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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

525 replies

eskopt2 · 25/01/2025 22:50

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

OP posts:
Notgivenuphope · 26/01/2025 00:15

You have handled this really well OP. Called her, had a chat and a bit of reassurance and she is now ok and enjoying herself. If she just comes home, she ay associate sleepovers as ‘something I can’t do’, and given that she isn’t really distressed, this was the most sensible course of action. Sobbing and feeling ill would be another thing. It’s normal for kids to have a wobble when they get tired. I bet when you pick her up tomorrow she won’t want to come home.

MumChp · 26/01/2025 00:17

PreferMyAnimals · 26/01/2025 00:12

Again, it's fine to not want to change out of your pjs - as long as you do it, feeling like it or not.

I think the scenarios are comparable because they are all situations where the child just knows the parent isn't there for them. They don't see the bigger picture. They just know the parent isn't there. It is all cumulative over time.

I've raised six teens and young adults who always came to me and know I'm there for them, as do their friends whose parents aren't as trusted as me. I am most definitely not a perfect parent but I am always there if they need me, and they know it.

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I have two at university and one in primary school.
I am not a fuzzy mum and anyway their friends would go to me or my husband if they needed a grown up. It's not that simple.

I don't think this child returns tomorrow thinking "my parent let me down" hurt for the rest of childhood as many seem to express.
At all. It was a woble. Not a melt down. And the child is with a friend with her mother taking care of them.

hulahooper2 · 26/01/2025 00:21

go get her , she’s obviously upset enough for the mum to call you and it’s not fair on her to leave an upset child overnight

hulahooper2 · 26/01/2025 00:22

and 11pm is hardly the middle of the night

bendmeoverbackwards · 26/01/2025 00:22

Hopper123 · 25/01/2025 23:33

Everything in context. that's not the precedent being set that if you don't like something mummy will come get you it's about letting them know that if they feel unsafe or unhappy in a situation they are in that you are there. If a child called me and said the teacher told me off or I dont like the lesson of course I'd say suck it up buttercup...but when they get to teenage years and go to a party they don't feel comfortable at or are waiting for a bus and there is some weirdo creep there you're damn right they are going to learn from a young age that whatever the time or place they can count on me to be there or do what I can to help them. I agree that lots of kids could do neither learning resilience and independence but that needs to be done in appropriate ways. The poor girl is 9 and all she is learning is that if she is feeling unsafe or anxious she'll be left to deal with it on her own. Her parents won't be there. Very sad.

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She might feel unsafe but the reality is that she is safe and it’s important to teach kids the difference. And anxiety is part of life, it’s horrible and unpleasant but it won’t harm us and it passes.

PreferMyAnimals · 26/01/2025 00:23

MumChp · 26/01/2025 00:17

I have two at university and one in primary school.
I am not a fuzzy mum and anyway their friends would go to me or my husband if they needed a grown up. It's not that simple.

I don't think this child returns tomorrow thinking "my parent let me down" hurt for the rest of childhood as many seem to express.
At all. It was a woble. Not a melt down. And the child is with a friend with her mother taking care of them.

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I agree because the mother was there for her. She phoned her and told her she would come if still needed later.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 26/01/2025 00:29

My mum was always really funny about sleepovers. She drummed it into me that if I wanted to come home she’d get me at anytime. I do the same with my kids who are now teens “if you need me call me I will be there straight away. And if anything happens you don’t like you need to come home.” Go get her or at least go and see her and make sure she is ok. Jesus parent ffs.

Closetheblinds · 26/01/2025 00:29

You should get her, she needs the security of knowing you will be there to get her when she needs you. She is still very young too, so many kids do this on their first few sleep overs. It’s not the same as being at home in your own comforts with mum or dad safely in the background

BeaLola · 26/01/2025 00:29

Maybe I shouldn’t have promised I’d pick her up,

Really

I guess posting on MN was more important

takealettermsjones · 26/01/2025 00:31

PreferMyAnimals · 26/01/2025 00:12

Again, it's fine to not want to change out of your pjs - as long as you do it, feeling like it or not.

I think the scenarios are comparable because they are all situations where the child just knows the parent isn't there for them. They don't see the bigger picture. They just know the parent isn't there. It is all cumulative over time.

I've raised six teens and young adults who always came to me and know I'm there for them, as do their friends whose parents aren't as trusted as me. I am most definitely not a perfect parent but I am always there if they need me, and they know it.

Edited
Show quote history

I think I might have misunderstood you - I am in agreement that kids need to know you're there for them. At 9 I would always go and get my kid, and I am not a perfect parent either 😆

DottieMoon · 26/01/2025 00:35

Teacaketotty · 25/01/2025 22:51

Wow - she’s 9 at her first sleepover? Can’t believe you’d even consider not going straight over to collect her!

I agee, terrible. I would have got her straight away. I feel sorry for your daughter.

SleepPrettyDarling · 26/01/2025 00:36

I actually think you’re being inconsiderate to the host mum by not collecting your daughter.

LazyArsedMagician · 26/01/2025 00:37

So few of you seem to be able to trust 1) other parents and 2) that your own kids will be able to navigate life as they get older if you don't swoop in the second they express any discomfort.

I mean: You go get her because next time she feels uncomfortable in a situation she won't trust her gut and that will leave her in potentially dangerous situations. You go and get her because when she's in trouble she'll think she can't call you and will leave herself in dangerous situations. You go get her because to not do leads her to think that once you make a decision you can't change your mind.

