To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

Most likely not but OPs child doesn't have a melt down according to the host.

I think a lot of parents are too fuzzy over their children.

I'd have gone in a heartbeat. She might just be homesick. Or there might just be something making her justifiably uncomfortable about the set up in friend's house.

Exactly this! Kids have wobbles. Work with them to overcome it, and they'll be so proud and confident.

Unless her mood was meltdown-like, my child didn't feel safe (that's for a different thread), or the parent had had enough , I don't think I'd collect my child. Push on through and grow!

I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough
Would it really be awful for your 9year old to know that when mum promises to be there if you need her, she actually will be there?

It does sound like a bit like you just cba, same with dh, can’t believe he had a beer so he couldn’t drive knowing his daughters unhappy and might need collecting, and left you no choice but to be the one to go, if one of you does.

Totally this! I work in a school and you would not believe what we hear. Parents practically hammering the door down to collect their child if they get so much as a splinter. A single headache warrants two days off. Toughen up the kids please! Absolutely pathetic !!

Jesus Christ..you had to post on here?

I would go to sleepovers and then feel extremely anxious when it came to bed time.
Also on school trips and stuff. My parents were called on one school trip and they didn't come for me. I still remember it :(

I think phoning the daughter and having a chat with her first is a perfectly proportionate first step. If that doesn't work, then I'd go get her but wouldn't do anymore sleep overs for a while.

What would you do if the friend lived next door - I'd hazard a guess you'd pop your shoes on and go and collect her. You're teaching her that you're not good for your word, you said if she didn't like it you'd collect her, now you want her to push on through. I just don't understand why you'd offer and then rescind, to your nine year old kid :(

Homesick! She’s not on a six month sleepover fgs! It’s one night.

Hope you’re on your way to get her OP.

I don’t think the mum would have rung you unless she thought it was necessary, or that your DD would have asked if she didn’t really want to come back.

Of course when Flop went to collect Bing from Sula’s, Bing had changed his mind but that was all to do with a branch scratching the window and not having Hoppity, which are unlikely to be factors here, and he probably felt better about staying just knowing that Flop would come.

In all seriousness this is VERY important…I know we want to teach kids not to give up too easily, but also be very careful not to teach your daughter to ever ignore her instincts. Always follow your instincts when it comes to feeling unsafe or uncomfortable because they are not illogical….intuition is the result of many observations your unconscious mind has made and it could often save you.

I gave DD a call, and she sounded a bit teary at first but not completely distraught. She said she missed being at home but also didn’t want to leave because she’d been looking forward to the sleepover so much. I reassured her that it’s perfectly normal to feel like that on your first one and reminded her she’s safe and that her friend’s mum is there if she needs anything.

We chatted for a bit, and by the end of the call, she seemed a lot calmer and even had a little giggle about how silly she’d felt earlier. I told her I’d come and get her if she really wanted me to, but she said she’d try to stick it out.

The other mum has been really lovely about it and said she’d keep an eye on her and let me know if she gets upset again. Fingers crossed she manages the night! I’ve told her how proud I am of her for giving it a go, but I’ll have my phone on loud just in case.

Hello eddit I see you posted as I was typing

Hope your little one is OK, Having helped out at unit sleepovers and camps kids age 4-18 wobbles happen. sometime parents have a drink and cant run and fetch. our agreement with parents is tlc, then phone to parents for a chat with girls an out of earshot chat of what we think what parents think. decision made of coming now or if not settle by x time call to be made and parent come. if we are local. usually it missing mumm/daddy and a phone call settle since doing xyz tomorrow or with littlies up breakfast x fun and picked up at 10am chat 1 kid missed her dog :) she had a chat with mummy a woof from william and trotted off to bed happily william slept on her bed...

What is the other parents saying?

Edited because it came out badly.
Apologies.
(And it did sound mean because I was doubting the thread was true.) I’m sorry.

Go get her.

