My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

I guess the point is, it’s maybe not an enjoyable day out for your DP. Lots of people find shopping malls hellish. Do you do many things outdoors, where you’re not buying them stuff to have fun?

I have three DC (much older now) and we went for lots of walks at weekends. They loved being out in nature, discovering things and us pointing things out to them. They’d play various games on the walks, with sticks they’d picked up etc. They’d come back tired and have a nap or snuggle in front of the tv.

We’d also feel good having been out in nature and fresh air, getting exercise.

We’d take our own sarnies, snacks and drinks (including beers for us!) and treat them to cake a a pot of tea in a cafe or go to the pub with activity books for the kids.

I'd be miserable getting dragged around a shopping centre too, but the birthday party comment is out of order.

If it's getting you down ( as it would get most reasonable women down), I think you should tell him you're concerned about the relationship and you want him to go with you for counselling. He might be able to address the problem he's got better in front of someone other than you. And he should start taking it seriously. If he begged you for child 2 presumably underneath he does want the children but struggles to enjoy time spent with them in the here and now..best wishes OP.

Exactly this. Would it be your personal choice for an afternoon? No. You're right, it's about focusing on your children, getting them out of the house, doing different things, encouraging interactions.
Your husband just can't be bothered.

They weren't "dragged around a shopping centre". The OP was trying to find activities for them.

You seem to have a bigger problem but I cant blame him for being down while on a day out in a shopping center.

I wonder why you actually do this? Is it a way of coping with long days with small children? Is that your idea of fun? Do you enjoy buying them new stuff? Is is hard to think of other activities or challenging to do them?

Maybe for you? Some people get over stimulated in environments like a shopping centre, and in my opinion it’s far for more beneficial for kids aged 3 and 5 to a) rest at home b) play at home c) play in a playground as opposed to be being dragged around a shopping centre! Lots of dads would begrudge being in a shopping centre with whingey kids but come into their own at home doing imaginative play or at the local park running around. My husband is FAR better at the latter than me, and definitely would never volunteer for a day out at the mall! If I forced him to come along, he wouldn’t moan but he is lovely so 🤷🏽‍♀️

Maybe try doing something that includes fresh air and not buying them stuff. Or stand in queues.

You say for you it’s normal, but your kids are 2 and 5 and only know what you are presenting them with. And your husband seems to hate it.

What would he rather do for a "family day out"?

I think enjoying being with small kids is to some extent a choice. It is not necessarily fun in itself. I realised when my oldest was 2 or 3 that say, when they wanted me to 'play' with them and I really didn't feel like it, or when I had to take them out and it felt like hard work, I could do it grudgingly and miserably, or do my best to enjoy it and try to get into it. And yes, the latter made the whole thing go much better.

"Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids"

Tbf, this would hack me right off. 2 more kids suddenly appearing...

😂😂 typo obvs !

I was a lone parent when mine were little. It used to amaze me that so many men didn’t accompany their wives to soft play, other kid’s parties, the park etc because they didn’t enjoy it. Same with swimming lessons or Saturday clubs. It’s as if they think women have some in built desire to sit in a sweaty barn listening to kids screech and providing a never ending array of snacks and drinks! You do it because your kids like it! If it’s something that needs doing; like the OP’s shopping centre visit, you add in the things kids like to do. The idea that you just opt out because you don’t fancy it is so incredibly selfish for the other adult. What he’s saying to your kids is that his time is more valuable, he is more important than them.
When do you get time for yourself?
Perhaps you could remind him that if you split, he will be entertaining them 50% of the time (if he’s one of the decent ones!).Miserable sod!

He always says he wants to take them to things ' he likes '..: but he's never done that. He likes car stuff and car events. Yet to do that though.

This is what we did too. And I am so glad they got to have that upbringing, they talk about it now as young adults with honest happiness.

It's not about me, so I don't know why you say "maybe for you"?
I think the point is that whatever they do and wherever they go, the DH is not a positive and engaged parent.

It does sound like he's being a pain, but OPs first example is a shopping centre and tbh doing that as a family outing with a 3 and 5 year old is awful and I'd want to go home tbh.

My DH used to be like this, he'd love to be a victorian dad (and his dad was tbh) but it's just not acceptable.

OP he needs to start suggesting some activities, with the baseline position that kids do have to be taken out, so he needs to decide what he is prepared to do without whining all through it.

I didn't really word it right re: letting him off parenting. It would be beneficial for op to see just how useless he is as a dh and father, the party comment is unfair, does he not want his children to have a fun life?
I'd be considering getting rid. Bet he doesn't parent the kids on his own.

They can do "car events". Has he suggested taking them to a transport museum, or going to some events featuring cars or transport?

It's not where you went that's the issue, it's the fact he doesn't want to engage with the children or parent them! At home, he retreats off by himself, to do something he wants. Neither behaviour is acceptable. I understand that going to places that interest small children isn't very thrilling for adults. As parents we've all been there! However, he chose to have children (and yes with 2 or more life is harder), no one forced that upon him, so therefore he needs to step up and accept his life has changed. No one says he can't do his hobbies or have 'me' time, but that time needs to be in proportion to spending time as a family but also allowing you time for yourself too!! Just because you're Mum, doesn't mean all the parenting should fall upon you! Being a miserable arse because he can't go off and do his own activities, is selfish. If he doesn't spend quality time with his children, how does he expect to have any kind of relationship with them?!! At the ages they are at the moment, they probably won't notice Daddy's lack of interest or it can be explained away but as they become older, they will realise Dad can't be bothered. Essentially, that's what it boils down too. Your husband needs a kick up the arse (metaphorically!). You need an honest conversation with him.

Also at that age half a day out is fine don't pressure it to be a 'day out'.

For fuck sake.

We also go on walks etc with our kids. We have a massive garden too and take them to the playground and we also have all playground stuff in our garden and country walks on our doorstep !

He's still miserable then and wants to get home quickly.

Sorry that we went to a shopping centre.. my little one has terrible coughs and it's worse if he's got cold outside so I limit the time he spends outdoors when it's very cold. My H is especially worried about my little one getting too cold outside ( no matter how much running around he does and how many layers he has on), so we don't like to keep him outside for long periods when it's very cold. So some play time in the garden and then going shopping / lunch, I sometimes what we do. I didn't know that's such a huge deal to some people. Honestly 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’d rather be on my own than have to put up with him ruining time with my children. They will remember him being a miserable sod when they grow up. Don’t let him taint their memories of their time with you - go out with them on your own

It was 2 hours max.

Clearly not how her DH felt. I don't know a single man who thinks 'Yay, shopping centres are fun.'