Case in point. Ignores that OP has had a conversation with the child completely. Assumes that children will take one experience - the absolutely heinous experience of feeling a bit homesick at her first sleepover - and it will shape practically her every move going forward. Negatively of course. Couldn't possibly be that the child wakes in the morning, has breakfast, comes home full of beans of the exciting evening she's had a how silly her late night wobbles seem now.

But whatever. I can't say that I wouldn't have collected, but I'd certainly not be treating this like some sort of seminal life event that others seem to think it is.

Tootiredmummyof3 · 26/01/2025 00:39

Snugglemonkey · 25/01/2025 23:57

Me too! I was at a friend's house recently. They were hosting a dinner party, but their 15 year old messaged asking to be collected around 10 because people were taking drugs in the house she was staying and she was uncomfortable. Her friend's parents were out.

Noone could drive, having had a drink, but my friend rang a taxi, rang their daughter, and said they were on the way. Thankfully, it was not a massive distance, nor a ling waiting time.

Daughter came home, said she was uncomfortable as soon as drugs were produced and messaged. While waiting on being collected, people were "acting weird" (no wonder), and a guy she knew was upsetting her because he kept stroking her leg then her arms when she stood to get away.

Yes, in an ideal world, her pick up would have been asap (maybe 5-10 mins) but it was as soon as possible (10-15 mins) but she got home. Safe. She called for help at the first sign of trouble. I have younger children, but this is entirely what I want for my children. If anything, it demonstrates that when ours are older, I still might not have a drink, even if they are "safe" at a friend's house.

Sometimes their vision of safe turns out not that safe, or sometimes they don't feel safe, when they really are. But, I will be the parent who rescues and doesn't give a shit about it, doesn't give them shit about it, because that is how best to keep them safe I feel.

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There is a massive difference between a 9 year old staying at a friend's house and a 15 year old at a party with drugs. In one situation they need to be picked up, in the other they don't.
I think you did the right thing OP. You spoke to your DD, she was calm and happy by the end of the call and decided to stay. She had a wobble and you helped her through it.
Why are people saying 9 is too young for a sleepover? What is the correct age? My girls started having sleepovers about that age, never had a problem.

SimplyReadHead · 26/01/2025 00:39

eskopt2 · 25/01/2025 22:50

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

my kids know that I will ALWAYS come running the second things get a bit tough.

that helps them grow up feeling secure and confident and - ironically - more able to do scary things.

Growlybear83 · 26/01/2025 00:41

Isn't part of being a parent that you will ALWAYS come running when you're needed ?

Brainded · 26/01/2025 00:41

I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.
…..@eskopt2 really??! You don’t want her to think you will come running at a moments notice?! Well done, this is the saddest thing I’ve read in quite a while. This is the complete opposite to what most parents want their children to think…you are aware of that?!!

marshmallowfinder · 26/01/2025 00:43

SimplyReadHead · 26/01/2025 00:39

. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

my kids know that I will ALWAYS come running the second things get a bit tough.

that helps them grow up feeling secure and confident and - ironically - more able to do scary things.

Show quote history

Or turn into the type of kids whose mum goes to job interviews with them...😄

bendmeoverbackwards · 26/01/2025 00:44

Growlybear83 · 26/01/2025 00:41

Isn't part of being a parent that you will ALWAYS come running when you're needed ?

A big part of being a parent is to raise an independent person who can function without you. It doesn’t happen overnight but in very small steps.

MumChp · 26/01/2025 00:46

Growlybear83 · 26/01/2025 00:41

Isn't part of being a parent that you will ALWAYS come running when you're needed ?

... if you are needed.

Hohohosiery · 26/01/2025 00:46

also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

That is EXACTLY what I would want to set for my 9-year old. I will come for her, always.

valentinka31 · 26/01/2025 00:49

Fetch her straight away.

She will be traumatised even more if you don't, and she will not want to go on another sleepover for years.

The other mum wouldn't have said to get her if she wasn't really upset.

I have done this, many of us have, going to pick them up from a sleepover before the actual sleeping! And I've had kids come to us for a sleepover, seem super happy and fine, then as soon as it gets dark and they're lying in a strange room and strange house, however nice, that's when they don't like it.

No need whatsoever to push it. But maybe DH should go, if you are already in pjs?

Growlybear83 · 26/01/2025 00:50

@bendmeoverbackwards It's one thing raising a child to be independent but you don't leave a nine year old in distress and not collect them when they were upset enough to want to come home. And as I said earlier, it's also extremely unfair to leave the other parent having to look after someone else's child who wants to go home. Hopefully the OP was able to reassure her daughter enough that she will be ok, but I don't understand why any mother would ask advice from an internet forum when a nine year old child was upset and wanted her.

valentinka31 · 26/01/2025 00:50

Hohohosiery · 26/01/2025 00:46

also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

That is EXACTLY what I would want to set for my 9-year old. I will come for her, always.

Totally agree. She should feel that you will come straight away if she doesn't like it.

She has plenty of years to grow up, and then forever as an adult, so it's ok to treat her as a dependent child now I think. She's just learning.

valentinka31 · 26/01/2025 00:51

Growlybear83 · 26/01/2025 00:41

Isn't part of being a parent that you will ALWAYS come running when you're needed ?

yes it is.