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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

481 replies

sofingmisreable · 26/01/2025 08:04

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

OP posts:
I8toys · 26/01/2025 14:05

Going out to a shopping centre is not a fun day out. Its a necessary activity - a chore. In and out quickly and then find something better to do.

The birthday however is another matter. Miserable sod.

My DH would take ours to places on his own to give me a break at the weekend. They loved trains, buses - anything transport related - so would spend time on the bus and going to train stations. Museums - we live next to 2 cities so had plenty of options.

Have you asked him to make suggestions on where to go out that he would enjoy?

StormingNorman · 26/01/2025 14:07

Does he enjoy spending time with the kids at home?

crumblingschools · 26/01/2025 14:07

Our DC liked eating out, so getting lunch at a shopping centre would have been a great day out for him!

TennisToday · 26/01/2025 14:13

Jesus @sofingmisreable the slack you’re getting for the shopping centre! I totally get this as a short activity to get out of the house!

All I can say is that when my kids were your age (same age gap) my DH totally participated in days out. In many ways he was better than I was because it was a bit more novel for him. However the most important thing for him was the kids enjoyment and enrichment. It’s about connecting, leaning and experiencing life. If he’s not seeing how important this is for your kids you need to have a serious conversation with him.

If he wants to do other activities with them I would suggest he arranges this and you’ll come along and he can be the leader.

TennisToday · 26/01/2025 14:16

Also am I picturing this correctly….

You get home, he buggers off while you unpack bags, change nappy, get activies out for kids, unstack dishwasher, put washing on, feed the dog, etc etc

ForZanyAquaViewer · 26/01/2025 14:20

Ceecee2422 · 26/01/2025 14:03

A selfish entitled arsehole because he doesn’t like shopping? 🤣 god forbid someone doesn’t like something in life, what an arsehole they must be……..out of interest what benefit does a shopping centre have for children? Must really educate their minds……..

Show quote history

She’s stated that he’s like this at other activities (museum, park, walks). The shopping centre trip (that he decided to come on - nobody made him) was one example of many. He also doesn’t take them anywhere himself.

The fact that people, including you, have fixated on the shopping centre trip is what that poster is talking about.

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 14:30

Ceecee2422 · 26/01/2025 13:54

Ask him how much he enjoys it on a scale of 1-10 🙄

Show quote history

10 😆
Of course you won't believe me as you'll know my dh better than me, because all men are the same right? Oh and he can go on a day out with our dc and not be a mard arse about it too 🙂

Yogaatsunrise · 26/01/2025 14:33

My dad was like this, he completely ruined our childhood, you need to put your foot down, or he will get a million times worse when they get older.

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 14:34

Ceecee2422 · 26/01/2025 14:03

A selfish entitled arsehole because he doesn’t like shopping? 🤣 god forbid someone doesn’t like something in life, what an arsehole they must be……..out of interest what benefit does a shopping centre have for children? Must really educate their minds……..

Show quote history

What benefit does it have? Read the ops posts and it tells you the activities they do whilst there.

CatrionaBalfour · 26/01/2025 14:40

MumWifeOther · 26/01/2025 13:23

“Getting out of the house and into a different environment is far better than watching a film at home. A shopping centre is fine when the weather is awful.” I was directing it to you, since you stated your opinion.

Show quote history

You said "maybe for you". No, not for me
Mine are in their 30s.
What's I'm doing is not excusing the behaviour of a selfish man.

CatrionaBalfour · 26/01/2025 14:41

So many women on here intent on criticising the OP, or those of us supporting her.
It's not about the shopping centre it's about a man who can't be bothered to parent.

CatrionaBalfour · 26/01/2025 14:42

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 14:34

What benefit does it have? Read the ops posts and it tells you the activities they do whilst there.

Show quote history

It's getting silly now. Some posters are just focused on that one issue, rather than the bigger picture.

Smokesandeats · 26/01/2025 14:44

There’s a family I know well (not mine!) who grew up with a similar type of father. The mother is lovely but never even considered whether to end the marriage, no matter how unpleasant her husband was. The toxic atmosphere between these parents has affected their DC badly. The Mum often talks to me about how she can’t understand why her DC all chose to live hundreds of miles away!

@sofingmisreable you need to decide if your husband’s behaviour is something he can change and if not, whether you can put up with it. You and your DCs deserve so much better.

CatrionaBalfour · 26/01/2025 14:44

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 14:30

10 😆
Of course you won't believe me as you'll know my dh better than me, because all men are the same right? Oh and he can go on a day out with our dc and not be a mard arse about it too 🙂

Show quote history

My DH was the same! A great Dad, very involved, no moaning and doing all sorts of stuff. Funny that!

crumblingschools · 26/01/2025 15:05

For those saying what benefit does a shopping centre have for kids, this was one of the issues with lockdown many young children were denied the every day interactions like going to shopping centres etc which all help with their development

bucketsoflove · 26/01/2025 15:05

You're getting a hard time here OP, not sure why, perfectly normal to pop to the shopping centre, grab lunch and a few things as a family.

