To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

’Poor daughter’ How ridiculous!
Well done OP for teaching your DD some resilience.

I had a friend of my DD for a sleepover recently. The friend started crying in the night at about 2am, my DH woke me to say he could hear crying, I went in to her and she was really upset and just kept saying she wanted to go home, that wasn’t an option as her Mum was away which is why she asked me to have her. But we were up for a good hour - I won’t be doing it again for a while, she was too young at 8.

I don't see why. OP was there and spoke to her DD. DD decided to stay longer and was told she'd be picked up, with OP having her phone on loud, if she still wasn't happy. Sounds fine to me.

I hear a mum say if the kid really needed her she would go.
I really don't get why we cant be kind to each other instead of telling OP she does a terrible job.

Nope. The OP didn't even attempt to go and get her daughter. Read her most recent post. She has rung her daughter, and apparently it's all good now and the daughter is even laughing and joking about how incredibly silly she has been now.

So all's well that ends well eh?

Was the girl's mum really away? Or was it that she just couldn't be arsed to go out to get her daughter, because she was busy watching TV, and already in her dressing gown?

What I'm hearing is: I don't want to go because it's late, and I'm in my pajamas. I'm hearing that because that's what OP said.

But whatever.

Me too! I was at a friend's house recently. They were hosting a dinner party, but their 15 year old messaged asking to be collected around 10 because people were taking drugs in the house she was staying and she was uncomfortable. Her friend's parents were out.

Noone could drive, having had a drink, but my friend rang a taxi, rang their daughter, and said they were on the way. Thankfully, it was not a massive distance, nor a ling waiting time.

Daughter came home, said she was uncomfortable as soon as drugs were produced and messaged. While waiting on being collected, people were "acting weird" (no wonder), and a guy she knew was upsetting her because he kept stroking her leg then her arms when she stood to get away.

Yes, in an ideal world, her pick up would have been asap (maybe 5-10 mins) but it was as soon as possible (10-15 mins) but she got home. Safe. She called for help at the first sign of trouble. I have younger children, but this is entirely what I want for my children. If anything, it demonstrates that when ours are older, I still might not have a drink, even if they are "safe" at a friend's house.

Sometimes their vision of safe turns out not that safe, or sometimes they don't feel safe, when they really are. But, I will be the parent who rescues and doesn't give a shit about it, doesn't give them shit about it, because that is how best to keep them safe I feel.

I would always go. I would always want my child to call me if they were uncomfortable whether they were 9 or 39. I think teaching her that she doesn't have to push through when she is uncomfortable is a pretty important lesson. She isn't doing a presentation for a work event, she has to get undressed and sleep somewhere she isn't happy with.

Exactly!

I'd still go and get my 14 year old.

The message I want them to have is if they are upset or uncomfortable in any situation, I will go and get them.

Obviously she’ll most likely be fine but personally i think if your children ask to be picked up, you pick them up - whether they are 9 or 19. Or 29, for that matter.

For once, I'm hoping this is a troll or AI as what this thread seems to have established is that

• your 9yo is on her first sleepover ever at a friends house
• you told her before she left that, if she was unhappy, you'd go and collect her
• the host called to say she was unhappy
• you discussed it with your DH who thought you should go and get her but didn't go to her himself, instead opening a beer and settling down to watch a film
• you decided not to discuss it with your own mum as you knew what her advice would be and didn't want that advice
• instead, you posted on a forum, one you haven't used before
• most posts were telling you to go & collect. You ignored these
• there was a pretty early suggestion that you call your DD. When you did that - about half an hour later - you minimised her feelings and laughed about how she had been feeling earlier
• you haven't gone to collect her.

I'm all for resilience but kindness and security will help build resilience as much if not more than pushing a child through an experience they're uncomfortable with, teaching them to ignore their feelings and that they cannot rely on their parents. I hope your DD does manage to get to sleep and sleeps well. Being awake and upset in the night in a strange house can be really disconcerting and distressing. I hope you sent her with a watch so she can at least tell what time it is and see time passing.

It's fine to not feel like going out, as long as you do if necessary. I can't say I really feel like A and E drives at 2am, but I do them when needed.

Wonder how many of the perfect parents on this thread do things like cry it out with their babies (the ultimate early lesson in there's no point because no-one is there for you), leave their kids crying at daycare because they 'have' to go to work instead of being with there for them? Kids learn early who is there for them, which is why many teens come to me instead of their own parents when they need support.

100% this. ^ Some right nasty posts on this thread from a few posters, basically saying 'leave the little whiny child where she is! She needs to toughen up! Resilience! MUST BE TOUGH! Blah blah blah.....'🙄

I mean, yeah, imagine your children thinking their parents actually care about them, and will be there for them whenever they need them or want them, rain or shine, age 9 or 39, any day any time!

GOD FORBID!!!!!!! 😱

Sometimes their vision of safe turns out not that safe, or sometimes they don't feel safe, when they really are. But, I will be the parent who rescues and doesn't give a shit about it, doesn't give them shit about it, because that is how best to keep them safe I feel

My parents did this from early on. That meant I called them when I was in the same situation as your friend's daughter. I knew they'd be there as soon as possible. It was such a good feeling to have.

Good grief - 11 pm is hardly the middle of the night! I realise that youve now spoken to your daughter, but why on earth would you even consider leaving a nine year old upset at someone else's house overnight? It's also really unfair on the other mother.

Your phone call sounds v sensible OP and that's great that she wants to try again and is much happier. The drama on this thread is just unbelievable. You're doing just fine and whatever your daughter chooses to do will be a good outcome to build on next time. Hoping she'll feel proud she saw it through! 🙂

Yes, it's really important they are confident to call because you never know what is going on to make them feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's just home sickness but maybe there's something else happening.

I agree op, try and develop resilience. DH can go and pick her up if she gets proper upset.

These scenarios are not really comparisons, though, are they? I haven't done CIO but as I understand it most people who do it do so because they're desperately in need of sleep, which is a pretty basic human need. Similarly, needing to go out to work to provide a roof over your kids' head is pretty necessary. It's not the same as not really fancying changing out of your PJs.

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time.

I've had my neice sleep over several times over the years plus taken her away. Having the time of her life until it's bed time and some of the nights she's got upset, missing her mum and just homesick. Sit and chat with her for a while and then she goes to sleep. Guess what she's absolutely fine in the morning and doesn't want to go home.

I assume this is a person the OP trusts or her daughter wouldn't be there in the first place.

That being said my daughters 8 and she sleeps out at family only. Not sure when I'll be ready to do friends sleep over. It's a tricky one but I would have gave her an hour too before collecting her.

I think that was the perfect response! If we swoop in at first hurdle they will never do anything, but also if they really aren’t ready they need to know we are there. Hopefully she’ll be fine now!

Again, it's fine to not want to change out of your pjs - as long as you do it, feeling like it or not.

I think the scenarios are comparable because they are all situations where the child just knows the parent isn't there for them. They don't see the bigger picture. They just know the parent isn't there. It is all cumulative over time.

I've raised six teens and young adults who always came to me and know I'm there for them, as do their friends whose parents aren't as trusted as me. I am most definitely not a perfect parent but I am always there if they need me, and they know it.

No wonder we have all these snowflake kids.