To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

I agree entirely with this.

This little girl was obviously safe, just a bit homesick. There are a lot of hysterical over reactions on this thread. I think OP handled it very well by talking to her DD to assess the situation. If the DD now makes it to the morning it will do her confidence a lot of good.

I am also surprised how many people think 9 is so young for sleepovers. I think mine started having them at about 6. First Brownie camp at 7 and school residentials started from Year 4.

No

She has plenty of years to grow up, and then forever as an adult

@valentinka31 beautifully put. Don't rush it - she will naturally grow into wanting to stay at her friend's house with no issues, not many years now until she doesn't even want you to drop her off or be involved at all. Kids grow in their own time but grow up they certainly will.

There is so much drama and hysteria on this thread. It’s weird.

Op I wouldn't say your DD was silly before. She felt some emotions. It's ok for her to feel uncertain.
We can have conflicting emotions and just need someone to help us acknowledge them and process them.

We are large, we contain multitudes.

Wow. Id pick up my 16y old son at 11pm if he asked me to, never mind my 9y old daughter.

I'm really surprised at a lot of the comments saying 9 is really little or too young for a first sleepover! I think I was 4 when I had my first one! 😂 My mum was really good friends with the other mum. I had loads of sleepovers consistently from 6 onwards (with close friends whose parents my friends trusted). At 10, I flew to France alone (supervised by airline crew) to have a week's summer holiday with my best friend (her family lived out there). I would also describe myself as a sensitive child, but all this was absolutely fine. Now, of COURSE all kids are different and it depends on the child, but I'm genuinely surprised that a lot of the responses consider 9 just blanket too young for a nearby sleepover at a best friend's house!
For what it's worth, I think the OP's approach of checking in on her and waiting a bit to see if she settled seems very sensible. If she got worse or was very upset, then of course go get her, but immediately dropping everything does seem a bit OTT (not cruel or alarming!)!

I've reared three kids and been through multiple sleepover and other dramas and I feel that if a 9 year old can't rely on you to come and get her from being nervous about sleeping in a strange house - then what the fuck can she rely on you for? What if she was worried about something she couldn't explain to her friend's mother??? Sorry but that is basic parenting for a 9 year old. If she goes on a sleepover you spend the rest of the night expecting to get a call -it is a pain but there it is.

I had a rule with my kids when they did sleepovers that if they felt in anyway uneasy or nervous or something was not quite right they should tell the mum that they had a headache and needed to come home. It happened once with dd2. I went and picked her up. The mum had gone out to pick up food and the older sister was being an utter bitch to my dd's friend. dd wasn't used to that and didn't want to stay there (the mum who I liked guessed what happened and asked me about it). What should I do - tell her to tough it out and sleep with people she was uncomfortable with age 9 - while we slept in her home down the road???

Sleepovers were a pain because I could have a glass of wine if they were all at home in bed. I couldn't if they were on sleepovers in case I needed to go get them.

The main thing that kept jumping out to me op was the way you kept saying that your dd was safe, good friends parent, Lovely house etc. My heart actually sank at that and I think you come across as disconnected with your dd. She's 9 her emotions are all over the place, that's what you put first. Sounds like your dd put on a brave face and told you what you want to hear.

You did the right thing OP and I thought that before I learned of the conclusion. We want to raise confident and resilient children who will not break at the first sign of trouble.

If every time your child gets a bit wobbly you swoop in and bail them out then you're actually stifling their growth. This is actually a form of abuse if taken to the extreme i.e the parent keeps their child more dependent than they need to be out of a selfish form of need. It becomes about what the parent needs, not what's best for the child. It's well intentioned yes but just as incidious.

If it had been my own child I would have asked to speak to them on the phone or perhaps even face timed. I would remain calm as children often need us to regulate their emotions for them. I would have stressed the positives and fun of the sleepover and reminded them of previous occasions of when they thought they couldn't do something but toughed it through to victory and how good that felt.

Then, if we've tried everything and nothing is working, that's when I would go and pick them up. To do so before even trying is quite frankly ridiculous and a massive overaction. No wonder children have no resilience these days.

"Don't worry, Mummy will fix it," is what makes awful husbands 20 years down the line. Sometimes kids need tough love, other times they need cuddles, everything in moderation, everything has it's time and place.

This can’t be a real post. No one in their right mind would ask this question.

I'd go and get her. I understand what you mean about building resilience, but it's not fair on the other mum to keep her in this position.

Definitely go and get her!

I’m glad it’s sorted OP. Ringing/FaceTiming your DD first was the ideal solution as it gave you the opportunity to gauge the situation. Sounds as if she just needed a bit of reassurance from her mum.

However, you said:

“I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.”

And you also said you regretted telling her that you’d come and get her if she wanted.

