My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

Honestly, to all those posters saying: 'ask him what he wants to do', 'find out his triggers', 'offer alternative solutions' - this is a grown-ass man and a father. Surely the OP doesn't need to parent him as well?

What's wrong with Bluewater? 😂😂

Being petulant on days out and ruining special family occasions is a trait that many abusive men have. Have a read of 'why does he do that' and see if you can recognise anything else on how he's behaving (free pdf available online)

Oh, leave the fun sponge at home to sulk!!! Go and enjoy your days out with your kids. That's what I started do. We had some great days out and unlike him (now my ex), haven't misses out on mine growing up.

Beers??

But who on earth would’ve been on hand to drive to A & E

(etc)

• klaxon *

Mmm my mum was like this on holidays etc

I couldn't agree more!

This!

Why are a majority of posters all justifying him doing it??!! You all need to give your head a wobble.

OP - my EXH did this. I left him. We have lovely days out together instead and go home when we actually want to and not because of a sulky man child.

FML! OP doesn't need suggestions for different activites- he's miserable no matter what they are doing!!!!!
Try this, try that. Maybe it's this? Maybe it's that?
Maybe- hear me out- he's a c*nt?

My DM does this, she wants to see DS but moans as soon as we get anywhere. He's in foster care and the carer puts in so much effort to find interesting things to do for contact. I get that it's her anxiety, but no Mum, we don't know where we're going, the O2 is a big shopping mall, we're browsing. I don't really want to stop inviting her, as it's the only contact she has with DS. So I just have to put up with us all being miserable for 4 hours.

Lots of posters seem to be missing the point here. The H chose to go on the outing- OP had intended to go alone (with or without kids isn’t clear). In that scenario it really isn’t relevant what the outing was. He either decided to come because he didn’t want to be alone parenting his children, or because he had nothing better to do, but having chosen to go he ruined the trip for everyone else.

He also chose to have 2 kids and then to withdraw from parenting them, apparently, instead making family time unpleasant but not being proactive at planning something he thinks would be better, and expecting or allowing the OP to give him ‘hobby time’ every weekend while ignoring anything reciprocal.

It’s pretty outrageous behaviour. If the conversation has been had and nothing changes, the options get a bit more drastic- either LTB or suck it up and accept that this is going to be life with him. I guess it depends on what positives he brings to the relationship, maybe it’s worth putting up with the grumpiness and lack of parenting. Only @sofingmisreable will know if it is or not.

Curious about what these “hobbies” you mention leaving plenty of time for are OP. I’m going to take a wild guess that it’s gaming.

I know! They all so patronising.

'You know OP, some people just hate shopping centres. They so noisy, nobody would suggest it as a family day out. Why dont you ake them to a park/museum
I did that with my kids, loved being outside' etc.'

Have you not read the bit where she says tjhe husband does thisbwoth everything??

I make mine go out with the kids on his own. I book something (this afternoon it’s the cinema in town) & I tell him he’s taking the kids and I’m staying here to have time to do what I want. He grumbles at me and then he goes. I make sure they are all fed well beforehand (including the husband.)

The great irony is, his behaviour is exactly as you describe in your post, BUT only if I am also present. If I’m there he has a fallback, & can act like the petulant child and huff and puff and start whinging about going home an hour into the activity. The logic is simple - I therefore remove myself from the equation. When he finds himself alone with the kids he has to be an adult and take charge. He must put their needs and enjoyment first. And, crucially, he knows he can’t grumble and ruin the experience but must enjoy his time with them.

I'd lose my shit at him, tell him to man the fuck up and actually enjoy his children or fuck off and start paying maintenance because you didn't sign up to be the sole parent and you definitely didn't sign up to marry this bloke who is such a misery that his face would crack if he smiled.

Because there's a large portion of people on here who apparently hate going anywhere with anyone and think admitting to just enjoying things (especially with children) means they must be boring or simple or something. It's actually very sad.

Maybe cycling. Or golf!

He's never going to change on his own so you need to decide what you want and what your limits are.

If separating is a hard no for whatever reason then figure out how to make life pleasant for you. Don't include him, if he says he wants to tag along say no.

Or give him an ultimatum to step up or GTFO. But if you do that you have to mean it.

Dragging along in this miserable half life is such a waste for you and your kids.

No it's not gaming, it's car related.

My father was like this - but the main and crucial difference is he didn't actually want to be a parent in the first place. Myself and my two brothers exist because my mother is Catholic.

The only semi-regular outing we had as a family when I was primary school age was to go to the nearest large town every 2 weeks on a Saturday to do a 'big' food shop. My mother didn't drive (says my father wouldn't 'let' her learn) and was a SAHM (says my father wouldn't 'let' her get a paid job). This was in the late 70s.

My father hated family life and left it as soon as he could, got a job working abroad when I was 9, did that until I was nearly 18 and then left my mother for another woman when I had just turned 21 (he waited until my younger brother turned 18).

I think OP's husband has found that his idea of being a father doesn't match the reality. So bad, so sad for him, but I'd be more concerned for the children, they don't deserve to spend their childhood with such a fucking misery...and don't think it won't be noticed or rubbing off on them, it will be. I've spent most of my adult life being a terrible people pleaser, especially where men are concerned, because that was the message I was given by BOTH my parents as a child - that the man's wants, feelings etc were ALWAYS more important than the woman's.

Mine too. I spoke to my mum about it as an adult and she said that she said that her life dramatically improved when she understood that he just doesn't know how to entertain a very young child. He was much, much better from about age of seven or eight when we spent most of our time off school with him doing different things.

Trying to make him be something he isn't, or trying to make her the kind of parent he is to older children just wouldn't work for either of them. She's in bed by 10. She's not the one you call for drunken lifts home or for an impromptu driving holiday around France.

I don't remember my father being "absent" as a caregiver. I remember him always being in my life. Yet both parent will readily admit he's never changed a nappy. It means that the fact my parents had quite rigid roles hasn't ever made me feel as if one parent never raised me.

I don't believe that all parents need to share all duties equally. If you even want your roles to follow traditional gendered stereotypes and rarely expand outside of those, I think that's fine. My partner is from a culture where things work exactly that way and their relationships are no less unhealthy or doomed than anyone else's.

He has checked out.

Have you noticed that when the spotlight is not on him then he spoils things for others

If he thinks that even his child’s birthday is a “ball ache” maybe tell him he doesn’t have to be there. In fact why is he even there.

A set of reins attached to an extendable dog lead would replace him.

Brought up 2 with similar age gap and who have since been diagnosed with ADHD who couldn’t be trusted not to run off when out.

And a trip to a big shopping centre with lots of activities going on was a day out.

The sad thing is, your kids will notice - if they haven’t yet - that their dad is not interested in them or in caring for them. And this is soul crushing.

I would strongly suggest a couple‘s therapy and talking about your way forward. Because you pulling all the weight and him showing clearly that he doesn’t give a fuck about this kids or their happiness (not even being excited for their birthday!) is not a healthy household and relationship to live in. Especially not as a role model to your children.

if he doesn’t want to go to therapy I would suggest you take a couple hours for yourself and really really ask yourself if this is a relationship you want to stay in. You’re basically already a single mother.

@JustAskingThisQ what happens if a mother doesn't really like al the drudge that comes with small children, don't want to change nappies, do they get to opt out too? Why is it men get the 'you don't have to interact with small children' card but women very rarely get the choice to have that card?

“Getting out of the house and into a different environment is far better than watching a film at home. A shopping centre is fine when the weather is awful.” I was directing it to you, since you stated your opinion.