To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

You're absolutely correct. I was more mature as a child than my friends who's parents mollycoddled them (in my view at the time), but actually as adults they are more capable than me in some ways. I wasn't mature, I was resigned that I was on my own, and no one would help me.

And people can fool themselves they're doing this to build resilience, but OP clearly said they don't want to go because they're in the pj's and wanted a quiet night.

Thank you for taking the time to write this. Hope there are people who will find it useful.

My main issue here would be causing another mother to have to comfort my anxious and upset daughter and spoiling the sleepover for others. It was almost 11pm. How much of your night could it conceivably have interrupted to go and pick her up when first asked?

I drafted a response last night which I failed to post and it said this:

Absolutely important that she knows you will collect her if there’s something really wrong, but the other mum could be erring on the side of caution. I would ring and speak to her and see what you think. I once had an anxious child staying at a sleepover who was a bit tearful at midnight, I had a chat to him about how I often also got anxious sleeping in new places (true) and if he was still feeling bad in another hour, we’d call his mum. He went off to bed looking reassured, fell asleep straight away and was fine in the morning and clearly delighted he’d stayed.

Sounds like this is what you did? Totally the right call IMO!

And all of this depends upon parents knowing their child because all children are different. Some children, for whatever reason, are more anxious than others. I think that I was such a child. This isn't one size fits all.

Just re-reading through some of the thread now and wanted to add:

I was a worried child and am still a slightly worried grown-up. There is a part of me that wants to avoid all new experiences and come home from every holiday on day 1. This is not a good instinct to feed! Parenting is a fine balance between knowing you’ll always be there for your kids and not giving them the impression that the world is dangerous (my parents were excellent at the former, less good at the latter - their safety net for me was far too big IMO and it made me feel the world was full of risks).

whereas I married someone far more relaxed and risk taking and it is this which has helped me get out of my comfort zone a bit.

I also agree with what others have said about young adults these days. I manage a lot of them and with an honourable few exceptions, they are totally lacking in any resilience.

I find it horrible how many parents feel comfortable telling OP she’s a shit parent who obviously doesn’t care for her child 🙄 along with all the virtue signalling and melodrama!

OP’s Dd wasn’t hysterical and inconsolable. She had a moment of uncertainty because she was out of her comfort zone. If she sounded genuinely distraught I’m sure op would’ve picked her up straight away. Instead she spoke with her, reassured her, and her dd made the decision on her own (!) to stay. If she had been hysterical and op point blank refused to pick her up, that’d be different!

I would’ve done the same OP and I can assure you I love my children as much as pp berating OP.

People are so over the top. OP didn't leave her DD alone on the street littered with murders. That's how some are acting.
This event, well non event, is not going to affect her DD. I had people telling me to let my DDs boyfriend live with us and if I didn't she'd never trust me again. I didn't listen and we still have an incredibly close relationship where she tells me everything.
More likely DD will be so proud of herself and will want to repeat the experience because she knows she can do it.

It's not fair on the friend's mum to leave her there if she's upset. The mum obviously wants you to collect her. And your daughter's more likely to want to try again if she has the security of knowing you'll come for her if needed

What is this? A contest to see who'd be there quickest ? Silly.

This is so strange, surely you just go straight to get her annoying as it may be. Instead you start a thread on here asking what you should do, so random!

You teach?

Not really. You don't get a 15 year old doing that unless they are confident their parent will be there and will not lose the plot with them. That starts years before. Teaching them trust their concerns, to trust their parents etc.

It is only by listening to the child and responding appropriately that we build that trust.

Yes, this, thank you for writing this Hohohosiery.

My DD2 wanted picking up on the first couple of sleepovers, after that I always told the host I will come at 9pm if that’s ok, she then got to enjoy the evening but without the stress.
What I came to realise was that my DD didn’t have the same body clock as her friends, she would go to sleep later and get up later. They were often fast asleep and she would just be sat there wide awake.
One time she packed her bag and walked herself home at 9pm. We live in a small village luckily as no one knew what she had done, She just walked in to my room about 9.30pm

I agree
She is a bit young for her first sleepover and you need to go and get her
I have told my DC that I will always get them if they need me to whenever and wherever they are (logisitics allowing) and that still applies however old they are

It doesn't sound like her DD was overly concerned though. She got a bit upset, talked to her mum and said she wanted to stay.
No surprise older children and teenagers can't cope with the slightest thing because mummy always comes to the rescue.
You hear it all the time on here people who have children in their 20s who still can't take responsibility for anything. It's not surprising seeing most of these replies. Especially the ones saying 9 is too young for a sleepover. When then? At 18?

Many children have sleepovers at 8 or 9 it's pretty normal.

This ..and even now they are nearer 30 and live in their own homes.

I see from your follow-up that you talked to her and she settled.
I think I'd have done the same. I think 9 is old enough to push through and self-soothe, knowing it's only for one night.

Yep, we have a "safe phrase" that means no matter what else they say I need to come and get them now and say that I was inisiting they leave.
DD used it once as she was at a party aged 15 and there were things going on she was uncomfortable with and wanted to leave but didn't want to look like she was asking her Mummy to come

It’s so depressing to hear comments like
‘pushing through’
’building resilience’
’she wasn’t hysterical’

The child is just 9 years old, it’s her first sleepover, she must have been quite wobbly in the first place for op to promise to offer to collect her. What does op do she minimises and ridicules her child and leaves her there. Breaking her child’s trust.

Op sounds selfish, and so does the child’s father.

Leaving her there, feeling abandoned by her parents, will be breaking every golden rule in the parenting handbook when it comes to building real confidence, trust and resilience. I can very much imagine op’s dd won’t want to risk another sleepover, this might spill over into anxiety over school trips, camps and future residentials. Affecting her friendships and confidence, future choices. It might also impact how often she confides in her mother going forward and creates mistrust.

Children must be made to feel safe, especially with first experiences.

The very fact the mother called op in the first place said it all, she will have tried to soothe and distract already, calling the parent is the last resort for most hosts. The whole thing is really poor form. I would have been deeply unimpressed!

I think most people were triggered by the fact OP gave the impression her and her husband didnt want to go collect their 9 year old daughter because...

OP was already in her pjs
It was 11pm
Her husband, although knew the situation, carried on drinking and settled down to watch a film

It just screams indifferent parenting.

My children have never been offered school camps? So not a way here to cope with sleeping away from home.