I can’t quite wrap my head around this. To my mind, knowing that you can always rely on your mum is one of the greatest things in life. It doesn’t need to be rational, sometimes you can’t even explain exactly what’s wrong - but knowing your mum (or dad) will be there for you is just so reassuring at any age, let alone 9 years old!

I don’t think that makes children weak - I think it’s the opposite. Knowing that a parent will always have your back if you can’t manage gives you the courage to try new things and be brave. Knowing there’s always someone there for you is extremely liberating and gives you the confidence to develop new skills.

Whatever else I’ve git wrong as a parent, I’m confident my DC are certain that I’d pick them up from anywhere in a heartbeat, regardless of their age. You never know what’s going on and it’s important that children don’t feel judged or unable to talk to you. Tonight it might just be a creaky unfamiliar house - another time it might be a man that she feels unsafe with, but doesn’t know why. I have plenty of my own interests but I think part of my job as a mum is to provide unconditional love and support. I find it mind blowing that you think it was wrong to tell a 9 yr old that you’d get her if she was unhappy. Of course that was the right thing to do!!

Being on hand to provide a bit of reassurance was perfect and sometimes that’s all it takes. Leaving a child to get on with it doesn’t build resilience - it creates an anxious, nervy child who’s too scared to try new things. Glad she’s ok and I hope she enjoyed the rest of her sleepover.

I’m shocked. I thought nine was quite old for a sleepover? I went on my first at 4. I’d have expected her to stay, she’d have been fine 😬

I think this is the right way to do it OP. You’ve had some really mad responses on here.

Not often I agree with the husband..

@5foot5

All the hysterical, helicopter parents on this thread have helped explain the problems I see every day in school. This week alone I have seen:

A child go home after a very minor fall. Tiny graze on ankle and no bumped head. Then taken to A&E and off for two days.

Another child needed to call home for reassurance after a geography test.

One arrived with a pic of mum and dad, sent in by mum to help their DD’s imaginary anxiety.

One child wasn’t able to get on the bus for the school trip. He was hyperventilating and mum said he’d never been anywhere without her other than school.

These children are 11

Stop overreacting to every situation. What the OP did was a fine example of first class parenting. Her DD will be filled with pride at her first sleepover. The next time she will remember it was great, instead of recalling how she had to go home and wondering will it happen again. You are all doing your children a massive disservice.

My DD had her first school residential (two nights) at 6. At 7 she did pony camp for four nights. Sleeping in a field in tents. Not a single tear was shed in four days.

Ask yourself why we are seeing more and more DC’s with anxiety snd MH issues. Hold up that mirror.

Great job @eskopt2

You told her she was being ‘silly’ on the phone for being upset and homesick, and she is 9 years old??

This is seriously shit parenting op. Staggeringly so.

Your poor dd. The poor kid is learning she can’t rely on you to keep your word as you said you would collect her, she is learning to swallow down her valid feelings and has now learnt to laugh on cue when someone calls her ‘silly’ for being afraid and homesick. Fucking hell.

Slow clap for you op.

I sincerely hope this is a troll.

Secure attachments don’t come from the home of hard knocks, but of parents doing as they said they would, and delivering on their promises. So trust can be built.

it comes froin understating each child develops independence at different times and stages, and it does not need to be rushed to suit the parents. That all children are different, some more adventurous than others, some children are homebodies and always will be.

It comes from knowing when you are afraid, and wanting to be at home you WILL be collected, and comforted so the next time you give it a try you do so knowing you will have support, a safety net and aren’t trapped and overwhelmed.

Honestly this is just so basic, and so important to a child’s feelings of trust and safety.

You have let her down op, she will never tell you that, but she has learnt that when she is sad and upset you won’t keep your promises and be there for her. It sounds like she is rapidly turning into a people pleaser, happy to be laugh at your insults. My heart goes out to her.

For those parents saying those critiquing OP are hysterical, I would never, ever, call building trust in your child that you would always come, hysterical. I’d just call it basic parenting.

www.allianceforchildren.org/blog/2019/01/safe-sleepovers

Hi @Yogaatsunrise AKA Helicopter mum

By contrast you’d have called the police and got them to blue light you to the scene of you traumatised DD, whilst summoning an ambulance and two fire engines. You’d have told her what a silly mummy you were for letting her do the sleepover and it was all your fault. You’d have whisked her home and into your bed after going online and booking a counsellor for her anxiety.

Result - DD learns that she can’t rely on your judgement.

Slow clap for you OP

Quick call social services and get her adopted.

Omg! Hysteria in its finest hour.

You seem to be the one that’s hysterical judging by your response to a measured post.

There are some seriously rough parents on here.

Start saving for your kids therapy now my friend, it’s not the 1940s.

You csn be kind to kids, and deliver on your promises without them turning magically into snowflakes before your very eyes 🙄