes one, you take the little one.

My H was very like this too - but was actually good once our son got to around 5 - he used to take him to stuff like sootys magic castle or thomas the tank exhibition or vintage car rally's -

Not all kids are into hours walking in parks etc - my son definitely wasn't - and he was actually fine in shopping centres-

I learnt to do lots on my own, and also lots where he took our boy out on his own too but to things that H had picked

My H also hated soft play areas and birthday parties-

He's pathetic. And what's with all the suggestions about how to work around his patheticness?! He wanted children. He's a parent. He needs to pull himself together and act like one. Two hours in town with two small children and another (more capable!) adult should not be beyond his ability to cope without sulking.

How involved is he with the birthday party?

I find that men are fundamentally much more selfish and self-centred in day-to-day life than women. They are so good at prioritising themselves

Totally true !

I organised the whole thing.

Thank you OP. It seemed quite obvious from everything you said that it didn’t matter where you were or what you did, he’s always a miserable git

I'm sorry you're getting some ridiculous responses here OP.
Your husband is a man-child who tantrums when he has to spend time with his family. And publicly sulks causing you embarrassment and making you over compensate trying to cover up his lack of being arsed in front of the kids. He makes you grovel as you try to chivvy him along. Don't do that. Ever.
It seems he doesn't want to do anything with his children because he finds those days out tedious and annoying whatever activity it is you're doing.
I'd fuck him off and never take him with me again. But by doing that, it will give him precisely what he wants, hanging out by himself or doing his own hobbies.
Question if this is the life you want to live forever. Really. He sounds bloody awful for you and the kids.

Is he going to be there for the party @sofingmisreable

It's depressing, but many men are like this. They are used to putting themselves first and are "miserable" doing things that put the children first. They feel that spare time should be spent doing what they want to do. My dad was like this - actually he was worse as he just wouldn't come with us if it didn't interest him. My husband is also a bit like this unfortunately.

It makes me feel furious because they clearly think it's fine for the mother to do "boring" things like hang around a cold park or a grubby soft play centre but their time is too precious to waste on such dross. Our kids were very energetic and need a lot of stimulation, or they would be like Labradors with the zoomies if stuck in the house all weekend. If it was up to their dad he would give them unlimited screen time and snacks so they would shut up and let him read the paper for hours, look at his phone, nap etc.

I work full time too and am the main breadwinner, so I've been very clear that I'm not shouldering all the home stuff to allow him unlimited peaceful leisure time. What has evolved is that he does a lot more cooking and cleaning at the weekend. I take kids out while he does the hoovering and gets a roast on etc. I do wish he wanted to spend more time as a family (yes sometimes it's repetitive and a bit dull but a lot of the time it's fun and I enjoy being out of the house) but I can live with that. He does come with us sometimes and knows he is expected to act with good grace. A couple of times when I've been sick of the sulky face I've told him he should go and live with his (single, grumpy) brother and we'll be fine without him. He knows I mean it and it does the trick.

It's shit though and I sympathise OP.

I’m a nursery teacher in a much colder country than the UK. We are outdoors with our little ones 4-5 hrs a day, and I can assure you they are not bored even in January. Running around, climbing trees or a hill, rolling in puddles or snow, just exploring.

It is what you are making it, and OP’s 2 and 5-year old onöy know what is shown to them. To them a day out will be in a shopping centre with balloons, eating and their mum buying them things. It’s up to the parents what they want for their kids.

But her partner sounds miserable either way, and I wouldn’t be with someone like that. Even if it’s a shopping centre you make the most of it.

Yes !

This ⬆️

Let me guess?

He has never had the kids on his own for a full day?

If he did he would know being out and about is so much easier than being at home and a change of scenery is what’s needed.

Time for a girls day out!!

But what if op needed to go to the shopping centre? You can't just not do things ever because you dont like them, and he chose to go with her and then made it miserable for everyone. So instead of inviting himself along he could have just stayed home and none of this would have happened ( that particular day anyway, sounds like he does this regularly)

Sorry you are going through this. It must be really difficult when you are trying your best for the kids and to look after them and give them good memories. My friend went through a similar situation, she went alone with the kids out and on holidays while he stayed in his man cave. he wanted his freedom and to travel.. they are going through a divorce now as he was having a long time affair with his colleague for years who went to their wedding. Would it be worth talking to him and explaining how he is making you feel as he may not be self aware, as a lot of people are.

It’s irrelevant whether your nursery children like being outdoors though? OP took her children where she felt they would enjoy themselves for 2 hours on a weekend and her DH ruined it. People are getting hung up on the wrong thing. Taking her children on a walk isn’t going to magically solve the DH being miserable and moany. It’s not like he’s even suggested he wants to do that! People are just projecting that being outdoors would be better but I think OP knows her kids and what they enjoy better than anyone on here.

Could he do something directly with them..... Like take them swimming or even just to an activity like swimming lessons/little kickers/music classes . especially if its outside... 2small kids in a shopping centre sounds horrendous to me although i know the weathers shit i would have still rather go to the Park!!
If he likes football/rugby is there a local club he could take the older one..then the younger in a bit??
Or go to the local library?pick a book and change it each week?? Free as well....

All things i can think of dads i know do... My dh it was swimming lessons when little then local music school..
Something focused can be better to engage rather than just mooching?

It is tricky with a 2yr old so maybe alternate 1 :1 then all meet together for lunch or split after lunch ??