But to answer your original question, no I do not have a husband like this, and I would not stay with one who was unable to enjoy spending time with family - the comment about your DDs birthday party is awful. It might be noisy, crazy and exhausting but it's your DDs birthday party...

If it's more fun to do activities on your own then what's the point of him? What will the DC think as they get older as dad either stays away from family activities or ruins them? There seem to be quite a lot of men like this based on MN posts, makes me sad that women end up with both them and their children being treated like this. You all deserve better.

Risheth · 26/01/2025 15:08

bucketsoflove · 26/01/2025 15:05

You're getting a hard time here OP, not sure why, perfectly normal to pop to the shopping centre, grab lunch and a few things as a family.

But to answer your original question, no I do not have a husband like this, and I would not stay with one who was unable to enjoy spending time with family - the comment about your DDs birthday party is awful. It might be noisy, crazy and exhausting but it's your DDs birthday party...

If it's more fun to do activities on your own then what's the point of him? What will the DC think as they get older as dad either stays away from family activities or ruins them? There seem to be quite a lot of men like this based on MN posts, makes me sad that women end up with both them and their children being treated like this. You all deserve better.

That’s not a normal weekend activity for me. Spending several hours in a shopping centre with a 2 and 5 year old sounds like pure hell.

AngryBookworm · 26/01/2025 15:12

God this would give me the ick, OP. I'm a massive introvert, hate shopping centres but would absolutely either slap on a happy face for the kids or (as it sounds like he had the option to do) not go, then when you got home take over parenting duties for a bit. At least with toddler and teenage mood swings you know they'll grow out of it. Imagining this being your life forever would make me despair. Adult men really cannot be moving through lives that, by and large, they have chosen as though they're a teenager stuck in double Maths. Grim.

Nonaynevernomore · 26/01/2025 15:13

Ceecee2422 · 26/01/2025 13:47

I don’t know any blokes that will happily go along to a shopping centre for 1 hour never mind 2, the OP stated he decided to come along not that it was somewhere he wanted to go, who knows any bloke that actually enjoys going to a shopping centre fgs? A gay guy maybe who is into clothes shopping, personally I don’t even like clothes shopping and traipsing in and out of shops never mind men………even if I take my partner to ikea he tries to use every shortcut to get to the exact item we went there for in as shorter time as possible………shopping is not a man’s idea of a nice day out and it isn’t a day out for children either, walking in and out of shops has to be the most mind numbing activity known to man………

Edited
Show quote history

As if every man is the same! Why stereotype so much!

He didn’t have to go and be a complete misery, why are you twisting it to say the poor little man whilst asking to go, didn’t really want to go and somehow OP should have dealt with that.

your man sounds like a child, going to Ikea and trying every shortcut to get his hotdog at the end quicker.

Teach him some manners or don’t take him.

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 15:16

Risheth · 26/01/2025 15:08

That’s not a normal weekend activity for me. Spending several hours in a shopping centre with a 2 and 5 year old sounds like pure hell.

Show quote history

But it is for some people.

Nonaynevernomore · 26/01/2025 15:17

Risheth · 26/01/2025 15:08

That’s not a normal weekend activity for me. Spending several hours in a shopping centre with a 2 and 5 year old sounds like pure hell.

Show quote history

Who cares?

You’re not OP, so it’s totally irrelevant.

Doodleflips · 26/01/2025 15:19

I had one like this. I told him he wasn’t allowed to join us, as I was so sick of him ruining everything with his childish and selfish behaviour.
I stuck to it, but then we had to go to a family wedding abroad.
He then ruined the holiday by being rude to my family and being vile to me in front of them.
He is now an ex and thank fuck for that.
I will never tolerate that kind of behaviour again.

thinktwice36 · 26/01/2025 15:27

He is being a misery of course, however I would balk at the idea that taking kids to a shopping centre is a ‘fun’ activity.

GreenCandleWax · 26/01/2025 15:29

Remind him that you are a partnership, and he doesn't get to dive out of the parenting part of it. When he "retreated" on getting home, you needed to tell him to step up, be a dad, and take part in family life. He can't put everything on to you.💐

RawBloomers · 26/01/2025 15:32

YANBU. Your DH is being miserable, it must be difficult for you and your DC to be around him.

I think morally it’s his responsibility to sort this out, not yours to come up with some way that will actually get him to engage with his children as a loving father. But that mindset in your current situation is likely a fairly straight path to divorce. If that’s what you want, then take it. But if you’d like to see if you can change the dynamic and get him to re-engage with family then there are a few suggestions on this thread that you could try. I would add (I don’t think I’ve seen this suggested) getting him to plan taking your older one out while you take the younger one. Separate trips, ideally he plans his though if you suggest a car show nearby or something the first time, that might make it more likely to work well.

This isn’t supposed to be a long term plan of you always doing separate things, him with the older “easier” child and you wrangling the toddler, it’s supposed to be a step back into him enjoying spending time with his kids again. Though long term, occasional days out 1:1 with each parent is really good for kids.