You go get her because next time she feels uncomfortable in a situation she won't trust her gut and that will leave her in potentially dangerous situations. You go and get her because when she's in trouble she'll think she can't call you and will leave herself in dangerous situations. You go get her because to not do leads her to think that once you make a decision you can't change your mind.

That sounds very reasonable OP. If she stays, she develops resilience and you were there for her. If she doesn't, she at least gave it a go and knew she could count on you to support her and then be there to catch her when her try didn't work.

Why are you bring mean?

Yes, I agree with this exactly. I’m a strict parent, but there is teaching resilience but this isn’t the circumstances to teach it.

A child calling to tell you that they are uncomfortable on sleepovers, is a way to teach your child you will always be there to get them if they feel uncomfortable or worried. This sets them up to to call you if they ever feel unsafe, and sexual abuse experts recommend to do this if you are going to let your children go on sleepovers (and everything I’ve read they recommend not letting your children go on them at all). I’ve multiple friends who were abused by relatives of the child they were at a sleepover at. It isn’t hysterical to urge op to pick her child up, it’s sensible. She is setting up now for the future, a trusting relationship with her daughter that her mother will come if she needs her.

Only you know your child.

Some children need a nudge to help them build up immunity to bits of anxiety, and some don't, some just need to feel seen/heard.

X

I don't really see how that makes any difference.

I am very far from being a "soft" parent but recognising that children are children is not being soft, or pathetic, or "fuzzy".

Part of raising independent, resilient kids is teaching them when and how to ask for help. Knowing that they are able to do this when they need it, and that they know who to ask, instils confidence. That confidence is the thing that will eventually propel them into self-sufficiency. It's fairly obvious logic in my opinion.

☝

OP tells us her daughter is well. No need to rush out of the door. Common sense is sometimes the answer also in parenting.

I would have been in the car en route to pick her up before the phone call had ended! You can't promise your child you'll pick her up if she doesn't like it, then totally backtrack and leave her somewhere she's upset, you're just teaching her she can't trust you!

When my DDs were 7 and 8, they were friends with 2 sisters the same ages as them. We arranged for the girls to have a sleepover at ours one weekend, which went well and another sleepover at their house the following month. Like you @eskopt2, I had promised my DDs that if they needed me, they could ask to call me, and if they really wanted to come home, I would pick them up straightaway. Around 10pm I had a call from the friend's' Mum, saying DD2 was upset and wanted to come home. No problem, I hopped in the car and drove over. I saw DD1 while I was there, checked she was happy and having a lovely time, gave her a cuddle then took DD2 home. Just as I was tucking DD2 into bed, my phone rang again; it was the friends' Mum again and DD1 was now upset and wanted to come home! No worries, again I got in the car and drove over to pick her up, from the house where an hour ago she told me she was having a "lovely time"! It's annoying, but it's just what you do when you have young children.

We tell them to let us know when they're unhappy or uncomfortable, promise we will do something about it if necessary, then follow through when asked.

How is that mean? The OP said she didn't want to go. It's even her thread title. Now she isn't going. So, she got what she wanted.

Yeah the common sense that in the future op’s daughter won’t call when she’s in a situation she does need picking up from.

how do these kids cope on Brownie camps? You can't just go home then what awful things do these kids think will happen to them in a different bed? I'd collect her but I wouldn't be letting her repeat this for a few years and at the next sleepover I'd be making it clear the sleepover involves sleeping
Well, sometimes the parents are asked to come and collect them. Sometimes the kids have to be collected in the morning because they're too tired and overwrought to carry on. Guides too.
Leaders are VERY unimpressed by parents who don't want to come or have been drinking etc as they're making life very difficult for their own children, the Leaders who also can't go to sleep and then have the responsibility of looking after lots of kids the next day.
You don't actually build resilience in children by making them tough it out in these circumstances.
One little girl in DD's Brownie unit had to be collected mid way through every residential, got better during Guides and managed more nights than she bailed on and finished her time by going on a residential trip abroad and had a great time.
Punishing children for being afraid and wanting reassurance from their parents? Is that going to fill them with the confidence to try again?